Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I hate my life.

Did the title say it clearly enough? Lemme just say it again, I really hate my life. The worst thing is, I can't even talk about why, because that would involve mentioning people I love, and you might notice, if you read back, that I don't do that. I might make vague references to people that I don't like, but unless I don't know them at all...

I am not going to the junior/senior banquet this year. I thought I was going to have the money, but due to above not-mentioned circumstances, I don't. Nathan isn't coming anyway. So I wouldn't have fun, right? I can just work, work is good. I need the money.

I also might not be coming back to school next year. I have today to finish my FAFSA, but I kind of didn't file my taxes yet. I also lost both my W-2s, when I should have spent spring break doing this. This is what happens when you are irresponsible. I will GET financial aid, but probably lose my grants, and already I won't get $1000 that I had for this year. Its only $500 a semester... but still. I also have to get my GPA up, or I'll lose another $500 or so a semester. Its only .2 or something that I need it to go up, and I can handle that. I think.

What else am I screwing up? I know there is something else... besides the normal stuff... Besides complaining and being negative... so lazy... getting annoyed with people. I should limit who I am nice to, who I do things for. Maybe then I wouldn't open myself up to being hurt. The cold indifference of people who don't care that they are rude, or that they have done something. They make you feel always so so small, and you want them not to hate you, not to think you are this cold nasty little pest. But they do anyway, because you are. Okay, I am going to go now, sorry for this glimpse into my twisted little world.

Homework, it calls to me.

Monday, March 29, 2004

What Was I Talking About?

2:15 AM. Only 5 hours and 45 minutes until I get to go back to my room for a three hour nap: Then class till 3, and then, oh happy day! sleep. And what, pray tell, is keeping you from your room at such an hour, you ask? Well, let me just use this one simple and oh-so-informative word: Work. It has been so crazy! I've been here just a little over two hours, and its already turned my headache into a bit of a migraine. Just moving my head hurts, my neck is so stiff and sore. At least I slept for more of this day than I was awake.

This was the first time I have missed church in over a month. Believe it or not, I am rather disappointed in this fact. I suppose one might assert that my reasons for not going are understandable... still. I was talking on the phone with Nathan until after 3:30, so I was quite tired and I knew I had to work tonight. Also, Tara was spending the night with her parents in a hotel, and I don't really like going to church by myself. You see, I don't have a church here in Springfield, only one of the churches I have been to in the two months was even in this city. I've been to a church in Branson, a church in Tarkio, my church at home twice, and last week I went to a Catholic church (The only non-AG one in the list) called Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church. (A little side note: Every mass I have ever been to has been conducted by an Irish priest. Okay, I've only been to mass three times in my memory, but still!)

This leads into my next rabbit trail: I have discovered that I like liturgy. Despite Professor Murphy's constant jokes about (read: really horrible puns) about "popery" (potpourri) and being "too pooped to pope" I have come to realize that tradition isn't necessarily a bad thing. Rising for scripture and prayer are respectful to God, and congregational responses, if you really mean what you are saying, are no different than reciting the sinner's prayer along with new believers in your home church. I really enjoyed my visit to St Elizabeth, and might go again. Is that shocking?

Perhaps it is obvious that I have spent most of this weekend thinking, realizing things about myself, my life... both good and bad. I don't like to spend this much time on introspection, and I certainly don't like to make a habit of speaking of it, but perhaps this particular time ought to be the exception. Most of the really important things that happen to me go on inside my own head anyway.

I think I have always believed that there is more to life than single extraordinary moments where everything changes. Those moments exist, and they are important, but equally important is the process that leads to each of them. I believe it was Thoreau who wrote the essay expounding the gifts and virtues of Nature, and to me the Nature he describes is God. One of those gifts Nature gives us is the ability to learn. It is the process. This is just an incredible thought to me! God has gifted us with the ability to learn new things, not just from our mistakes but also by making connections in the things we see around us. "This is so and this is so, so these two things together mean that this is so" And no matter how many times one hears or reads such a thing, until you experience it in your own life it doesn't really mean anything. I suppose all this is my crazy preface to this: Falling in love isn't something that happens in an instant.

Yes, this is my revelation that has floored me to the point where I have to write about it. It isn't just falling in love, it applies to every relationship, any kind of love. Because there are different kinds of love, but the its the things that they have in common that case us to use one word for them. This is simply the context in which I made my initial observation, and the more I have thought about it the more I have realized that this applies to so many more things in my life.

So to talk about that all-important process that led up to my sudden revelation. I have not had the chance to spend a lot of time with Nathan. Time, distance, money: All of these things have set themselves as obstacles. We have, in fact, never had a real date. Never even (technically) been alone... And you know what? I'm okay with that. It isn't easy, but somehow I think that if we can stick this out, we are going to be that much stronger for it. We talk on the phone or online (depending if he is in Nebraska or Missouri), we see each other occasionally (probably every two or three months), and we write honest-to-goodness letters. We have an agreement to be open and honest with each other no matter what, and it works for us. We are learning to trust each other and getting to know one another better. Being apart has forced us to be more conscious of the need for communication. So we talk.. a lot. Nathan knows that he can ask me anything at all and expect an honest answer, and I know that same about him. (You should know by now that I can't complete a simple point with out a detailed illustration ;-)) All that to say this: Everytime I talk to him, everytime I see his name appear in my buddy list, everytime I see my name written in his hand I realize again how very special he is to me. That I love him isn't even a question! You all know (I hope) that I love people very quickly, and I think I have loved him from the very first time I met him. The falling in love part is the process. I don't even really know what that means, falling in love, but I do know that every time I talk to him I care a little more. That the more I know him the more I realize that I can trust him, and I am not afraid that he is going to hurt me or break my heart. Its a process, this falling in love thing, and while that "one moment" hasn't come, maybe it doesn't have to.

I wonder if you can know how difficult it is for me to share all this? Maybe it doesn't even make sense (It IS 3:25 AM now) but I know how many people read this on a regular basis. And to be honest, yes, sometimes I am afraid of what you think. But sometimes I think you have to take that extra step and just tell people what's going on inside your head. So. Any comments, my peoples?

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Different Things

Well, I have been neglecting a few things in my posts of late, like judging a history fair. It was a Thursday night, the day after "The Passion" (which I still have not seen) opened. I don't know the date, which is why I know I have been neglecting things here at my alternative reality. ANYWAY... it was a group (big group) of homeschool kids, competeing for a variety of prizes. I am going to assume that you all know what a science fair is, and this is just like that, only with history projects instead of science. Myself, Preston Kness, Brandon Nelson, and Matt (there are a bunch of Matts in the social science department, and I do not know the last name of this one) had to walk around and talk to these kids about there projects, and judge them on the basis of creativity, inspiration, enthsiasm, etc.. and there were five smaller awards (one of which we just had to tie, the kids were too good to have to judge between) and one large award, the history buff. They had projects ranging from Geronimo to the Crimean War ( I don't even know what the Crimean war is *blushes*) These kids had so much original research, some of them had read really old (horrid) books that I have heard of but have been too afraid to read. And thats me, Ms. Reads-it-all! So we gave away all the awards and such, and I actually had a really good time... and ended up very impressed with these kids. I was never such a dedicated homeschooler.

Allright, that is the only Missouri thing that I think will make it in here, although I may change my mind later, as the Spirit moves me (I'm just teasing, goofies!). So Tara and I left for Spring Break on Saturday (we were going to leave Friday, but we were just too tired, and we needed to clean our room). We made it through St Louis without incident! (Praise God, seriously. I hate St. Louis.) We were running low on gas and stopped in Clinton Illinois (don't ever do that) to get gas. I pulled into the parking place, and this guy backed out and hit me... didn't look. So we are dealing with insurance mess now. *sighs* Looks like I'll only be getting $750, even though he did over $1200 in damage.

Tara and I spent Spring Break sleeping, chilling out, and visiting fun places like the state capital building in Frankfort, CSF, Tolly-Ho, Lexington Cemetery, Kentucky Theater... I haven't had such a fun week in a long time! Anyway, that was about the extent of it soo... *hugs and smooches*

Monday, March 01, 2004

The weekend that was...

So where to begin... Let us start with Thursday. I spent the day cleaning my room, Tara and I frantically attempting to undo a weeks worth of trash, clothes and general messiness. I also did a bunch of reading for class and prepared a script for a presentation my group was giving in History of 20th Century Europe. I also chose this time to do my laundry. All these things finished, I hopped into bed quite early... in the morning. Approximately 4:30 AM, in fact. I woke up and went to class on Firday, completely forgetting about chapel... *sighs* I got back to my room, threw some stuff in a bag, and around 3:45 Tara, Shannon, and I left for Tarkio.
Now I typically have to work at 4:00 on Friday afternoons, but I switched shifts with someone so I could go along.
We arrived in Tarkio around 8:30 and attended a Tarkio High School basketball game, where I saw David, Nathan's brother. Of course David went home and told Nathan we were there, so he called over to Tara's and we talked for a bit. We stayed up late talking, first between the three of us and Bridget, Tara's sister, and Cassie, Tara's cousin. The younger two headed off to bed, and we three continued to talk until 1:30. Then Tara and I conversed in the dark for awhile before falling asleep. We got up late on Saturday morning, dressed (Tara ate breakfast) and headed over to Nathan's house. The three of us watched Nicklodean for a few hours before walking to Hy-Vee, the grocery store. Well, we weren't actually watching TV the whole time, but we were in the living room and the TV was on. It amazes me how we never run out of things to talk about. ANYWAY... Tara and I linked arms, and Nathan and I held hands as we walked to the store. Just as we got there, Tara's mom pulled up in her car... so she at least suspects about Nathan and I *coughs*
I wouldn't care if she knew, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder what she thinks. Ever since one incident when I first met Nathan (it wasn't written about here) I have been nervous around Mr. Riley.
Nathan walked us back to the house, and we stopped in the park to swing for a bit before we got there. We spent the rest of the night at Tara's house, talking, playing games, and watching movies. I also had the best valentines day card in the world to read.
Let me clarify, we spent most of it at her house, but an hour long chunk was spent chasing her stupid dog around the neighborhood. We also saw Nathan briefly, as he was hanging out at a house down the street...
Sunday was church, lunch, and packing. We stopped by Nathan's to say goodbye and he let us take his playstation back with us! *sniffles* And then we came back to school... the end!