Saturday, January 31, 2004

A Vow of Silence

I have managed, in the last two hours, to speak less than ten words... and not for lack of opportunity. I don't even want to talk online because all I do is make other people feel worse. Its strange to cry when no one knows, trying to pretend you are fine. But I can't speak anymore, because I won't let my words hurt anyone. I don't want to be the one who always hurts people, or makes them sad. I don't want... to be. You know, I think for the first time last night I really understood Hamlet's soliliquy.

To die, to sleep -
No more - and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die - to sleep -
To sleep - perchance to Dream. Ay, there's the rub.

I'm sorry.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Its been awhile

I just realized how long it has been since my last post... you know, if I keep this up, I'll lose all of my faithful Too late, maybe?

Anyway... I have a lot of reading that I have been trying to keep up with, with a small measure of success. I think I've finally begun to realize what a huge effort five history classes is going to require... I have four research papers, none of which I have chosen a definitive topic for. I also have three book reviews, and I have actually settled on a book for one of them: Common Sense by Thomas Paine. And then there are the ten, single-space one-page commentaries on essays in our book... I did one of them, but I have unfortunately been sick the last few days. Well, I usually wake up without an alarm, but not when I am sick like this... and somehow my alarm clock became unplugged and I missed my first class this morning. I missed the same class on Monday because I was throwing up (in case you wanted to know) and this is really quite frustrating to me. At least I haven't missed anything else... Well, the first essay I did I had to turn in today, and only today will it be accepted... so I guess that technically means I will have to write eleven commentaries. Yeep.

Lessee, my financial registration and everything went well. I didn't have any problems this semester, thank the Lord for firsts. We've had some really good chapels already this semester, and it is my hope that God will really move on this campus this semester. Tara and I have turned out to be perfectly fine roomates (thats for all you skeptics who say best friends should never live together), and I know that I probably get on her nerves sometimes, but honestly things are working out well.

Speaking of roomates, my first roomate, Bethany, and her roomate/best friend Jessica just up and left school at the beginning of this semester, and no one knows why. And although they both left, they didn't go to the same place. Its a little confusing, and sad, because they were two people I actually liked and got to hang out with some on my floor. We don't have a lot of unity, and it makes me a little bit jealous of my sister Bekah's school (I spelled it right, look look!). And as for Tara, well, she hasn't missed a class, chapel, or assignment yet this semester, and she has all her registratioin done so... she gets to stay! I am so thankful that her parents relented and are helping her out with her tuition after all. My parents were going to try and help me out, as far as my emotional/mental state would have been had she left, but it still would have been hard. Oh, have I mentioned lately how cool my parents are, and how lucky I am?

Nathan and I talk on the phone pretty much every night and/afternoon, or at the very least, online. I've also talked to his friend Dewey (at whose house he uses the internet), who can play a mean game of yahoo chess. I miss him a whole lot, and I think he is going to try and come down here sometime this semester, hopefully for Jr/Sr banquet (that would be SO cool!) Its really weird to tell people that I have a boyfriend, but at least it makes it more comfortable for the guys around here that I talk to. Poor single guys, at Evangel, all they are is bait. Single Girl talks to Single Guy, the Rumour Mill starts running, they are engaged by the end of the week... naturally, this make Single Guy very hesitant to be seen talking to Single Girl. I solved this problem but not being Single Girl anymore, and now I can talk to guys without them being scared that I am trying to score myself some arm candy *grins* (Yes, I know that term is technically supposed to be used by guys, but I DON"T CARE) Back to Nathan: He is incredibly sweet, and I hate embarrassing him, but I am so lucky. He respects me, and likes me for more than just my brains.(Isn't it so sad that I say that? *sighs*) He is one of the few people that has the ability to convince me that I am a person worth something to anyone else. *grins* But enough about that, I'm sure you are all just disgusted by my obvious adoration of some guy most of you don't know...

What else? When I was at home, we switch my parents' and brothers' bedrooms. I hear that the job has been completed. Josiah turned 8 on the 18, Lizzy turned 12 on the 22 (isn't that cute? and one day, in the same year, Josiah will turn 18 on the 18, and Lizzy 22 on the 22) Sarah is driving her car again (please watch out for those flies, people), Rebekah is at school at Asbury, and as for the rest I really don't know. The Farley Homeschool might close next year, it is rumoured. And that about it, I guess. Any questions? Comments? Well, if you ask them, I'll answer next time around!

Peace and love to ya!

Friday, January 09, 2004

Where do I begin?

I don't even understand myself, or my life, lately. Its this crazy ride, and I don't know where I am going or where I am going to end up. I know that God is guiding me, though, or I would be a complete wreck. My sister was commenting last night that we should feel lucky because our lives are so much better than other people's, but I don't think that is a fair comparison. The bible says that God will never give us more than we can bear, and so maybe things aren't 'worse' for anyone. I know that I couldn't deal with certain things, but maybe there is something in my life that someone else would see and be like 'oh man, I can't imagine how hard that must be.'

At the same time, I know that I have been incredibly blessed by God. My parents are awesome people, and every family goes through a hard time, right? Anyway, my parents have beaten every odd that says they should have been divorced a long time ago, and I know that I am fortunate in this. This morning I was reminded of our last Lewis Hall Devos, and what it was that Cullen said to me. At the time, it only seemed to make moderate sense, but now... well, it was almost prophetic. He walked up to me and said, "Hey, [person that I am], God wanted me to tell you not to worry about your families problems, its in His hands and He is going to take care of it." That was all. I had been thinking about my family at that time, but it still didn't quite make sense to me.

I know my thoughts are all jumbled and confused sounding today, but I don't really know what to say. Its just so hard to explain everything, and how hard it has been.

On a completely random and separate note, Nathan and I have been dating for a month today *winks*

Friday, January 02, 2004

Little Changes

Its not that I have to say this all the time, but I am going to anyway. I miss Tara. I love being at home with my family, but I get so lonely and bored here. I hear something, or think of something and I wish I could tell Tara, and I can't. The phone, well, it just isn't the same. Phone calls only make me miss her more. The same goes for Nathan, and I am not going to be silly about admitting it. I do miss him. What is up with that?

So, I have added the ability to post comments at the bottom of each post... feel free to do utilize this convenient and fun addition at anytime!