Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Sad Songs Say So Much

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it's easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues~Elton John~

It's funny how, even now, you still support me after all the things that I've done.
You're so good to me, wait impatiently, and isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care?

My parents have been there for me so much, and I don't even deserve all that they've done for me. In fact, I don't deserve even a fraction of the love and support I have gotten from either of them... I hate knowing what an ungrateful person I am. And if I know myself, and I think I do, I will never be able to find a way to repay them.

I will survive! As long as i know how to love I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give, and I'll survive. I will survive ~Gloria Gaynor~

I still don't think I can see the good in myself. Even after all this time, you would think, maybe just maybe I would have something to pull from when these moods hit. I'm left clinging to the rock, praying for the storm to pass, and all I can say is that I know that God will pull me through... battered and bruised, but I always survive. I have to remember that, no matter how hurt and hard I feel, I will survive.

I never said I was perfect

But I expect myself to be, don't I? In fact, I expect myself to achieve the lowest level of perfection possible, no matter how hard I try to be the best. I never realyl believe I can do it. I've never tried to convince anyone that I am a good person...

I got down on myself
Working too hard
Driving myself to death
Trying to beat up the faults in my head
What a mess I've made
Sure we all make mistakes
But they see me so large
That they think I'm immune to the pain

Walk on shells tonight
Can't do wrong tonight
And you can't say the word cause I need to know ....
I'm praying for a miracle
But I won't hold my breath ~Garbage~

And boy does THAT just say it all. *shakes her head* I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm so backwards. I should be happy! And I can't let anyone see how truly sad I am, because then... they might care. And then I bring someone in to share the pain, and they have to help me bear my burden. And thats my job! I have to be there for other people, no matter what the cost, or else how can I repay my debt? And the more bad I let other people be a part of, the greater the burden on my own shoulders to this world. Have you ever thought that maybe there are people like me who aren't meant to be happy? Because being happy causes guilt, and that doesn't seem right either. Gah! I don't even make any sense to myself anymore.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

note to self:

Yay! My mommy sent my easter basket!! She loves me


this much!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Two Mes

Its the way I'm feeling right now that simply emphasizes the fact that I do not, in fact, live my life in the same plane of existance as anyone else. I feel so... detached. Like I am an observer of the person called Dorothy, mildly interested in her life and the choices she makes, but attached to her only as much one can be to a character in a story. I am almost certain that this is not normal. That, combined with my recent obsession with the fear of the unknown, like death, has caused me to conclude that I am very very strange.

It is as though I am two people, one girl who loves and lives and tries to make sense out of her life, and some being who is nothing, has no substance but only thinks and observes. Its so strange, I have had these thoughts and feelings for as long as I can remember, but I have never never shared them with anyone. But then, I haven't been trapped in this state, wavering between moods, stuck as part of one and part of another for so long.

This is the observer, the cynic, the one who fears and hates and writes and has no idea why its am trapped in the body of a girl who ought to be different than she is. Its in the night, when its quiet and the very air is thoughtful, that the observer comes out and ponders life. Its the reason I can't love myself. Its where all the doubt comes from. The observer is insanely intelligent, loves to read, to be alone, to, well, think. The observer hates all of the rest of who I am. The observer is the one who mercilessly teases, who does things just to see how other people will react (good or bad). And the worst thing perhaps is that its these characteristics that my family most associates with ME.

I don't really like talking about myself in third person, but I have a feeling that this would be even more confusing if I didn't.

The rest of me, the one who is passionate, who spends time in tears, who desperately wants to love and care about other people, the one who yearns so much to love God, who laughs, who sings, who is lazy sometimes but is so motivated at others, this is who I wish I could be. This is the one who has pretended so long that she isn't at all smart that she can frequently fool people into thinking that she is almost average.

I'm responsible for both, and I just wish that somehow, somewhere, there could be a melding and that would be me consistently. I can't explain the strange sensation of being myself but not fully myself. The only word that comes to mind is 'whacko' but that isn't really it. I'm just here, living my life in an alternate reality.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

So Sleepy...

Tonight I held council with a friend... sometimes friendship outweighs sleep. But this freind needed someone to listen, and God provided that I was still awake. Who knew that the heartbreak suffered only a short while ago would lead to something positive? Any pain I've been through was worth it if I could tell someone else why they shouldn't make my mistakes. Including agreeing to work at eight in the morning when I just worked a midnight shift. *wink*

I'm sitting at the computer with A. Sirtin Lyon in my lap. It makes me ever so happy, my Nathan is home! I couldn't talk to him when he was away up in Tarkio (although missing him causes me to write just the longest letters) but now he is back in Nebraska. Someday, I hope I won't have to be excited just because he has internet access again... because I will be close enough to see him once in awhile... And of course, we still have plans to crash is fourth of July party *sshh, don't tell* My mom said to be careful going up there, but joy of joys, she didn't say I couldn't go! *huggles her mommy who will read this eventually*

I don't want to work tomorrow! I have to be up in less than four hours. *sighs* I can do it, I know I can. And I still ahve ANOTHER 500 word essay to write this weekend (as if one wasn't enough) They are only worth ten points! That doesn't mean I am not going to write them all, it just means that I resent my sweat and tears being worth so little. And now! To bed to bed. *huggles and smooches you all, twice if you are Nathan*

Be Good, Watch TV

Hail to thee, blithe spirit!
Bird thou never wert,
That from heaven or near it,
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Death in the Family

Tara's pet fish died. But then, I suppose to tell you about that, I would have to begin with the fact that Tara bought a fish. About two weeks ago, Tara and I were shopping at Wal-Mart, gone with the sole purpose of buying chap-stick. We went down where the chap-stick is, and then spotted the fish aisle only a few rows down. Needless to say, we decided right then and there that we needed fish. I picked out this adorable little chubby goldfish with a spot, and Tara bought a longer, leaner, but just as precious little goldfish. After picking out the necesary supplies (aquarium, gravel, food) we went home... without chapstick. After a few days of debate, we finally decided on names. Tara went the Japanese route and named her fish Irani. It means shrimp. My fish is named Spot, but I call it fish-fish. I don't know why, dangit! *wink* Anyway, fish-fish and shrimp were the best of friends. Whenever they heard me say "Hello babies!" they would both swim over to the little hole where the food gets dropped in and wait for their little brown flakes of happiness to descend. I don't know if they really heard me, but whatever it was, they knew when I was coming to feed them. But then Irani got sick. We thought it was ick, but fish-fish never got it! And we were treating the tank, too... but it didn't help. *sniffles*

Okay, I have to talk about other news now...

I got a Missouri driver's license. I had to! Mine expired, and I just couldn't wait until I got home to get it renewed, so I am just going to switch it back over once I get home. $20 wasted somewhat, when I couldn't really afford it, but I can afford a ticket even less. I still want to vote in Kentucky, which is why switching back is so important. Also, I have a couple of points on my Missouri license, because of that ticket last year, but they don't transcend states so my Kentucky license is clear. The same day, Tara got her drivers permit! So car, she has managed to kill, maim... or well, at least she hit a possum. It was almost cute, too, somehow, right before it thumped. We cleaned one of our rooms quite thouroghly, except for Erika's stuff around and on her desk. We didn't really think it was our place to mess with her desk. But the rest of the room is finally clean!!! I won't even tell you that it took both myself and Tara with our arms completely full of bags to take all the trash out... And that with Erika taking some of it out the other day!

We are (hopefully!) going to Nebraska for the fourth of July!! Yayayayayayayayay! Me and Jason and Tara and Jess and maybe Erika! And we are trying to convince Dewey and DJ from Tarkio... *hmms* I should tell Nathan to ask David to come. (Nebraska means Nathan's house with his dad, David is Nathan's little brother) I might get to meet Nathan's dad and grandparents... I'm nervous, but excited. I know that sounds weird, but I get along with Kema, his mom (I even know her birthday!) and so it makes me more confident about meeting his family. Plus, I guess its just part of this whole thing that I want to understand Nathan, and I kind of feel like I will have a better perspective meeting the people he is related to. Jason will be here from Korea on the 26 (more or less) I am driving to St Louis international to get him.. I've been to St Louis, but not the airport, so its a bit scary. I like Kansas City, its closer, smaller, and I've been there several times before (Nathan and Tara remember *wink*)

All righty, so this was my real post that I promised to a few people, hopefully more later. Love, hugs, and mayonaise!

Be good, Watch TV

Friday, June 18, 2004

I know I'm a loser!

But I can't help it! So here, for your happy perusal... more quizzes *happy banana dance*

I am the Nile!
Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.
*Makes river-ey sounds at you*

I'm Ludvig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.
Oooh, swans! Do you walk to work or take a lunch?

Are You Damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
I wasn't going to share this one if it turned out bad 0:-)

Which Annoying B-list Celebrity Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey.

I am Rabies. Grrrrrrrr!
Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.
Well, if I HAD to be a horrible affliction... and most bats don't bite!!!

My insulting name is Widdlemouth Paraplegickicker!
What's yours?

Now, Ima do you!!
Erika Nelson=Extra-chromosome-special Herpesmonkey
Tara Riley=Um, Tara, don't do yours. Its bad.
Nathan Riley=Nathan, you would think it was funny, but I can't put it on HERE!
Mom=Valdoonican'slovechild Paraplegickicker
William Ortiz=Widdlemouth Chjortnik
Caly Martin=Cheap lazy Fart in a jamjar

If you aren't on here, that means I don't know that you read my blog! So, figure it out yourself and put it in the comment box... I need to know so I can insult you properly.

My rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Booty Teapot, Yo.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.

My emo song title is forget my reality because I love you.
Take The "If Your Name Was An Emo Song... Generator Thingy" today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Okay, thats all for now ladies and folks!!!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Rings and Things

I have no idea what the title of this entry means, I just thought it rhymed and sounded pretty. Actually, I don't even really have anything to talk about because pretty much all I have been doing is trying to figure out HOW IN THE HECK to send my teacher my essays. Apparantly he hasn't ever gotten any of them! Or my test! *sniffles* I hope everything turns out all right with this... Pray for me!

Oh yeah, today is special! It is the sixth month anniversary of the day Nathan and I started dating... its a little bit scary. You know, I guess I ought to use the word "dating" a bit less loosely, since we've only been on two dates, not counting the day we spent at his house, and never alone, so I don't know what you call it. :) Anyway, I really am going now *waves* Bedtime! (Thats right, I haven't been to bed yet, and its 4 AM)

Scary Quizzes...

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

GAME BOY - Born to Play
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is ten years old today

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It isn't a poem
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
"I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't
a poem."
You are a type A personality. You like bright
things, you don't call in sick to work, and you
have devastating opinions about art.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who!

What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a guardian angel no doubt about it. Even
though you haven't exactly seen him, he's
watching over you without-a-doubt.. who knows..
maybe it's love?

would an angel, demon, or pure evil fall for you? (now w/ pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Proof positive that Nathan ISN'T the evil character he thinks he is!

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


Tidal waves they rip right through me
tears from eyes worn cold and sad
pick me up now, I need you so bad

I lay in bed this morning, pleading with God to take the hurt away. I begged him to hold me, to teach me to forgive, to be patient, to understand. I've also spent the time realizing that the only thing holding me in Missouri this summer is work, and the fact that I will likely be unable to find it back home. I know staying here is the responsible thing to do, even at the cost of breaking apart. Who can I trust? I know, I am not the center of the universe, and I need to be less self centered. But I still wish there was someone that really cared, thought about me, and how things make me feel. Its too much to ask, and I think my next step in self improvement needs to be learning to be fully self reliant.