Monday, November 07, 2011

The Things He Does That Drive Me Crazy, Pt. 3 and maybe 4

If I have learned anything in this series, its that my husband is not unusual.  I feel like the voice for the Global Female Conspiracy, except for the conspiracy part.  Ιts the men who are conspiring against us!  And nothing demonstrates this better than the towering bastion of masculinity that is ESPN.  Its like a club that women can appreciate, but never join.  And please do not even get me started about the Red Zone Channel.  Its like Football with ADD.

3 and maybe 4. Irrationality and my husband's love affair with ESPN

The Hubs likes to give me a hard time about being irrational.  "Oh, you can't kill spiders? Irrational.  Oh, you can't handle being woken in the middle of a sound sleep by some alarming/traumatic thing?  Irrational.  You like the Redskins?  Irrational.  You like College Football?  Irrational.  You like the SEC (mostly)?  Irrational."

I MARRIED YOU.  _______________.

Notice that much of his targeting against me has to do with my atheletic preferences.  But when it comes to sports that HE likes, rationality has nothing to do with it.

I am from the beautiful Commonwealth of Kentucky.  It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I love UK Basketball.  That I bleed blue.  That I consider baseball the perfect second sport because its starts just as basketball season ends, and ends just before basketball season starts.  I also have an entire family who is just as passionate as I am, if not more so, about the University of Kentucky.  So when I say my husband is in love with ESPN, you might understand the level of dedication that takes to impress me.

College Sports: He hates the BCS, thinks conferences are stupid, and hates puppies the only redeeming quality is that he has agreed to raise our (currently non-existant) children as UK fans.  So at least there is that.  But he really likes to hate on the SEC, just to mess with me. Not because he really cares, nope, just to mess with me.

So mean.

Soccer:  We were married in May 2010, just before the Soccer World Cup.  By the time it was over, I was starting to question my sanity.  He watched every televised match he possibly could - do you know how many matches there are in the World Cup?  64.  Here, let me type that number out to emphasize:  SIXTY.  FOUR.  If I ever hear a vuvuzela again, I... I can't even tell you what I will do.  But I'm pretty sure I won't be legally responsible for it.  The background noise of a soccer match is like the sound of bees buzzing in my head.

Hockey:  I actually like Hockey.  As far as rules go, its fairly easy to understand, the matches are quick, and I wasn't already attached to a team so there isn't any conflict there.  And I don't really mind having my arm yanked out of its socket at a game.  But he also destroyed the hopes and dreams of a little girl.  The story is this: 

We went to a Capitals vs. Devils game (The Hubs is a Devils fan) at home in Washington DC.  We were two of a small contingent in Devils jerseys, but because the colors for the two teams are very similar, we didn't really stick out.  Along about the time the Devils scored their third goal, and The Hubs (at that time, just known as The Boy) was standing on his feet, the only person in our section screaming and cheering, I hear a little girl behind us, her voice tragically sad.  "Daddy?" she asked, "Doesn't everybody love the Capitals?"

No, little girl.  Not everyone loves the Capitals.  Also, Santa Claus isn't real.

Baseball: I can't really complain here.  I love the Yankees, he loves the Yankees.  But he more or less refuses to watch/discuss baseball until September, whereas I don't care about NFL training camp or ... well, pretty much anything having to do with the NFL except when my teams are actually playing.

Football: This is the painful one, friends.  See, I was raised as a Washington Redskins fan - justifiably so, because my father grew up in this area, and my Grandma was a diehard fan, and it had nothing to do with how good they were or were not, because they were OUR team.

My husband, who grew up in New Jersey, is a DALLAS fan.  Oh man, guys.  This is a big deal.  Its not as bad as if he were a Louisville or a Red Sox fan, but its pretty bad.  He accidentally painted our living room in Washington colors, and  regularly threatens to repaint it blue and silver.

I didn't pick out the shades of paint.  I wanted red, not burgundy.  NOT MY FAULT.  (I'm defending myself now, because I know he is going to libel me shortly.)  That being said, our living room is quite lovely, and it doesn't really evoke visions of football mediocrity when you walk in.

That's right, I can admit my team is pretty awful.  You don't have to point it out to me.  All the time.

I can't even talk about this anymore.  They are just so bad.  But his pouting when Dallas loses is just annoying.  I try to be sympathetic, but when you are constantly mocking my team... its hard.

Sports Radio/TV: When we are in the car, we are either listening to Tony Kornheiser, listening to sports radio (there are a multitude of stations here), or listening to Rock Music that I don't like even a little bit.  I had one button - ONE - programmed to "my" radio station.  He changed it to a new Rock Station.  From 1 PM until 7 PM on Sundays, we are only allowed to watch Red Zone Channel.  Every night when I get home from work, he turns on Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn.  Which he records.  Daily.  There is also a show called, I believe, NFL Tonight, and some other show with Charles Barkley (or maybe its the same show?), and GUYS.  Sometimes, I just want to watch Lifetime.

(True Story:  He had been harrassing me with awful TV all day one Saturday, so when I finally got the remote, I changed it to the Royal Wedding - William and Kate movie.  And then he started complaining about it, so I changed it to the Dragonball Z movie.  That's masculine, right?  As it turns out, he let me finish The Royal Wedding movie.  A girl does what she has to do, you know?)


  1. And for perspective: My response.

  2. Enjoyed reading your post. You are not alone. :) Although I am more of the sport fanatic than my hubby, there is plenty that he pokes at me, but when I return the favor, he mopes. Really?? Have a great rest of your week!