Monday, October 27, 2003

So, today was crazy... crazy, I tell you! I finally dropped Seminar in History... thats the 30 page paper, for anyone who is keeping track. I feel like such a failure. At least I went to class today!

So, after class I went to the nurse... turns out I really am depressed! She said that is probably why I am having so much trouble with my classes, and now *tada* I have to take medication. So thats fun... she gave me a three week sample thing, because I don't have an insurance card for my perscriptioins. After that runs out, I don't know what I will do.

I also lost my cell phone, which is ironic. You see, I never take it out of my room, just to keep that from happening! And yet, it has disappeared, and I don't know where it is. Nothing else in my room is missing.

I also have three paper type projects due this week. One of which requires reading a book. *sighs* This is just lovely.

Also, they drew blood while I was at the nurses office, and they did it out of my hands. The backs of my hands. It hurt! But they didn't draw enough, so I have to go back. Tomorrow.

So, this is my life, ladies and gents! Have a good one.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

How dumb are you?

Caly rocks. Because I am depressed and she is talking to me. Also, she has this awesome link on her LJ to this awesome quiz site... place. It is cool like Jello.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

My life is so screwed up. I wish you could see how much I hate myself right now, maybe you would have a word of advice to offer. But then, I don't really want you to see this part of me... I don't even want God to see this part of me. Maybe thats why my life is so stuck in this rut. I don't even know what God wants me to do anymore... maybe I never really knew. And now I have to be an adult, and make adult-like decisions. I don't think I can, I am so immature, so clueless, so wrong. I will be honest, all I have ever wanted to do, ever, is be a wife and mother. That is all I have EVER wanted. But it seems that this is not what God wants me to do right now... I sure as heck wish I knew. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, wonder why I do everything wrong. Why I can't make myself do what I know I need to do. I mean, if I was right, if I was a proper Christian, wouldn't I know? I feel so lost, so alone...

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Sunday, October 19, 2003

In the beginning...

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme.

And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man and Woman said "Yeah, and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.

And woman went from size 3 to size 9. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman had to unfasten their belts.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and a chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman watched TV and gained more pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man and woman gained another ten pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man and woman might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.
and so it goes.......turkey and gravy, lipitor and the FDA's food pyramid.

My grandmother sent me this...
I want to feel vindictive and hateful. I want to rant and rave, but I know how futile it is. I also don't want to hurt anyone who night stumble across this. So, I am composing a letter that might help you all understand how I feel right now without naming someone or telling what is entirely going on.

I don't know why you hate me. I don't know why you called me a bitch. I don't understand why you seeth and grimace when I am present in the same room as you. I don't know why you are jealous, boy-crazy, or why you talk to my friends about me. You think you are better than me... think again.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
~Christina Aguilera~

I don't usually like songs by this particular artist, but I stumbled across this one quite by accident. It intrigued me, even after I found out who sang it, and I listened to it some more. I don't entirely agree with the song, unless you recognize "the voice within" as God, but it is still awesome. Well, I got a test to study for, byes!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

It has been exactly 10 days since my last blog... but thats how it goes when I am at school. Hey, at least I am not counting the days I have been here this semester! (Its too depressing) I talked to my advisor today. I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is that I can't handle this class. It is just too much. (If you don't know what I am talking about, note any references in my past blogs to historiography or a 30-page-paper. We shall see.

I was walking across campus (I do that sometimes, you know) and it was sunny and warm. I have felt so sick, and frustrated. I just wanted to sit in the sidewalk and soak it in, without moving or thinking. I really don't feel good.

I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone to lighten up
I'm gonna tell them that I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun

Okay, I am outies for now! Talk to ya soon...

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
~William Dement~

My mom doesn't read my page anymore. Last year, she did... not this year. Last year, I had quite a page following, this year *waves to Caly and Robert, the only two people in the audience* I miss my mom. She never calls me, and neither does my dad. Or anyone else for that matter!

I hate my life right now. Contemplating failure, in so many ways. I don't know what I am going to do, I feel like I've given up without ever fighting. I hate it. Encouraging words have the exact wrong effect on me, merely making me angry, or annoyed, or at the very least, sullen. I know I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am at one of those moments where I want to ask everyone to step away from my life. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems, but just, handle them myself.

I feel like I am becoming too dependant on having Tara around. I don't have many other friends here, and that isn't fair to her. I know she won't listen to me, but part of me wishes she would just bail while things are good. All my friendships degenirate into nothingness, and suddenly all the people I care si much about don't give a crap about me. And I know that that is just a lot of selfishness, but sometimes I just can't help it.

I know I am rambling, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Combination of stress, exhaustion, and having too much on my mind.

Anywho, Nighty night, its 1:30 in the morning.