Saturday, November 01, 2014

That Time I Forgot How Numbers Worked

Every time I think, okay, life has settled down, maybe I can be a regular blogger again, something happens.  The pendulum swings back and I end up being so busy just living that I don't have the time to be as introspective as I would like.  I've written a host of blog posts in my head that never made it onto the page over the last 10 months.  I got a new job, one I love more than I can say.  I studied for and took the bar exam and spent the last three months dreading Halloween, knowing that it was going to be the day that I found out that I had failed yet again at something everyone else assumed I would succeed at.

I was sitting in my office, surrounded by my attorney colleagues and my fellow admin, my manager on the phone (she left early to do trick-or-treating with her kids) and my husband on speaker phone.

(It wasn't my idea to be surrounded by people - my manager bribed me with "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you don't pass, as long as you check the results at work."  I figured, well, at least I would have a hundred dollars.)

The results would be up at 4:30.  As the clocked ticked down from 4:25, I felt time shift.  Everything was happening in slow motion.  My hands were shaking, my heart was in my throat.  People were talking to me, and I know I responded, but I have no idea what we were talking about.

I loaded up the web page, and the internet was slow - SO SLOW.  This slow:

I was trying to figure out where the button was for the bar results - my eyes couldn't focus on the screen.  One of my colleagues pointed out the link probably three times before my brain registered her words.  A screen filled with thousands of numbers followed by the words "pass" or "fail" came up.  That was it - just "pass" or "fail."

I started to scroll - but I still couldn't focus.  I couldn't remember what numbers were or how to count.  I kept staring at the screen, trying to remember what to do next.  "HOW ARE NUMBERS ORDERED?" I asked myself... repeatedly.

I decided to ctrl+f (search and find) but out of habit, I hit ctrl+shift+c... which locks your computer!  After a moment of panic and hyperventilating, I was back at the page.  I entered my number in the search box, found it highlighted on the page.  The room was completely silent.  

Stunned, despite my preparations and expectations of this day, despite the fact that I told myself I was going to be fine NO MATTER WHAT the screen said, I could barely choke out the words, "I passed...."

The whole room erupted in a pandemonium of hugs and congratulations and I told you so's.  Meanwhile, I kept looking back and forth from the page with my seat number to the webpage, trying to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming.

It has been such a long, long road.  There is no way I could have ever walked it alone.  I'm so incredibly grateful for the support I have received from my family, friends, and colleagues. More than anything else, I am grateful to the God who gave me the strength to do something I genuinely didn't think I could do.


  1. Congratulations on passing the bar. That is a tremendous accomplishment. And how wonderful that you had people around you to celebrate your success with you. I look forward to following with you during NaBloPoMo.

    1. Thank you so much! I'm doing NaBlo with my sister, we will see how it goes. :)

  2. The suspense! I dislike numbers at the best of times.

    1. My dislike of numbers was what sent me to law school in the first place - there was too much math on the GRE!