Sunday, November 30, 2014

How to Make Your Cats Unhappy Without Getting in Range of Their Claws

Step one: Have cats. A clowder is best.

Step Two: Clean your house.  This alone should accomplish your purpose, but to really make them miserable, go on to the next steps.

Step three: Rearrange the furniture.  Really, just shifting a table six or so inches will do.

Step four: Find the cats' hidden secret poo corner in some obscure and hard to reach place. Clean it.

**pro tip: this may signal to your cat(s) that you actually want him/her/them to poo there. At least you know where the smell is coming from now.**

Step five: Allow the water bowls to be any more than a millimeter from overflowing.

Step six: Do not refresh the cat bowls when you come downstairs, even if it is three in the afternoon and you only went up to change your socks that were covered in slimy cat puke the cats left for you to find in a poorly lit but commonly used walkway, like the laundry room doorway.

Step seven: Put knick-knacks on the piano in such a way that the cats cannot use it as a napping area. 

Warning: the cats may see this as a game wherein their job is to clear enough space to nap. I recommend using heavy, oddly-shaped books.

Step eight: Put your folded laundry away instead of leaving it to line the plastic cat-nap boxes you foolishly refer to as laundry baskets.

Bonus seasonal step: Add Christmas decorations to your house.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Down the Cleaning Rabbit Hole

Have you ever done this?  Started cleaning one small mess that made you realize how dirty everything else around it was, and then you get into this cycle of trying to make everything equally clean?

This is similar to the phenomenon of the endless bowl of cereal - you eat the cereal, have too much milk, so add a little more cereal, but then you need just a little more milk to try and achieve the perfect milk-to-cereal ratio... you see where this is going.  This is why I don't buy Fruity Pebbles anymore.

It's a quick path from there to throwing up your hands and deciding never to clean anything again.

Today I picked up my cordless mouse and went to switch it on - and realized that the tiny switch cavity area was partially obscured by some sort of filth collected from the mouse pad.

Listen, I don't know where mousepad grime comes from.  More importantly, I don't think I want to know.

I used a little straight pin - okay, I'm lying, I really used an earring that I lost the back to and have been too lazy to put away.  Anyway.  I gently scraped away the surprising amount of grime and thought, "let me just run this earring along the other little crevices on the mouse."  Mistake.  Apparently, there is either a wad of cat fur that worked it's way inside the mouse or the plastic exterior of the mouse is the exoskeletal armor of an actual mouse.

I feel like there is a moral to the story here.  Something about how if you go looking for dirt, you are going to find it.  Or maybe that just because something looks clean on the outside doesn't mean it isn't full of dead skin cells and feline fur on the inside.  But really, it just reminded me that cats are gross.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Stuck Doing Important Things

I didn't want to wait until the last minute today. But I somewhat inadvertantly ended up in a conversation that was a long time in coming, was really important, and lasted quite a while.

It can be a little disconcerting to find yourself in a conversation that turns a trite-sounding old saw  into honest-to-goodness good advice. Confession really IS good for the soul.

The key, I guess, is to talk to someone that you genuinely trust..

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is I ran out of time to blog. But it was worth it.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

My Funny Hunny

My husband and I have many a hilarious conversation.  I generally make it a policy not to record the ones where I'm the one who says something goofy.  Here are a few of his gems over the last few years of our marriage.

Hubby (describing making fun of one of his professors from LonGuyLand): I knew he would get the New York personality.
Me: New York personality? In other places, we call that being a jerk.

Hubby: Isn't he the Secretary of Justice? 
Me: *long stare* That's not a thing... You mean the Attorney General?
Hubby: Well, to be fair, it's a weird one.

Hubby: The twins [my sister's two daughters] are God's way of tricking people into thinking that kids aren't so bad.

Hubby - Knock knock!
Me - Who's there?
Hubby - Cthul.
Me - Did you just sit there for the last five minutes thinking up that joke? 

Me: Huh, China is planning to be the second country to put a man on the moon. They are scheduled to launch this year.
Hubby - North Korea would have bragged about already doing it.

While watching a previous season of Doctor Who late at night:

Me: I'm going to skip that episode (Doctor Who: Angels Take Manhattan).
Hubby: You can't. You can watch it tomorrow, but you can't skip it.
Me: Why not?
Hubby: It's a fixed point in time.
Me: I am not watching weeping angels at midnight.

I skipped it.

Me: "What time do we need to leave?"
Mostly sleeping Hubby: "Potato."

Hubby, dancing around the living room, hands in the air, yelling, "He's giving them the safety? Really?!? THAT'S GENIUS! GENIUS!!!"

Hubby - "I'm always right."
Me - Except when you're wrong.
Hubby - "When I'm wrong, it's reality that needs to change."

Hubby - That moment when you pull up to a red light in the 'hood, windows down and bagpipes blaring.

Me - Huh, they are cancelling Encyclopedia Britannica.
Hubby - The whole thing?!?

Me - Well, it’s not like they are just going to stop printing "C!"

Saturday, November 01, 2014

That Time I Forgot How Numbers Worked

Every time I think, okay, life has settled down, maybe I can be a regular blogger again, something happens.  The pendulum swings back and I end up being so busy just living that I don't have the time to be as introspective as I would like.  I've written a host of blog posts in my head that never made it onto the page over the last 10 months.  I got a new job, one I love more than I can say.  I studied for and took the bar exam and spent the last three months dreading Halloween, knowing that it was going to be the day that I found out that I had failed yet again at something everyone else assumed I would succeed at.

I was sitting in my office, surrounded by my attorney colleagues and my fellow admin, my manager on the phone (she left early to do trick-or-treating with her kids) and my husband on speaker phone.

(It wasn't my idea to be surrounded by people - my manager bribed me with "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you don't pass, as long as you check the results at work."  I figured, well, at least I would have a hundred dollars.)

The results would be up at 4:30.  As the clocked ticked down from 4:25, I felt time shift.  Everything was happening in slow motion.  My hands were shaking, my heart was in my throat.  People were talking to me, and I know I responded, but I have no idea what we were talking about.

I loaded up the web page, and the internet was slow - SO SLOW.  This slow:

I was trying to figure out where the button was for the bar results - my eyes couldn't focus on the screen.  One of my colleagues pointed out the link probably three times before my brain registered her words.  A screen filled with thousands of numbers followed by the words "pass" or "fail" came up.  That was it - just "pass" or "fail."

I started to scroll - but I still couldn't focus.  I couldn't remember what numbers were or how to count.  I kept staring at the screen, trying to remember what to do next.  "HOW ARE NUMBERS ORDERED?" I asked myself... repeatedly.

I decided to ctrl+f (search and find) but out of habit, I hit ctrl+shift+c... which locks your computer!  After a moment of panic and hyperventilating, I was back at the page.  I entered my number in the search box, found it highlighted on the page.  The room was completely silent.  

Stunned, despite my preparations and expectations of this day, despite the fact that I told myself I was going to be fine NO MATTER WHAT the screen said, I could barely choke out the words, "I passed...."

The whole room erupted in a pandemonium of hugs and congratulations and I told you so's.  Meanwhile, I kept looking back and forth from the page with my seat number to the webpage, trying to convince myself that I wasn't dreaming.

It has been such a long, long road.  There is no way I could have ever walked it alone.  I'm so incredibly grateful for the support I have received from my family, friends, and colleagues. More than anything else, I am grateful to the God who gave me the strength to do something I genuinely didn't think I could do.