Monday, February 28, 2005

And so the wheel keeps on turning...

The people who hate me are sitting right behind me, but after speaking one on one with other members of "the group" I can comfortably say that A. and R. are the only ones who do hate me... I selfishly and wrongly want to stand up on my moral high-ground and loudly protest my innocence, but I will settle for explaining my hurt to no-one but Jesus, and being content that the ill feelings extend no further than those two. *sighs* I know I'm wrong, pray for my attitude to change.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Grouchy Me

So much has happened, and I don't even really want to talk about it... at the same time, I've had the urge to update my blog... what IS a girl to do? Anyway... I'm at the library, and it is closing in like a half hour. I'm only on long enough to check my e-mail and update...

A. hates me, as does R. Apparantly they have been telling everyone how much they hate me for months... at least, this is according to C., who is as guileless as the come... I don't think he would have any reason to make this up. Of course, I didn't find this until after I had already told A. that I didn't think we should be friends anymore, or something to that effect. So, it turns out that standing up for yourself, even when you KNOW you are right, is neither a validating nor a positive experience. So, I feel stuck no matter what I do.

Um... I am going to try and see N. over Springbreak, I don't know if it will work out, but since I can't spend it with my family (and thereby am going to miss celebrating my birthday with the people who love me the most for only the second time in my life) at least I will get to spend the weekend before my birthday with one of the few people... outside of my family... that I actually trust.

Do you think my mom still reads my blog? *hmms*

My floor is finally done being painted, and I just want to give a big shout out to Jesus, 'cause I'm still sane, and it not through any particular strength of my own. Welp, I have things to do and people to see, love you!

Friday, February 25, 2005

The One

Is it possible to know if someone is “THE ONE?” Is there a feeling different from the flutteries sometimes mistaken for LOVE? How is it that there have been successful marriages based on nothing more than one guy had a goat and a son, and one guy had a cow and a daughter, and they made a deal? How long do you “have” to know someone, how much time do you “have” to spend together? The worst thing about LOVE is that you can LOVE the wrong person: I mean, the wrong person for you. I think you can LOVE anyone, but you also have to LIKE and RESPECT the person you marry. You can even be happily married without LOVE. LOVE can make you see things in people that are not really there, or are only there in miniscule amounts. You see what you want to see, I guess. There is also the fear of over-thinking things. What if these great qualities really are there, but you are so afraid that you are wrong, that you only think that you imagine them?

You can say, “Well, you just KNOW,” but that is stupid. I mean, 50% of the people in the country have KNOWN that someone was “THE ONE” and got divorced later. And that is not even counting the people who thought someone was the one and realized the mistake before it was too late. That happens all the time. So you can’t “just KNOW.”

You can pray about it, but you still have to be really careful, because just like you can see good or bad qualities that may or may not exist in someone, its really easy to THINK you heard the voice of the Almighty. Sometimes we see what we want to see, hear what we want to her.

I think the real answer might be to KNOW yourself so well, and to be so committed to the goals that God has given you, that you can somewhat impassively consider whether or not something falls in line with that. I mean, if a guy with a goat and a girl with a cow can make it, surely there is a way to make a relationship work, even if someone isn’t “THE ONE.” And you know what else? I don’t think “THE ONE” even exists, just that some people are easier to love than others. That’s all.

Thoughts of the Night

The nighttime is the worst time. Each thought finds its twisting, churning way from your head to your stomach, where it lodges –just sitting there- until the next little worrisome idea finds its home in the same spot. There they gather in a writhing, twisted knot, and you are left staring in the darkness at the ceiling, your eyes playing every image of the past, every possible frightening future, upon the darkness above. It is as though there were never any good times, that these indelible images have removed from existence any beautiful idea. You try to recall any beloved face, a memory of a happy time, but instead the list of your failures since then marches in an endless retinue of fear and doubt. Hours pass, the sheets grow hot, tangled around you like a shroud, and still you find sleep evasive. Every sound is an irritant; the tick of a clock, the dripping faucet, murmuring sounds from a radio down the hallway, and even as you rage inwardly at the futility of lying there, hopeless tears make trails upon your cheeks. And then, softly creeping, so unobtrusive that you don’t even remember it happening, merciful sleep comes.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I know, I know, its been awhile since I posted... I actually wrote some stuff to put on here, and eventually I will get around to posting it.

I wish I had some philosophical thoughts, or at least something to inspire you, but I don't.

My wonderful and beautiful friend Heather Higgins just lost her father... she and I were supposed to be roomates, and then we didn't get to be, but I still love her very much.

I also found out, for sure, that someone who used to be a good friend has "come out of the closet" as it were. First time its been a girl... and I have to say, if I keep hearing it, I might go mad. The first time, it broke my heart, the second time, I cried a lot... this time, I just feel very depressed. I don't think I will ever get over Ben, ever. Not like "in love" over, it wasn't ever like that, just feeling like a failure as a friend... that he has never, ever actually told me. I think he knows that I know...

I feel forgotten right now. I know that that is selfish and very self-centered, and I really don't want to be the center of anyone's universe... well, mostly... but I don't know why I feel particularly unloved right now. Guess I just feel very... forgettable. People are like "Oh, hey!" when they see me, or when I talk to them, but as the old saying goes "out of sight (or hearing) out of mind." I don't feel missed or... anything. Just alone.

I was walking around my room praying, and I know that feeling this way is wrong, because God is there no matter what, and He should be the only thing I care about... I'm trying. I am trying to be hurt anymore, but to be open only to other people's problems, and not being selfish and taking anything from anyone but Him. Its not good to rely on other people to be happy... I should be able to give all of myself to others, but need only God. I want to be like that, and I am praying that He will give me the strength and the wisdom to do it.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

States I've been to...

I need to ask my mommy about those up north states, I can't remember which of them I've been too. I can't remember if I've been to Alabama, I think the summer I spent with my grandma, daddums, and sarah travelling?

create your own visited states map

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Creatively evil, huh... *snickers*


I am so so so tired. I've been awake since 6:45 AM, studied until my test at 10, took my test, went and picked up my package from my mommy and picked up Tara, went to Theology, then to Spanish, but left SPanish to go to Records and Registration because I had been dropped from all my classes, but that was a glitch and I HADN'T been dropped, ate lunch,went to the mall with Shannon and Tara, took a nap, painted my floor, drank some juice, checked my e-mail, and wrote this blog.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!! *smooches*

ps. Mommies make the best valentines.