Wednesday, January 08, 2014

I Survived the Polar Vortex

Like many people in the United States, my friends, my family, and myself have all been coming up with innovative ways to stay warm.

Some people hang curtains in strategic places:


Some people bundle up:
Face changed to protect the innocent.
And some people stay warm by posting complaints on Facebook about how cold they are.  Especially the ones who live in Florida.

The following is a conversation I had with one such relative who shall remain faceless:

ME:  This is dedicated to my poor cousin "ETHYL."* She is trapped and suffering in Florida's frigid 50 degree weather. She had to wear REAL SHOES today, shoes that neither flipped nor flopped. I don't know how she did it. She is so brave. Please, join me in celebrating her courage and willingness to KEEP FIGHTING despite these dreadful circumstances. #polarvortex

Face changed to protect the guilty.
ETHYL:Also, this is hilarious and you are the BEST and have given me the strength to carry on.

ME: No, Ethyl, YOU are the best. Your bravery inspires me. Sniff.  I had to walk over a large snow drift to get to my mailbox today. Seems that the snow plow people thought that putting all the snow from the entire subdivision in front of my mailbox was the best idea ever. I don't know how I would have gained the courage to collect my circulars and water bill from the mailbox if it wasn't for your example.

ETHYL: Well, I had to wait like 2 WHOLE MINUTES for my car to warm up this morning. It was really hard.

ME: That's the kind of thing that keeps me warm as I use a bucket to scoop giant piles of snow off of my car.

ETHYL: I am here to inspire others.

MATILDA: Real shoes?! Whatever shall she do?!

ME: She soldiers on, Mat. She soldiers on.

ETHYL: Thank you it is SO HARD.

Editor's note:  Fonzie is the spouse of the very bundled friend pictured previously.

ME: I know, Fonzie. Doesn't her suffering put your burned out furnace and frozen sump pump lines in perspective?

*Names changed to protect the posters' privacy.  And/or make me laugh.

Wherever you are my friends, stay warm.

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