Monday, September 06, 2004

....Epiphany...

Late on night I had a notion, an epiphany would be a better word...

There is someone else I should be saying this too, at least, before I put it on here for all the world to see, to know... and he will likely read this before I ever say it to him. And maybe I'm wrong, but sometimes things are so hard to say on the phone, and I couldn't ruin the short time that I had with him... so without further ado.

My epiphany.

Things have been said that have lead me to believe that Nathan plans on proposing to me eventually. I say this knowing perfectly well that he plans on it, but it seemed easier to be vague. I don't know when, but everything seems to be pointing that way. So, when I first began to have an inkling that this was a distinct possibility (it was awhile ago) I started to get, well, freaked out. I thought seeing him in July would help me sort out what I was thinking and feeling, but it only confused me more. Inside it was almost a feeling of impending dread, and I can't explain it any better than that. Than I went through a long period of not being able to talk to Nathan... maybe no more than brief conversations for something like a month. Fast forward to this weekend:

I asked Shannon if I could go home with her to Tarkio to visit Tara. A couple of hours later, someone asked me something about Nathan, and a lightbulb flickered in my brain, enlightening me to the fact that Nathan had told me he was going to Tarkio not two days earlier. So, I called him and told him that I, too, would be in Tarkio. What I didn't tell him was that seeing him was going to force me to make a decision that could affect us both.

Backing up again.

I don't really like taking little rabbit trails to explain things. (thats a lie) But this time, I have to. See, God has been doing a lot in my life this summer... I haven't talked about it much, afraid of jinxing it maybe. But I have started analyzing things in my life, asking God what needs to go and what needs to stay. Can you see where this is going? It wasn't just this, but it was one of the majoring things that started making me question my relationship with Nathan. Back to the story.

So, I only got to spend about an hour or so with him walking around Tarkio on Saturday night. And things were good. Better. And I had been praying for God to give me the strength to do what I needed to do, whatever it was. Things are better. It probably doesn't seem like much to you. The entire situation happened inside of me, and very few people (no one, actually) really knew anything about it. But it was important to me. See, I had to give my relationship with Nathan to God, no matter what the cost. And I did, and things are better. I feel right now. I'm not afriad that dating is going to affect my relationship with God.

Be good, watch TV.

I love you, Nathan

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