Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Reflections...

I'm not doing so well right now... I'm incredibly depressed and feeling a bit lost. I feel like the most abominable person alive, and I feel as though I ought to offer the world an apology for my existance. My only consolation is that you actually choose to read this, I don't force you to listen to tales of my sorry state of mind. I feel like I've caused more trouble than any good my existance has accomplished can account for. I tried to talk to someone tonight, for the first time in awhile, but the conversation ended with me being told that I was "acting like a b****" and that they would talk to me again when I was normal. This had nothing to do with me somewhat pouring my heart out to them, although that had happened a little bit earlier in the conversation. I was teasing about a video game, and due the wonders of technology, somehow their annoyance with my teasing didn't come through the silent instant messenger screen.. I only get words, not inflections. At any rate, this person said what they did knowing my mental state, and knowing that I already think I am the suckiest person in the world, so here I sit in tears, berating myself and wishing I didn't suck quite so much. If only I were better, smarter, funnier, whateverer, I wouldn't hurt people. I wish I could disappear, but I can't, and I know it. I appreciate being alive too much to want to really quit doing it, not to mention the fact that I couldn't EVER willingly put that burden on anyone I care about. Alrighty, enough of the random ranting, I do love you, and maybe I will be "normal" again soon and you can all talk to me safely...

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