Monday, October 25, 2004

Did you ever wonder?

This is just something I was thinking about today, I wonder how people would answer...

When was the last time your mom picked you up?
When was the last time you played pretend?
What happened to all of your toys?
When was the last time you took a bath with a brother/sister/cousin or with someone else innocently?
When did you stop thinking that all members of the opposite sex were icky?
How old were you when you last wet the bed?
When did you stop believing that you could be anything you wanted?
In short...
When did you grow up?

I was wrong...

Life actually does not always suck. After the Worst Week Ever, and the beginnings of what narrowly escaped being the worst fall break ever (its a long story, but basically, I lived out Murphy's law.) Tara got to come see me for a couple of days. I cried when she had to get on the bus to go home. I was moderately depressed for the next few days, but randomly decided to ask Andy Wall to come watch a movie with me in my room on Friday Night. I don't even remember how it happened, but we decided to drive up to Nebraska and see Nathan on Saturday, stay the night, and come back Sunday! This was the Best Weekend Ever. It was amazing. Andy got to play Fable all weekend (why do I feel like this isn't the first time someone has said that exact same sentence in the last month?) and I got to spend all sorts of time with Nathan. We actually got to sit down and talk for the first time in ages... Never underestimate the value of a good conversation.

I also came to the realization that I am never comepletly content and happy with my life without being with certain people. Its like.. something is always missing, and it feels completely full. When I am with my family (most of the time) particularly my parents, when I am with Tara, or when I am with Nathan. I think that it would be fully worse if I didn't have God, but He has promised that He will always be with me... and for that I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, I just thought I ought to get back to posting, since I haven't in awhile!

Be good, watch T.V.!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Conversations in the Car

conversation between me and Jessica Hardy on our way to pick up Tara:

"Their vanilla milk shake is grubbin'!"
"I don't know what that means."
"Grubbin'?"
"Yeah..."
"It means good."
"Oh. Well, mine isn't very good."
"Its root bear, right?"
"Its supposed to be."
"So thats just what they tell you to get you to buy it."
"Yep. It tastes like a marshmallow. A burned marshmallow."
"Well, that's not that bad."
"Actually, a stick that a burned marshmallow was cooked on. Thats what it tastes like."
"Ew! Thats disgusting!"

Friday, October 15, 2004

Take Me Away...

this time all I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burned me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let me stay here alone
this time all I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen it all and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away


I'm so tired. I just want to leave, I want to be done... I want everything to be right again, as it has so briefly been in moments in the past. I don't know it it ever will be right again. I don't feel like it will. I haven't even had a moment of reprieve for a very long time. Why can't I just have the few normal things that most people have? A job, a few faithful friends nearby... Why am I the loser outcast? What is it that I keep doing wrong? I know I've done something, and I swear I would quit if I only knew what it was. Is it possible for a heart to cry? For all the tears and sadness to stay inside? I try so hard to stay away from other people, to protect them from seeing how they hurt me, or from letting them be hurt by me. I don't think I succeed. If only someone could hear me trying not to cry for help... if only someone knew how desperately I needed it. But no one can. It is my job to live my life, and let everyone else live theirs without my selfishness tainting them.

Don't feel bad, and don't worry! I have to write this, I have to get it on the outside of me, and it isn't for you. Just shake your head and tell yourself how melodramatic I am, how I overreact to the most stupid things. You'll be right.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Hiding

I don't think it is right that the only place I have to flee to is the internet... right now, the only people I can talk to are ON the internet. I know that Erika hates the fact that I am friends with Andy, but its because of times like this, when she seems to hate me and well... Andy doesn't. He doesn't (usually) care if I am upset when I talk to him, and it doesn't bother him when I use him to vent. Sometimes you just need a friend that you don't have to be afraid of offending. Even when he gets mad at me, he doesn't just decide to quit talking to me, or joining in the "alienate me" campaign. I value that.

Its not often that I can vent so openly on here, but I've spent the last two weeks feeling hurt and rejected, and to be honest, I am tired of it. I don't know what it is that I do that makes so many people get mad at me all at once. I try to talk to people, but they aren't interested in figuring out what is wrong... but I can't believe that it is all my fault. I don't like to talk to Tara about all this, she has enough problems of her own, and I don't want to put her in the middle, especially since she is friends with my little "group" here at school. And Nathan, well, its not fair to burden him with this either, he is having a good time in Tarkio and I don't want to screw that up. Not that I could talk to him anyway... I can't even call him until he goes back to Nebraska.

So what do I do? I hide everything as much as I possibly can, until this point when I can't help but cry in public, and there is nothing I can do to pretend that nothing anyone does hurts, and that everything is okay. So here it is.

Monday, October 11, 2004

random quizzie type things...

By the way, thanks for the comments earlier! I love people who comment! And mom, WHY DID YOU CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR??? Don't you remember what happened last time you did that, back in '94? I do! The fact that I remember should tell you something... but I will withold judgment till I see it myself.... In the meantime...

I AM 19% GEEK!
19% GEEK
I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear


I AM 54% EMO!
54% EMO
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.


I AM 54% SKA!
54% SKA
Well, maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I shouldn't forget my roots, and remember that punk and reggae wouldn't exist without ska.



I AM 21% WHITE TRASH!
21% WHITE TRASH
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

A veces estoy una tuerca...

Sometimes I just don't know what to post. If I post everything that has happened since the last time I posted, than I would be typing forever, and I am kind of sleepy...

Well, how about this...

People keep talking to me. Telling me the bad things they are going through. Confiding, they call it. And you know what the funny thing is? Its none of the people it seems like it ought to be. The people who I've been praying with, who just need me to lend a listening ear, are just like... people on my floor. Or on campus. Some of them are most assuredly friends... they just aren't the people that used to talk to me. I feel like I am left out of the loop that I used to be in... afraid to say the wrong thing because I will make someone feel bad, or afraid to feel bad myself in the event that someone might use that as a reason to feel worse themselves. I don't like to burden people, and I don't like people to worry about me. Its my job to do that for everyone else.

Nah, thats not worth posting. Oops... already did... *grins*

Be good, watch T.V. (even if you are in Tarkio!)

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

chicken strips in the garden with rice krispies

Doesn't that sound like the name of some painting or something? Anyway... I have tried to post so many things in the last week, and I don't know if its blogger, the way blogger interacts with the network here, or if it is just the network, but this is the first time its letting me do ANYTHING. So, I will be posting more later, when I get around to it. But meanwhile, peruse this MSN conversation I had with my friend Jenna this afternoon.... It was 19 pages in Word!

---
Our actual names were "(I love chicken strip day!)" and "Jenna-Ode to Dayquill...SALUTE!" but since these are really long names, I will just shorten them to Chicken and Jenna. K?

Jenna Says:
as the chicken in Home On the Range once said "who would eat a chicken?"
Chicken Says:I would!!!
Chicken Says:
especially when they strip ;-D
Jenna Says:
lol..i know you would..me too..i chicken
Jenna Says:you dirty person..lol
Chicken Says:I know!
Jenna Says:do the chicken strip
Jenna Says:i mean,
Jenna Says:lol!
Chicken Says:*giggles*
Jenna Says:lol
Jenna Says:I [heart] you Chicken
Jenna Says:you know, we haven't hung out at all this semester...we barely even see each other
Jenna Says:i mourn the loss of you
Chicken Says:aw
Chicken Says:I heart you too
Chicken Says:You mourn, huh?
Chickeny Says:You barely enev said hi to me yesterday when i saw you *nods*
Chicken Says:*sniffs*
Jenna Says:yeah..that's why i'm wearing pink
Chicken Says:*blinks*
Jenna Says:oh i wasn't feeling good
Chicken Says:aw
Jenna Says:i felt like my head was going to fall off
Jenna Says:so i may have heard you but not have seen you and just nodded to the tone of
your voice...where was i when you said hi to me?
Jenna Says:(this might be why they call me Dory)
Chicken Says:Walking past the student union

Chicken Says:And you looked straight at me
Jenna Says:oh...lol..i might have been thinking about the nap i was going to take
Chicken Says:And sort of waved
Chicken Says:lol
Jenna Says:hmm..well at least i recognized you..sometimes, people will say hi to me and i'll
say hi to them after they have already walked past me so therefore, i look like i am saying hi to myself or the air...
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:are you sure that you recognized me? or were you just saying hi to the person who
said your name, unaware that it was me?
Jenna Says:i'm pretty sure i didn't do that
Chicken Says:but you don't remember
Chicken Says:SO you may have
Jenna Says:dude, i'll remember in like three weeks
Chicken Says:Uh huh
Chicken Says:you say this
Chicken Says:did you know alaldin came out on dvd today?
Jenna Says:yes..well i didn't know it was today but i knew it was coming out sometime in
october so therefore..uh no
Jenna Says:and i do believe it's aladin
Jenna Says:not alaldin..looks like something osama bin laden would name his third
trillioneth son
Chicken Says:aladdin
Chicken Says:i was typing too fast
Jenna Says:well, my most sincere apologies
Chicken Says:indeed
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:the second d is very important
Chicken Says:it probably means something
Jenna Says:um why?
Chicken Says:because
Jenna Says:like what...Chicken?
Chicken Says:it probably means something
Chicken Says:no
Jenna Says:aladChickenn
Chicken Says:I'M not a person fromteh middle east
Chicken Says:that just dsounds perverted
Jenna Says:maybe you are but you just don't it
Jenna Says:maybe you're....scary music..THE ANTICHRIST!
Chicken Says:I know the capital of Brunei
Chicken Says:Do you
Jenna Says:sorry..in a totally weird mood
Chicken Says:DO YOU
Jenna Says:no
Chicken Says:!!!!!
Jenna Says:do i look like a history major?
Chicken Says:Doesn't just EVERYONE know that
Chicken Says:Its not a history question
Chicken Says:its a geography question
Jenna Says:well what is it then?
Chicken Says:but since you come from the middle of nowhere, I guess we can't expect you to
know.
Jenna Says:dude, i'm taking geography right now and we just started the middle east
Chicken Says:lol
Jenna Says:oh dude don't talk...at least we have CORN!
Chicken Says:are you taking it with garret?
Jenna Says:yes..he cracks me up
Chicken Says:that is all you have!
Jenna Says:no..we have fields
Chicken Says:I think you have it with Leah and Lauren
Jenna Says:a who and a what?
Chicken Says:did you take corn to the prom?
Chicken Says:Leah and Lauren
Jenna Says:no..he wouldn't go..he had a date with stalk
Chicken Says:my roomate and a friend on my floor
Chicken Says:was she is stalker?
Chicken Says:thats dangerous
Chicken Says:why can't you tell secrets in a garden?
Jenna Says:i don't know them..i sit in the front with shannon, sheba, and katie
Chicken Says:because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk
Jenna Says:no..he was infatuated with her
Jenna Says:haha!
Chicken Says:you have to say it out loud to really make you laugh
Jenna Says:that's great
Chicken Says:infatuation is never lasting
Jenna Says:well i guess you will have to tell me
Jenna Says:oh it is with corn and stalk
Chicken Says:its like chaff from weat
Jenna Says:what????
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:but you don't have wheat
Chicken Says:so you wouldn't know
Jenna Says:you can get chafed from wheat
Jenna Says:dude, i have wheat...we do have Wheaties in iowa you know
Chicken Says:Bandar Seri Begawan
Jenna Says:what???
Jenna Says:S:
Chicken Says:Wheaties are gross
Chicken Says:Its the capital of Brunie, silly
Jenna Says:duh
Chicken Says:You asked what it was
Chicken Says:Brunei, too
Jenna Says:but that was twenty minutes ago........
Chicken Says:both of them
Chicken Says:You still asked
Jenna Says:okay...
Jenna Says:i did
Jenna Says:?
Jenna Says:see, i'm dory
Chicken Says:”Jenna- Ode to Dayquill..SALUTE! says:well what is it then?”
Jenna Says:oh okay
Chicken Says:See?
Chicken Says:I told you
Jenna Says:i am getting nothing accomplished..sighs..oh well
Chicken Says:you should accomplish
Jenna Says:oh dayquill my dayquill how lovely are your..umm...orange pills..they make me
feel so much better...so i can be happy and feel better
Chicken Says:You should nap
Chicken Says:*nods*
Chicken Says:I'm doing the food olympics *sighs*
Chicken Says:They always ask the fat girl
Chicken Says:
:-D
Chicken Says:What they don't know is that I barely eat! muhahahaha
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:I'm not random
Chicken Says:I'm just on a faster train of thought than anyone
Jenna Says:i am randon
Jenna Says:i mean, random
Chicken Says:hi randon
Chicken Says:I'm Chicken
Chicken Says:Nice to meet you!
Chicken Says:That would be a fun name
Chicken Says:Randon
Chicken Says:No one would know how to spell it
Jenna Says:rolls eyes
Chicken Says:It would confuse them
Chicken Says:They would be like "Randon?"
Chicken Says:Because it would SOUND like a name they had heard before
Chicken Says:But it isn't
Chicken Says:so they would be confused
Chicken Says:and then you could take over the world!
Jenna Says:you're evil
Chicken Says:Or Randon could
Chicken Says:whatever.
Jenna Says:my multipersonalityChicken Says:Right
Chicken Says:Your evil side
Chicken Says:Which is mostly like your good side
Chicken Says:Only Taller
Jenna Says:LOL1
Jenna Says:LOL!
Chicken Says:Evil people are always tall
Chicken Says:except for mini me
Jenna Says:umm
Chicken Says:but he was more of a sidekick
Jenna Says:?
Chicken Says:They are!
Chicken Says:Think about it
Chicken Says:Lex Luthor
Chicken Says:tall
Chicken Says:um
Chicken Says:probably some other evil guys
Chicken Says:that i can't think of
Chicken Says:right now
Jenna Says:well, it's cause your mind is in chicken strip mdoe
Jenna Says:mode
Chicken Says:i love them!
Jenna Says:marry them then
Chicken Says:I can't
Chicken Says:I'm going to marry nathan!
Jenna Says:deem?
Jenna Says:ew sicko
Chicken Says:NO
Chicken Says:SIlly
Chicken Says:Hes too perfect
Chicken Says:Nathan Riley
Jenna Says:what's that word?
Chicken Says:what word?
Jenna Says:nm
Chicken Says:silly?
Jenna Says:nathan deem too perfect? HA! i laugh at that
Chicken Says:But the I was capitilized
Chicken Says:so it looked like Sllly
Chicken Says:instead of sIlly
Chicken Says:they are different
Chicken Says:there
Chicken Says:now l and I won't look quite the smae
Chicken Says:same
Jenna Says:um...okay
Chicken Says:too
Jenna Says:it'd help if you could spell...
Chicken Says:IlIlIl
Chicken Says:I can spell
Chicken Says:I can't type
Chicken Says:BIG difference
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:I'm going to post our conversation on my blog
Chicken Says:beccause it amuses me so
Jenna Says:why?
Chicken Says:I mean
Chicken Says:read it!
Jenna Says:ooo..i'm famousChicken Says:Not yet
Chicken Says:but you will be
Chicken Says:oh yes.
Chicken Says:you will be
Chicken Says:*evil maniacal insane laughter*
Jenna Says:lol
Chicken Says:*cakle*
Chicken Says:cackle
Chicken Says:whatever
Jenna Says:would have been even more funny if you said crackle
Jenna Says:then i would have called you rice krispie
Chicken Says:i have some marshmallow halloween cocoa rice krispies
Jenna Says:ewwwwwww
Jenna Says:too much sweet in one cereal
Chicken Says:I love it1
Chicken Says:!
Jenna Says:okayy..good for you!
Chicken Says:Thanks!
Chicken Says:Except the other day
Chicken Says:when I was talking to Nathan
Chicken Says:not Deem
Jenna Says:deem?
Chicken Says:the other one
Jenna Says:LOL!
Chicken Says:mine
Chicken Says:anyway
Chicken Says:When I was talking to him
Chicken Says:I got distracted
Chicken Says:and my cereal got soggy
Chicken Says:you know whats worse then soggy cocoa krispies?
Chicken Says:soggy cocoa krisipies WITH MARSHMALLOWS
Jenna Says:umm..i'm sorry..
Chicken Says:*nods*
Chicken Says:Scared yet?
Jenna Says:very
Jenna Says:dude, my dorm room is FREEZING!
Chicken Says:Thats because they haven't turned the ac off yet
Chicken Says:do you have the thermostat?
Jenna Says:yes...and it's still COLD!
Jenna Says:it's on 75 too
Chicken Says:turn the fan off
Jenna Says:i did
Jenna Says:maybe it's cause my desk is by the window...
Chicken Says:you should climb into bed and pull the covers up under your chin
Jenna Says:then i would fall asleep...
Chicken Says:And this would be bad how?
Jenna Says:cause i have to practice with my accompanist in about a half hour...
Chicken Says:ah
Chicken Says:who is your accompaniest
Chicken Says:?
Chicken Says:Oh!
Chicken Says:And
Chicken Says:VOTE FOR RAKEL!
Jenna Says:shannon davis
Chicken Says:I don't know her
Jenna Says:i'm not a senior..but i'd be divided between her and jenny bittinger
Chicken Says:You can still vote
Chicken Says:seniors nominate
Chicken Says:everyone votes
Jenna Says:oh okay
Chicken Says:well, vote for rakel
Chicken Says:because i love her
Jenna Says:well i might wind up voting for jenny
Jenna Says:i love them both but jenny's so nice and stuff
Chicken Says:*sniffs*
Chicken Says:So is Rakel! Plus, she is on my floor.

Monday, October 04, 2004

La Vanidad de la Modestia

yet another essay...

En su historia, “Las Cartas de Screwtape,” C. S. Lewis escribió sobre un demonio que escribe las cartas a su sobrino, otro demonio. Las cartas lo enseñan al sobrino ser un buen demonio. En una carta, Screwtape decide a hacerle a su sobrino un ejemplo.
Él diga una historia sobre un tiempo cuando el espíritu maligno había tentado un cristiano. Cuando el hombre rogaría a Dios, Screwtape murmuraba en su oreja,
-¿Ve que usted sea modesta? Jesús lo ama porque está un buen cristiano. Usted ruega siempre, adora Dios todos los días… Nadie es tan modesto como usted.
Estaba círculo vicioso. Porque cuando el cristiano realizaba que había estado orgulloso, o vano, él parecí modesto otra vez.
Lewis sabía la verdad. La naturaleza humana es siempre vana. Es fácil para el diablo a convencer el ser humano que tenga orgulloso in su modesta es natural y bien. “La modestia” no existe, excepto si existe in la imaginación de los “piadosos.” La Santa Biblia dice en Eclesiastés 1:14 (NVI),
-Y he observado todo cuanto se hace en esta vida, y todo ello es absurdo, ¡es correr tras el viento!
Hasta cuanto la gente cree que sea modesta, la gente no tiene razón. Está una esfuerza eterna, continua, y sin fin.
O estaría. La Biblia dice también, en Proverbios 16:18 (NVI)
-Al orgullo le sigue la destrucción, a la altanería, el fracaso.
PERO
-El temor del Señor es corrección y sabiduría; la humilidad precede a la honra. (Prov. 15:33, NVI)
Es la verdad que la naturaleza humana es vana, pero por Cristo, y por su muerte, los seres humanos pueden parecer modestos a Jesús. Screwtape lo enseña a su sobrino que sea mal y del mismo modo, Dios nos enseña que seamos modestos. Cuando los demonios murmuran, porque de Cristo la esfuerza no continua.
La modestia no existe, pero el amor, la misericordia, la gracia, que Dios se le da a humanidad, surte una camina para huir la naturaleza humana y la vanidad.