Sunday, October 05, 2003

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
~William Dement~

My mom doesn't read my page anymore. Last year, she did... not this year. Last year, I had quite a page following, this year *waves to Caly and Robert, the only two people in the audience* I miss my mom. She never calls me, and neither does my dad. Or anyone else for that matter!

I hate my life right now. Contemplating failure, in so many ways. I don't know what I am going to do, I feel like I've given up without ever fighting. I hate it. Encouraging words have the exact wrong effect on me, merely making me angry, or annoyed, or at the very least, sullen. I know I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am at one of those moments where I want to ask everyone to step away from my life. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems, but just, handle them myself.

I feel like I am becoming too dependant on having Tara around. I don't have many other friends here, and that isn't fair to her. I know she won't listen to me, but part of me wishes she would just bail while things are good. All my friendships degenirate into nothingness, and suddenly all the people I care si much about don't give a crap about me. And I know that that is just a lot of selfishness, but sometimes I just can't help it.

I know I am rambling, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Combination of stress, exhaustion, and having too much on my mind.

Anywho, Nighty night, its 1:30 in the morning.

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