Sunday, February 22, 2004

If we keep on singing, God will keep on swinging!

Today I went to a church with a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. It wasn't rotating or anything, but it was HUGE! Tara tried to steal the offering bucket from me, but I snatched it back! Must put first time visitor cards inside, or something bad will happen. They sang about five songs, a few were hymns and a few were songs we used to sing a Camp Kulaqua. The service was held in a giant theater in Branson, but it wasn't church IN a theater, the theater was the church! Hobby Lobby (its like Michaels) bought it and gave it to the AG, who in turn gave it to a church. They changed one of the snack bars into a nursery, and I swear it looked like people were walking up to the counters and buying babies. The kids church meets in the old gift shop, complete with display windows, again giving the impression that one might be able to purchase a child if one were so inclined. The singing started when the curtain was raised, and the preacher/worship leader walked out wearing a Brittany Spears-esque ear monitor/microphone thingie. Although very strange to my more traditional point of view, it was also oddly appropriate, being Branson and all. Most of the women in the worship team (they called it a choir, but it was nine people with microphones) wore sequined shirts! The singing went on for a bit (much longer than five songs ought to take) and then the preacher talked about how women in "the old days" used to wear their hair up in huge hair-dos, and he knew praise and worship was really going when their hair started to fall down. He said the goal of a service was to "shoot the hair down" and that praise and worship can "free you from bundage". He also informed us that the ugliness of a person is directly proportionate to the greater degree of holiness. In other words, the uglier you are the more you love God. Turns out he is a Dallas Cowboys fan... go figure. Gotta be some kind of heresy. He also believes that clapping in worship antagonizes the devil, and that is what is meant in Lamentations 2:5 and Romans 16:20. *blinks* Look it up and decide for yourself... He also said God wanted us to analiyate the devil. I think he meant annihilate. He made a member of the congregation bring him a chair, and then he asked the man to remove his belt and allow the preacher to use it... and the guy did! He scampered off the stage holding his pants up with one hand... And the preacher used it to beat the back of the chair. He said that this was what God did to Satan when we sang, clapped, and shouted in worship, and that "if we keep on singing, God will keep on swinging!"

Some other memorable moments:
He told us that if hadn't been a preacher, he would have been a sumo wrestler, and he would have a reason to walk around in nothing but a giant diaper. He also asked if we know what enmity is, because that is what Satan has with us, and we need to understand that. He is really really big into clapping, a lot, and hollering at the band. *grins*

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