Monday, September 01, 2003

Stream Of Thought
A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

~Edgar Allen Poe~

I need the melancholy of Poe today. I hate crying. I hate feeling this way, like all it will take is one stray thought, one mispent word to break down this fragile barrier between me and my emotions. How can I laugh when I feel this way? How can I not?

I wish that I could write poetry. Instead I am forced to admit that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, and find someone with that gift who has already written it for me. How can someone who feels poetry write only the prosiest of prose?

I begin to think that my constant quest to find the beautiful will end like... well, the story about the beautiful. I will spend my life creating a beautiful and delicate creature that will be sestryed by the reality of life.

Do you hate that I see good in you? Does it bother you so much to know that I look past what is to what could be? Do my expectations scare you?

So, I can't see it in myself... That doesn't mean I am wrong. Self-reflection is more difficult than the other. At least for me. Bad doesn't cancel out good, it only disguises it. So stop hiding, and let yourself be who you are! So, you might get hurt... do you think I have never been hurt? But I am not going to give up because in the end, its worth it.

Have you sobbed onto a friends shoulder, begging God to tell you why? And then, when the tears were over, known that He has a purpose, and He will never hurt you? Stop saying you can't trust, give up your excuses. And that IS all they are. You know God won't leave you or abandon you... God is there even when bad things happen.

Don't blame the world on yourself. I can't take any responsibilty for who you are and what descisions you have made... and you cannot do so with me, or with anyone else.

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