I am so confused by this. I look at people's names on MSN, and everyone is talking about killing themselves, killing someone else, or else making their name into something I don't understand. Me, I like to go with the classic Elton John song, or something in Spanish that reflects the fact that I miss certain people. Anyway, its a new year people, so lets all work on happiness!
Okay, honestly, I have shed my share of tears in the last few days, but Tara is the only one who really knew that. Its just that I get so lonely around here sometimes, and the only thing I have to do is find some sort of technology to cure my boredom. I have been playing Legend of Zelda, watching TV, or getting online since I got home. To top it all off, I have had a constant headache the whole time, which occasionally progresses into a migraine. I have started cleaning things around the house to help, although my mom has given me errands to run just so I have a reason to get out. She also takes me out occasionally so I don't get TOO cooped up, and that is really nice.
I have to go back to school in only twelve days, simply for the fact that if I don't go back, I won't get any classes I want. I sort of neglected to register for classes, afraid that I wouldn't want to come back. Registration time came around right in the middle of my really bad time last semester, right when I started taking my medicine. I also need to financially register, get a new student ID (I lost mine on the LAST day of class!), buy my books, get a fish, and generally settle in for the new semester. I am going to work really hard to do well, and make up for my crappy last semester. I am sure my adviser was just THRILLED that I didn't do well in his class. Actually, I did really well, as in I got A's on all the tests, but I kind of didn't turn in a paper, and so, well.... yeah, I did badly. I am going to retake that class ASAP, but it isn't offered next semester. Bah! That is the bad thing about Evangel. I realized that I have never taken a class pass/fail, and if they have the option to take any classes that way here, I am going to try it with my Spanish classes. I have to take two more for my minor, and I am dreading it. I never really felt like I learned as much Spanish as I was supposed to, for all that I have done really well in my classes. That is this summer, though, so I am not going to worry about it too much.
My life has been narrowed a lot in the last year. My 'group' has become much, much smaller (group meaning the people that I hang out with on a regular basis) My online 'group' is bigger than my RL one, but both are a lot smaller than they used to be. Actually, in many ways, this year has seen a lot of change for me, not just in friends.
I went to Evangel a year ago on the fifth. It had been my dream for three, four years to go, and when the time came, I was scared. Terrified. I didn't want to leave my easy life here, where my responsibilities were so easy to shirk and I could just skate through life, avoiding the consequences of whatever bad decisions I made. I got to Evangel, and believe you me, it was a bad thing in my mind. (for a quick reference,
I met Nathan for the first time in September, six weeks before Halloween. (And yes, that is how I keep track of it. Tara and I got our lovely ear piercings right before we went to Tarkio, and she could change her earrings for the first time on Halloween, six weeks later.) I tried to stay motivated, but I let my depression and my fear overwhelm me, and I fell into a pit that took most of the semester to get out of. I think I have made it out, though, with God's, my family's, and my friends' help (in that order).
I also think I have become, through all of this, more confident in who I am. In spite of being depressed, there is an underlying, I don't know, peace in me. And more ability to trust God, although I know I am not there yet. I have been confused, scared... but God has taken care of me in all of this. Knowing that, and being able to trust Him more than I used to has given me more confidence. Its like, if God thinks I am good enough, than I can live in that knowledge more easily than if I try to convince myself to think that I am good enough. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but then, a lot of this hasn't made sense. *smiles*
So, it is the end of a tumultuous year, and a fresh new beginning. Its like a book that hasn't been written yet, and this year I really think the pages are going to reflect a better me. Because I hope that I have grown and learned, and that the mistakes that I make will be ones that I can overcome. I am so glad that every single one of you who reads this will be along for the ride. Se amo!