Saturday, April 03, 2004

And yet again...

To the good news... As always, I have the bestest parents in the world! They fixed what I didn't do, and filed my FAFSA for me, as well as my taxes (well, I have to sign them, but they did them anyways) My mom also did my car registration... My mom and dad rock my world...

I, obviously, didn't go to banquet. Well, maybe not obviously, but I definitely didn't. And by that one simple fact, I have made yet another series of my all too frequent mistakes. Well, its more of a combination of many things. Lemme esplain... no no, is too long, lemme sum up:

Tara has been down lately, and a lot of that is probably my fault. I have been depressed, for many reasons and for no reason at all. I don't sleep, and my eating habits are sporadic (as in, I'm lucky if I remember to eat once a day) I'm getting behind in school work. Not trying to, but I am, a little overwhelmed. I miss Nathan more everyday; It is some indefinable thing that makes seeing him different. Even to know he was close to me would be enough, he wouldn't even have to say a word. Compound this with the typical me problems and well...

So Tara has also been having some problems, and like a blundering dolt I have forced her to endure my selfish tears and pity parties. Its always about me, about how I feel, why my life sucks, how hard a time I am having, I am so pitiful, blah blah blah. But I am not entirely selfish, and I do love Tara dearly, and I want to make things better for her... and failed miserably *see 'blundering' above* She is a beautiful sweet wonderful person, and I just don't know how to convince her to see it. I knew I couldn't go to the banquet, but Tara had a dress, jewelry, shoes... I wanted her to go. I knew she would have fun!! She wasn't convinced, but I was. So even though I was really bummed for myself, I tried to make sure that she knew I wanted her to go. Made her a wrap to go with her dress (love sewn into every stitch, my friends), bought her make-up and a certain sundry item necessary for her dress to fit right, did her hair and make-up tonight. (not very well, I suppose, but I did my very best) I gave her my camera and some film to take pictures to send people... Tara is naturally beautiful, and tonight I think she was stunning. And I don't think that it is a biased opinion. I really really wanted her to have a good time... but I ruined it all. All because I was mad at certain other people in the party. I allowed my anger at them to eat at me, and I was miserable and alone all night. So lonely, and if I had tried to get out of it instead of wallowing, then you would be allowed to pity me, but I didn't and you aren't. Finally, around 11:45, after quite a few people had arrived back from Branson I realized that the banquet was long over... and I got tired of waiting. Already hurt by the seeming lack of care from my other 'friends', the thought that they decided to go out after banquet and still not include me was unbearable... so I left. I assumed they wouldn't return until curfew. I didn't want Tara to worry if she got back and I was no where to be found (especially since I had a depressed away message up (which she changed!!! lol)) So I told her that I was tired of being in this stupid room, that I was sad they went somewhere with out me, and that I hoped she had a wonderful time tonight. I left my # in case she got worried. It took me a few minutes to get ready to go, but I left. I walked past many couples dressed for the evening in colorful gowns and snappy tuxes, feeling more melancholy as I went along. I unlocked my car door, and just as I was getting in, Andy pulled up next to me, cheerful and happy. I was so annoyed, I said, "I can't talk, I'm leaving" and got in my car. He tried to get me to talk for a second, but I waved him away, and pulled out of that parking lot faster than was probably feasable. I just drove down Glenstone and back up, I even considered going to a bar just because I could. Then that whole moral compas thing kicked in, and I thought to myself, "You idiot! Yeah, go drink when you're depressed, that will surely turn you into a proper alcoholic!" I know, even thinking it for five seconds was STUPID, but I did think it. And realized how dumb I was. Anyway, about the time I turned around on south Glenstone, Tara called. I was sort of crying and not really wanting anyone to know, and so I think I was kind of abrupt on the phone. I told her I didn't know when I would be back, that I was glad she had fun, and that unless she wanted to come with me (she didn't) I wasn't going to come back in the next few minutes. I ended up at Wal Mart shopping for her easter basket instead (I get to give it to her on Sunday). On my way home, I got pulled over for my stupid headlight (NOT AGAINST THE LAW IN KENTUCKY) I think its a short, as it used to work until someone messed with it, and the brights still work. Anyway, he just wanted to make sure I knew, and told me to get it fixed, no big. I knew he wouldn't do anything about it, because there was no traffic and he had been following me for awhile, so he knew I was driving safely. (I didn't know a police officer was following me, just that there was a car behind me. I even stopped at a four way stop in the middle of a no traffic at all area, and that was when he pulled me over... but I was actually driving the speed limit. Exactly. I also, um, didn't have my seat belt on, and as soon as those lights started flashing, I tugged it on... never before been so glad the my seatbelt sits the way it does, because there was no way he could tell without standing next to my window looking in if I had it on or not.. and by the time I was all the way pulled over, it was on.) Anyway, I got back to school and Tara had written ME a note... and I feel horrid. More horrid. She thinks I hate her and that I wish she hadn't had fun and that I didn't want her to go. It wasn't that at all, folks! But that is what I made her think *sighs* Someday I'll learn to shut up. Oi.

Be good! (watch T.V.)

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