Sunday, November 30, 2014

How to Make Your Cats Unhappy Without Getting in Range of Their Claws

Step one: Have cats. A clowder is best.

Step Two: Clean your house.  This alone should accomplish your purpose, but to really make them miserable, go on to the next steps.

Step three: Rearrange the furniture.  Really, just shifting a table six or so inches will do.

Step four: Find the cats' hidden secret poo corner in some obscure and hard to reach place. Clean it.

**pro tip: this may signal to your cat(s) that you actually want him/her/them to poo there. At least you know where the smell is coming from now.**

Step five: Allow the water bowls to be any more than a millimeter from overflowing.

Step six: Do not refresh the cat bowls when you come downstairs, even if it is three in the afternoon and you only went up to change your socks that were covered in slimy cat puke the cats left for you to find in a poorly lit but commonly used walkway, like the laundry room doorway.

Step seven: Put knick-knacks on the piano in such a way that the cats cannot use it as a napping area. 

Warning: the cats may see this as a game wherein their job is to clear enough space to nap. I recommend using heavy, oddly-shaped books.

Step eight: Put your folded laundry away instead of leaving it to line the plastic cat-nap boxes you foolishly refer to as laundry baskets.

Bonus seasonal step: Add Christmas decorations to your house.

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