Tuesday, November 25, 2003

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend todo everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving!
Wow. I feel so weird. Life is crazy...

I am going to have a horrible GPA this semester. I worked my normal shift at work last week, but unfortuantely, one of my patrol guys didn't show up, and my supervisor didn't let me take my break... and so I worked eight straight hours. And that just screwed me up so bad, and I slept thrpugh both of my classes... and missed a test. *sighs* And I can't make it up, cuase its not an excused absence... so that class is gone. Dang. I am going to pass the few classes I have left... I have never failed or dropped a class before! Never! ANd now I have dropped two and failed one.. only nine hours this semester. *sighs* Out of fifteen. But you know what? I can't let it depress me, bnecause I can't change anything, and I know it. So I am not going to let it hurt, not anymore. I am just going to live with the consequences, and do better from now on. I think I may have brought my grade in military history back up, just by talking to my teacher and not missing any classes for two weeks now. And historiography, well, I have until the end of the semester to fix that grade. World Civ... I'm going to pass it, thats about it. Hopefully with a c or better. I am going to get an A in voice, and probably in weight training. Thats all I have now, just five classes. Bah...

Other news *thinks* Nothing I want to share with the world at large yet *grins and giggles* Oh, a few of you know, and that is how it is going to stay!!! So, no telling... *thinks some more* I am sitting in Tara;s room typing this, its kind of fun to be able to just go in someones room and chill with them. I have the bestest best friend ever. Y'all don't know. And also, having had to listen to several recordings of my voice of late, I have come to this conclusion: I hate my accent. Hate... its not even a cool accent! Just annoying. I pronounce my vcowels weird... and I can't even hear it when I talk. Just when I listen to my voice... that is so weird that the sounds in my head don't come out the same way in my voice (i just had to erase and rewrite that cuase i closed my eyes while I was typing, and accidently hit the caps key instead of a.) Well, its getting late (early) so... ttyl!

Monday, November 24, 2003

Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree --
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most contantly?
The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who wil call the wild-briar fair?
Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He may still leave thy garland green.

~~Emily Brontë ~~


What is this, you say? Happy poetry? No!! *grins* But in spite of my see-sawing moods, I am still, at heart, a person who can be happy and can love and... have not bad things in their life. Did that even make sense? I don't know... but at any rate, I need to be positive. I can't stand to not be anymore.

Sometimes I think that sadness is like a cold, deep pool. It hurts so badly at first, but then after awhile you start to grow numb. You know that you are hurting. Every part of you is screaming to get out, to save yourself. So afraid of feeling, of risking hurt again you swim firther out to the middle. Its only when you can't swim anymore, when you feel yourself slipping under the water, when you try to take a breath and your nose and mouth fill with water that you want to live. You realize that you don't want to die, that somehow life has to be worth it. And by the grace of God, I've have been saved from that yet again.

I don't know what else to say right now... I am content to live.

Monday, November 17, 2003

I don't have any poetry today *smiles slightly* Classes are going a little bit better, I haven't been skipping at least. We actually had a good discussion in historiography, and it gave me happiness muchly. Dr. Hall actually blinked at me and said I had a really good point... twice! And this was after I had been criticized by this guy who said I was wrong. It was greatness... we also has a good discussion in Military History. Lessee... did I ever say that iI found my celly? Yeah, it was in my car! Don't know how it got there... but there it was. My mommy and daddy and grandmother are helping me fix my screwy life... and I get to go home for thanksgiving!!!

Things aren't perfect, and I am still fighting this depression thing, but I wanted to put something positive on here. Its been awhile... love you!

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

My mom is awesome. I love her so much! My dad is awesome, too, but he doesn't e-mail me. I love them both. And my whole family!

Monday, November 03, 2003

Silence
I want to find a place as quiet as a mountain top
As lonely as the deepest part of the sea
Where I can rest
Alone
With no more pain
And no more worry
Where I can't make a mistake
And no one will ever hurt me
Again


Wow, I wrote a poem. Why is it that my depressing poems always suck? I really want to end now. I feel at the end of my rope.

I'm so not important, always at the back of the line, the bottom of the fish pond. Never special. I can't fix anything, not even for myself, and I only contribute sadness to the people around me. I wish I knew what it felt like to make the world a better place.

My head hurts now, farewell...

Sunday, November 02, 2003

I feel lonely and alone. Like things just aren't worth trying anymore. Like I can never be of enough worth to anyone else. Like I am always at the bottom looking up. Wishing, always wishing. I hate wishes, they never come true. I wish I was beautiful... graceful... good... lovable. I wish I didn't hurt other people. I wish I could love and be loved always. I am tired of being annoyed. Tired of feeling hurt. Tired of crying. Tired of trying to keep it all inside. Tired of trying not to be selfish. Tired of not being worth appreciation but wanting it anyway. Tired of loving people but not being worthy of anyone. Of anything.

Caly and Maggie, if it wasn't for the two of you... you guys fixed this day a little. Between Caly on AIM and Maggie's e-mail... I love you guys.