Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Why Now?

Why Now?

I changed my mind.  I'm going to (sort of) take a small break from my discussion about worry to explain why I am doing this.

I just sort of jumped into this "blogging again" thing without explaining where I was coming from, or what I hoped to accomplish.  I spent a lot of time re-reading old posts, trying to edit them somewhat (for privacy and sanity reasons), and as I did so, a sort of pattern emerged. 

My tendency was to write when I was very stressed/anxious/worried (a LOT) or when I was giddy and excited (not as often).  The "excited" moments are sometimes so overboard, I wonder if I was trying to compensate for the less positive times in my life.  Looking back, I feel a sense of trying to cram as much joy into one moment as I could, before "reality" set back in.  (Hence the name of my blog.)

Deep down, I think was really writing for myself.  Sure, I had friends who read my blog back then, quite a few, sometimes.  And there were certainly times when I appreciated the comments, and the feeling like my blog was a "conversation."  But really, I think I wrote for myself.  Its a record of my journey to becoming an adult.  And its a reminder of God's grace and mercy, and the way He has guided my footsteps even when I was being unfaithful.

I am going to be honest: Part of me just wants to delete everything I have ever posted, because looking back on my journey is hard.  Sometimes, I really don't want to remember where I've come from, the times my heart was in rebellion against God.  I certainly don't want anyone to know how silly, or dark, or frustrated I was.  I still want to seem "normal."

BUT.

I still struggle.  It is by God's grace and mercy that I am a new creation - but sinful habits are so hard to walk away from.

So, here we go.  A new path.  A new way of thinking.  A new way of blogging.  Its time to put childish things behind me.

I'm not going to give up on talking about my journey.  Maybe, someday, (I hope) the things I've learned will help someone else.  If even one person is encouraged by my journey, and the change God has wrought in my life, every single moment of my past will have been worth it.

So.

The old posts (mostly) stay.  There is still some pruning to be done - but life is a journey.  A crazy, messy, silly journey.  So, in the immortal words of Mario, here we go!


--
Have you ever wondered if you are just imagining me?

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