Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Yes, it IS that time again!

Well, ladies and germs, I am posting a post once again! Yes, that's right, another little update from the life of the Kentucky Fried Jello! You will know its time to turn the page when you hear a sound like this: *bling-ring-sound-thing* Let's begin now.

What is WITH everybody being depressed of late?

I am so confused by this. I look at people's names on MSN, and everyone is talking about killing themselves, killing someone else, or else making their name into something I don't understand. Me, I like to go with the classic Elton John song, or something in Spanish that reflects the fact that I miss certain people. Anyway, its a new year people, so lets all work on happiness!
Okay, honestly, I have shed my share of tears in the last few days, but Tara is the only one who really knew that. Its just that I get so lonely around here sometimes, and the only thing I have to do is find some sort of technology to cure my boredom. I have been playing Legend of Zelda, watching TV, or getting online since I got home. To top it all off, I have had a constant headache the whole time, which occasionally progresses into a migraine. I have started cleaning things around the house to help, although my mom has given me errands to run just so I have a reason to get out. She also takes me out occasionally so I don't get TOO cooped up, and that is really nice.


I have to go back to school in only twelve days, simply for the fact that if I don't go back, I won't get any classes I want. I sort of neglected to register for classes, afraid that I wouldn't want to come back. Registration time came around right in the middle of my really bad time last semester, right when I started taking my medicine. I also need to financially register, get a new student ID (I lost mine on the LAST day of class!), buy my books, get a fish, and generally settle in for the new semester. I am going to work really hard to do well, and make up for my crappy last semester. I am sure my adviser was just THRILLED that I didn't do well in his class. Actually, I did really well, as in I got A's on all the tests, but I kind of didn't turn in a paper, and so, well.... yeah, I did badly. I am going to retake that class ASAP, but it isn't offered next semester. Bah! That is the bad thing about Evangel. I realized that I have never taken a class pass/fail, and if they have the option to take any classes that way here, I am going to try it with my Spanish classes. I have to take two more for my minor, and I am dreading it. I never really felt like I learned as much Spanish as I was supposed to, for all that I have done really well in my classes. That is this summer, though, so I am not going to worry about it too much.


My life has been narrowed a lot in the last year. My 'group' has become much, much smaller (group meaning the people that I hang out with on a regular basis) My online 'group' is bigger than my RL one, but both are a lot smaller than they used to be. Actually, in many ways, this year has seen a lot of change for me, not just in friends.
I went to Evangel a year ago on the fifth. It had been my dream for three, four years to go, and when the time came, I was scared. Terrified. I didn't want to leave my easy life here, where my responsibilities were so easy to shirk and I could just skate through life, avoiding the consequences of whatever bad decisions I made. I got to Evangel, and believe you me, it was a bad thing in my mind. (for a quick reference,
  • Archives of the Exile
  • ) some things happened back at home, and there at Evangel, that made my transition time more difficult. Money didn't come when it was supposed to, I had roommate problems, wasn't making friends... and the things that happened in Lexington were also difficult for me. I made it through the semester, though, and right at the end I met Erika and Tara. Well, I met Erika much sooner than that, as we had a class together, but we became friends at the end of the semester. Tara and I talked a lot over the summer, and because of that, ended up becoming very good friends. Best friends, in fact. This summer was also the first time I talked to Nathan, albeit online, and only to give him messages from Tara. It seems like a long time ago now, with last semester between it. This blog has a pretty accurate chronicle of this year, from optimism to the very bottom of depression..........
    I met Nathan for the first time in September, six weeks before Halloween. (And yes, that is how I keep track of it. Tara and I got our lovely ear piercings right before we went to Tarkio, and she could change her earrings for the first time on Halloween, six weeks later.) I tried to stay motivated, but I let my depression and my fear overwhelm me, and I fell into a pit that took most of the semester to get out of. I think I have made it out, though, with God's, my family's, and my friends' help (in that order).
    I also think I have become, through all of this, more confident in who I am. In spite of being depressed, there is an underlying, I don't know, peace in me. And more ability to trust God, although I know I am not there yet. I have been confused, scared... but God has taken care of me in all of this. Knowing that, and being able to trust Him more than I used to has given me more confidence. Its like, if God thinks I am good enough, than I can live in that knowledge more easily than if I try to convince myself to think that I am good enough. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but then, a lot of this hasn't made sense. *smiles*

    Alpha and Omega

    So, it is the end of a tumultuous year, and a fresh new beginning. Its like a book that hasn't been written yet, and this year I really think the pages are going to reflect a better me. Because I hope that I have grown and learned, and that the mistakes that I make will be ones that I can overcome. I am so glad that every single one of you who reads this will be along for the ride. Se amo!

    Friday, December 26, 2003

    You are DORY!
    What Finding Nemo Character are You?

    brought to you by Quizilla
    Here I Come Again

    So, this is my life. I am at home, life is cool. And, as per an official annoucement, I have a boyfriend. I couldn't say anything on here before because I wanted to talk to my parents about it first. Having completed this task, I am free to announce it to the world. *grins* December ninth, 2003. A day that will live in infamy. Not as infamous as December Twelfth, 1942, but still. His name is *gasp* Nathan Riley. *shock and amaze* Yeah, I know that may seem hard to believe, given how much I obviously despise him... *points to previous posts that prove the sarcasm contained in that last statement* Anyway, this is an incredible experience for me, because he is not only someone I care about as a good friend, but now also someone I care VERY much about as... boyfriend sounds so cheesy here. Whatever. *grins again* I can just say that I am incredibly happy, lucky, ecstatic... to quote my brother Charles, "You know its true... the movies don't lie." Sometime I might get around to putting the whole story up here, but if you want to know, I figure you'll ask. Its funny, kind of, and sweet. Did I tell you Nathan is the sweetest guy in the world? He is. And although I miss him terribly right now, even talking to him online brightens up my day. *huggles* Love ya'll, if there are any "ya'll" out there.

    Saturday, December 20, 2003

    Okay, so I got this e-mail a minute ago, and I can so relate to most of it! Three years in college, and this is what I've learned so far... *snickers*

    1. Quarters are gold.
    2. Two meals per day is the standard.
    3. Road trip whenever possible.
    4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
    5. You will begin to nap again.
    6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
    7. Squirt guns = Stress relief.
    8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction.
    9. E-mail becomes your second language
    10. College students throw paper airplanes too.
    11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you.
    12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.
    13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldn't know, but you can recite last week's re-run of The 70's Show verbatim.
    14. Cartoons are for all ages.
    15. Disney movies are more than just classics.
    16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life.
    17. No one is too old for video games.
    18. Procrastination is an art form.
    19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot.
    20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again.
    21. It never hurt so much to get sick.
    22. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital. Never, don't ever forget that.
    23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
    24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation.
    25. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
    26. Classes... the later the better.
    27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you.
    28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
    29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty.
    30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important.
    31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
    32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY...
    33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!!
    34. If it's snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food.
    35. Dishes smell after days of piling up.
    36. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
    37. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
    38. You will eat anything that is free.
    39. New additions to food groups: pitapit and pizza. (and Falafel Hut!)
    40. Stealing from the dining hall will become second nature.
    41. ATM's are the devils advocate. ATM= another Twenty Missing.
    42. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them or lock yourself out of the room even more.
    43. Duct tape heals all wounds.
    44. If they say you can't have it in your dorm, they are just kidding.
    45. You will come to hate hallways/elevators with a passion. (STAIRS ARE THE DEVIL)
    46. Those ugly cinderblocks are not sound proof.
    47. Pictures, posters, emails or anything else to cover the ugly cell we live in will be transformed into wallpaper.
    48. Everyone is only nice for the first week. After that, no matter how nice you are, some people just won't smile back. Get used to it.
    49. You are never alone!
    50. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes

    10. You cry for your mother.
    9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
    8. Snack time is a necessity.
    7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do
    6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
    5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
    4. You wear big mittens.
    3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
    2. You take naps.
    1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

    1. You actually like doing laundry at home.
    2. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
    3. You'd rather clean than study.
    4. Oh man how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
    5. Mom's Meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
    6.Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
    7. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
    8. You know the pizza boy by name.
    9.You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
    10. You live for getting mail.
    11. Looking out the
    window is a form of entertainment.
    12. Prank phone calls become funny again.
    13. You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
    14. Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
    15. Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
    16. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.
    My answers to the greatest quiz in the world

    1. Brenda the haunted illuminist

    2. Pepsi... they are taking over the world!

    3. Turn narc, for sure. Who would ever want to flout 'the man' like that?

    4. Ferrets... Stinky and Bob

    5. What is the most annoying thing about me?

    6. Everything!

    7. Porque Cristo y los angeles hablan espanol!

    8. Because they're the bestest!

    9. The inventor of reality TV

    10. Yes, because I wrote the question, but I AM NOT OBSESSED!! ITS ALL HEATHERS FAULT!!!

    11. Blush and stammar

    12. They know who they are....

    13. This survey

    15. I was so tired when I wrote this...

    slowly, when the air is dusty, those ones! *points*, colgate, carlos o kelly's

    no, yes, no, um.. no *bzzt*, made someone else, my mom wouldn't ever by us one, nope, i wish, not since i was a baby

    Sunday, December 14, 2003

    I had a dream that I was standing in a hallway. In front of me was a huge sheet of white paper. I gazed down at the pure expanse, and I started to think of just what I wanted to do with it. Where I would put the first mark, what it would look like. What would I use, a pen, pencil, crayon, marker? But the wind was blowing, and I had to keep running around the paper, trying to keep it from blowing away, or folding over and rendering it imperfect. Despite all my hard work to keep it spotless until I was ready to start, someone came into the hallway. They grabbed an orange crayon and started drawing little pictures... like those of a small child. And other people came in, and everyone wanted to draw on my paper. After getting mad for awhile and joined in, drawing recklessly. In the end, the paper was crumpled and torn, a mish mash of colours and pictures, doodles... and it didn't mean a thing.

    True story, that.

    Thursday, December 11, 2003

    The Worlds Greatest Survey Ever

    Please forward this to five hundred people so they will hate you. If you don't, you will be doomed to a life of love and happiness, because your friends will... not... hate you... for forwarding... something... to all five hundred of them.

    1: Imagine you were being pursued by the Russian Mafia, and had to enter the Witness Protection Program. You have to change your name, and you can change it to anything you want. What would you call yourself?

    2: If you could order the assassination of the CEO of EITHER Pepsi or Coke, who would you choose?

    3: Say you could be involved in an underground newspaper at your school, and that you could get kicked out if caught. Would you participate in practicing your freedom of speech in a sudden bout of civil disobedience... or would you chicken out and turn narc?

    4: What pets would you never want to have, and what would you name them?

    5: If you could ask any question of your friends and know that it would have to be answered honestly, what would it be?

    6: How would YOU answer the question that you want to ask your friends?

    7: Porque es espanol la lengua del cielo? (un hint: porque Dios hablo espanol!!!)

    8: Why is your best friend your best friend?

    9: If you could assassinate anyone in the world who isn't President George W. Bush, who would it be and why?

    10: Do you know whom Trista Rehn, Simon Cowle, or Kelly Clarkson is? If so... WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH REALITY TV?!? *Deep Cleansing Breath*

    11: Does the idea of kissing a certain someone make you all giddy and excited, make you blush and stammer, disgust and revolt you, or do you think its wrong to even think the word kissing?

    12: Did you enjoy answering that question too much?

    13: Who were you thinking about when you answered it?

    14: What would happen if you stayed up for more than 24 hours with nothing but a cup of coffee to keep you awake?

    15: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose. Discuss.

    What is your favorite:

    Way to pick you nose?

    Time to sneeze?

    Pair of underwear?

    Brand of toothpaste?

    Restaurant to make fun of?

    Have you ever:

    Plucked a rooster?

    Thrown your mashed potatoes up against a wall?

    Kissed a chipmunk?

    Licked a spark plug?

    Sniffed a stink bug?

    Painted daisies on a big red rubber ball?

    Bathed in yogurt?

    Looked good in leggings?

    Been to Boston in the Fall?

    Monday, December 08, 2003

    I suppose that some of you might have noticed my lack of online presence lately? No? Oh well. I figured you hadn't, otherwise you would have been worried and e-mailed me. And since THAT hasn't happened... *grins*

    I had my historiography final today.... realized that I haven't been signing the role sheet as much as I've been there. Dr Hall thought I missed a whole bunch of classes, and in fact this is one of the classes I haven't missed much. That said, I think I did okay. It was an hour long, and it was at 8:30 in the morning, and I had only had three hours of sleep. So maybe my judgement on it isn't as good as it could be. OH! And I actually finished a paper! Yes folks, I really did, and turned it in, too! Be grateful for the small things... Unfortunately I had to write it in the middle of last night, so its probably crap. I have had a migraine since Thursday (am in fact still having it) and so I couldn't get myself to actually go about writing it. But I slept a lot yesterday, rested, and finally got to the point around 2AM where I could do it.. and I did. I feel like a real person for the first time this semester.

    Can I just say that I like writing when I actually know what I am writing about? I have had a lot of fear and insecurity this semester, and I think that might be part of my problem. So, anyway, I went through my whole writing process last night and this morning. Laboring over the intro. Adding to it and deleting as I get ideas. Writing a paragraph, and then another, and then rearranging all the sentences. Like its some sort of puzzle that I can solve if I get just the right combination of words... like my idea exists out there somewhere and my job is to catch it and trap it on paper. Quite a thrill, actually, even when I do a crappy job. You know what? I am going to post my paper! Thats right, I am!

    So here it is folks, in all its glory. Just over three pages long... my paper! (double-space, calm down!)

    What is History?

    History in the simplest definition of the word is merely anything that happened in the past, but without the past we wouldn’t have a present… or a future. More than a collection of dates and facts, history is a living part the human psyche. It is intertwined in every facet of life, influencing every decision great or small. Winston Churchill said, “Those who do not learn from the past are destined to repeat it.” I believe this to be true. No one can live entirely in the present. There would never be learning or change. Civilizations, nations, individuals; all have their own unique history that molds and forms them into something distinct. Whether they flourish or falter often depends on the lessons they have taken from their forbears… or even from their own mistakes.
    >Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote that the “lives of great men all remind us/ we can make our lives sublime/ and departing leave behind us/ footprints in the sands of time.” Everything affects everything else. Or perhaps anything can affect everything. When the Columbus set out for India, he certainly did not foresee that his exploration would lead to the discovery of the New World. The society that we take for granted may not ever have come into being were it not for the tenacity that caused one man to risk a dangerous voyage. What happened in his life that gave him the fortitude to continue seeking support for a cause that so many had already scorned?
    We can muse for hours on what caused the fall of the Roman Empire, but unless we can take lessons from their mistakes, what good will it have? Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of physics states that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” In history, even the most unimportant moments can set off a grand chain of events. Because we cannot live merely in the present, and must reflect sometimes on our past, we cannot ignore the influence that it has on us. Beyond merely being interesting, observing history can also assist us in preparing for the future.
    Perhaps one of the most fascinating facets of history is that nothing is precisely what it seems. Two men can see the same event and describe it in completely different ways. Each can relate it to two men who all view it in a differently. They all take the same facts and create from them a different opinion. Perhaps one person will take from it a lesson that they will carry with them through out their whole life, changing the way they think and act. The other may not ever think of it again, even in passing. Although history may record that something took place, can it ever truly be ‘exactly’ what happened?
    History must be more than just a collection of dates of events in the past. To state that “in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue” does not really tell anyone anything… except that it happened. Causes and consequences are also part of it. These are also the things that tend to be viewed with a certain amount of bias. Perhaps a completely ‘true’ history would be a completely unbiased look at the past, but this is probably not possible. Who can say that they have an unbiased view? So history then is the past, viewed from the eyes of an individual, including the causes and consequences of any grand scheme.
    Some say that history is an endless cycle, doomed to be repeated until the end of time. Many of these believe that there are inevitable patterns that make it possible to predict the outcome of any event now. For thousands of years historians have observed patterns in societies, in the rise and fall of governments, in the success of civilizations. Polybius wrote his “Regular Cycle of Constitutional Revolutions” during the rise of the Roman Empire . This view leaves out the possibility that man can learn from the past and eventually not make the same mistakes again.
    There are others who say that the progress of the world is chaotic and that all things happen completely by chance. They believe that nothing truly affects anything else, and that nothing can be predicted by looking at the past. Still others argue that history is pursuing a particular course leading to a specific destination, be it ‘nirvana’ or the eternal Reign of Christ. This last view seems to fit best with Christian worldview, granting the possibility that human nature does tend to cause certain events to be repeated. That is to say, although there are patterns in history, people have the power to change them through the choices they make.
    History is not only things that have happened in the past. It is the story of humanity, told from the point of view of the people who lived it. It shapes countries and individuals. It provides knowledge for those who seek, lessons to those in danger of making a common mistake. For those who wish to understand themselves, history can provide a mirror for them to observe their own past. For those who desire a clearer understanding of their world, it reflects the deeds and misdeeds of every civilization that have gone before. Even those who despise history as boring or unnecessary would agree that they have learned and changed because of circumstances in their own past. Not only a depository for ancient battles and vanished civilizations, history is alive for those who yearn to become the best person they can be.

    Saturday, December 06, 2003

    My life is like an endless cycle... I get depressed. I don't eat when I am depressed, so I either get sick or get headaches. Take today for example... Migraine headache, no food. Then I get more emotional, and more depressed because I can barely see straight. Instead of taking it easy, I continue to attempt my usual tasks, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Anyway, then I refuse to eat at all, until its so convenient for me to eat that I can't refuse. As in, I am in the joust anyway, or I know that I have something in my room. Today, I have a million and one reasons why I can't... and so I won't. I know that I won't, and I don't really want to. (Hey, this is an honest look at me, and these are my honest thoughts. I am not sane enough to make it sound like I'm normal.) I guess thats why I can be so pushy or bossy sometimes. I don't want people to be like me, so I won't let them have my excuses. I like to think that I try to help people as much as can, and don't just try to tell them what to do. So here I am, no solution in sight. See, there are limited mealtimes on campus here during the weekends, and you can't use your card in the joust... and I have no money. I have no choice but to not eat, but that suits me. I don't even know why I am writing this anymore... *sighs*

    Friday, December 05, 2003

    *blinks* Where oh where to begin? So much and yet so little to say. Its funny, I only post when I have something I really really want to say, but most of the time I leave it up to y'all to read between the lines to figure it out. So here goes my first post since before Thanksgiving...

    I went home for Thanksgiving. Of course I couldn't post that on here, because the goal was to surprise my family... but then my mom just HAD to call... and I can't lie! Not to direct questions, I most certainly can't. She called me just as I was getting out of St Louis, that EVIL city. I HATE St Louis! Its... its... *faints*
    *recovers* Anyway, so after getting through that evil city during rush hour the day before Thanksgiving, I finally made it home... it was about 11 there, which was only about 10 to me, so it wasn't too bad. Its kind of weird losing an entire hour for a few days, and then suddenly getting it back. Sort of.

    We had Thanksgiving in our living room with my mom and dad, grandmother, Aaron and Nikki (my older cousin and his girlfriend), Sarah and Michael, Rebekah, Charles and Michelle, Sam, Elizabeth, Josiah, My uncle Beau and his friend Charlie *blinks*, and of course, me. And my grandmother's dog Ugl... Scooter. Now, for those of you who have never seen my house, its tiny. Itty bitty. NOT BIG. We put the TV in my brothers' room and pulled out their bed (a futon) and set it up in the living room. So seating arrangements were pretty informal. There were three couches, two rocking chairs, and other random chair that were pulled out from around the house. We set up the food buffet style (there was just no other way with that many people!). We even used some really old table clothes that were once my great-grandmothers to make the table look pretty. We used my mom's good plates (not her best china, too risky) and real silver. So, although it was a little unorthodox, it was great fun. It was kind of weird, though, being home. You get used to being in a certain environment, like a dorm, and then going back home and its so different. And with it being a later time zone, I was always the last to go to bed. I mean, I stay up pretty late here anyway, but add an extra hour to that... Anyway, I was there from Wednesday night until Saturday morning. I got back to school around four (CST) and hung out with Erika for the rest of the day... and on into the night. We went out and took pictures of each other around Springfield until 4:30 in the morning. *coughs*

    Now why, you may ask, would I want to do such a crazy thing like that? First of all... DUH! I am a college student. We do stuff like that... can't do it once we get old and tired, you know. Secondly, I cut my hair. And dyed it blond... and some people requested pictures. Erika and I didn't have anything better to do, both having napped in the afternoon, so we just decided to go out an be silly. The result?

    Yes, I know that it is a crappy picture. Yes, I know I have red eye... that isn't the point!!! The point is that I took a picture of me with short blond hair. With my really cute new jacket that my grandmother gave me *smooches* You should see some of ERIKAS pictures! *coughs* Think Fiona... in Shrek... at the end... when they are doing karaoke... If you don't get it, thats okay, I don't want to corrupt you.

    Bah... I have class. Okay, real quick, last night...

    We had Lewis Hall Devos... devotions... usually just individual floors do it, but this was one all together. Anyway, Tara and I had the choice to go to that, or to Higgins (don't know why its called that), a Christmas party hosted by the guys of K2S (Krause 2nd south, Krause is the guys dorm where all the crazy, typical college guys live. Scott is where the musicians, honor students, and weird guys live...) Tara and I almost didn't go, but at the last minute decided to go to Devos...we were, in fact, about ten minutes late. Which is sad, because we only had to walk about 10 seconds to be there. ANYWAY. So, our hall worship team leader is named Cullen Reed... a friend of mine, but not one that I talk to about any of my problems, at all. After devos were just about over, they decided to sing one more worship song, which ended up leading into a really intense time of worship. To make a long sotry short, Cullen sent someone to find me at the back of the room, and making sure that everyone else kept singing, grabbed one of his worship team members and came down to talk to me.... he said that God had given him a word for my life, and told me, and I just blinked. There was no WAY he could have known. And then he went back, and the girl kept praying for me... and then our DA came over. Shes the girl in charge of Devos in our hall, all of them. And they prayed for me, and I don't know wither of them, but the stuff they prayed was really specific. And right on... and they couldn't have known. Not even Tara knew some of that stuff, and what she does know she would never tell! All I can say is, I cried for a long long time. Yeah, God is still there, and He is still taking care of me. You can doubt all you want, but there is NO WAY they could have known... no way anyone but the Holy Spirit could have led those girls to pary the way they did, or Cullen to say what he said to me. Even when I doubt, God is still faithful... and He still works miricles in our lives.

    Okay, gonna be late now, but I had to post this! Byea!