Tuesday, September 30, 2003

I would like, for my quote of the day, to insert one from a friend, Aaron. Seems I am not the only one who feels this way:

Sometimes, I feel like I am tied to two big rocks and that I am dragging them behind me.

I am feeling ready to quit. Historiography is destroying my life... I thought I could do it... but I can't. What is wrong with me?!?

Sunday, September 28, 2003

You don't know what love is
Until you've learned the meaning of the blues
Until you've loved a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is

You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
You don't know what love is
~~Billie Holiday~~

I am so tired and sad. I think I am going to drop Old Testament, my only class that I love. It is just too much work, on top of everything else. Abra hates me, I guess I should just come out and say it. I don't know what I did wrong, but she does. I screw up every friendship in one way or another, and I wish you all knew how afraid I am of making Tara hate me, too. I guess that is what it comes down to.

I want to get out of this depression... I need to. Why does this always happen?!? I know it will be over someday, but when I am in the middle of it I can never see how it is going to end.

Jesus, help me. I need You...

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Sonnet LXVI
by William Shakespeare

Tired with all these, for restful death I cry,
As, to behold desert a beggar born,
And needy nothing trimm'd in jollity,
And purest faith unhappily forsworn,
And guilded honour shamefully misplaced,
And maiden virtue rudely strumpeted,
And right perfection wrongfully disgraced,
And strength by limping sway disabled,
And art made tongue-tied by authority,
And folly doctor-like controlling skill,
And simple truth miscall'd simplicity,
And captive good attending captain ill:
Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
Save that, to die, I leave my love alone.

enough said.
The promised pictures!

This is me and Nathan (I told you pictures were coming)

And this is me and Tara, since most of you have never seen a picture and/or met her.

These were pictures from this weekend, the quality of the picture CD is poor. The real pictures, I can honestly say, are much better.

The following is part of a conversation I had with William a few minutes ago:

ukgirlatheart: why is it that whenever i think things are finally going all right in my life... something happens?
MrWSinister: to keep you from becoming complacent

Not to go into too much detail, but suffice to say this:
I have been rejected by someone I thought was my friend because I refuse to comprimise. I won't judge her life, not ever, but I will also not allow myself to be bossed around and controlled by someone who obviously doesn't care enough about me to not make ulitimatums. *whew* I don't think I made the wrong choice... I hope.

Anywho, hope you enjoy the pics! Love ya!

Sunday, September 21, 2003

"Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
~~Matchbox 20~~

I love that song... and as occasionally happens, I don't really want to explain what it means to me... o.O

I got another hole pierced in my ear... it hurt. Cartlidge piercing, lol. I have to keep this earring in for twelve weeks... *sigh* It is going to be a long twleve weeks.

I went shopping, got cute clothes. Enough said.

I went to Tarkio for the weekend with Tara. Her parents are great! I met her cousin Nathan (known possibly to some of you as 'Tiger'... pictures will be forthcoming. He is a sweetheart, I can see why Tara misses him so much. They had a cookout at Tara's yesterday, and he came, but I guess didn't really want to socialize with anyone there other than Tara (for good reason, I think). But she was busy, and I didn't know anyone, so he was really nice and hung out with me most of the night (after soundly whipping Tara at badminton and clotheslining himself with the net). So we had fun this weekend, me n Tara.

I need new shoes. Actually, I just want new shoes... or boots... hmm.

My ear hurts. I think I have west nile virus, too. Or maybe not. But I was eaten alive by mosquitoes! (which is better than being eaten dead. but i don't think they eat dead people... i do not know)

Okay, I am going to do some work here at work... have a good one!

You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey

*giggles* Dezzy n mYst! *giggles more*

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Life is crazy

I wish I knew what tomorrow would bring
I wish I could tell you everything is going to be all right
but I can't.

I wish I could light the world
I wish hurt and pain, sorrow and loss were gone
but they aren't.

I wish all my dreams would come true
I wish I knew when and where and how
but I don't.

Maybe I can finish this later... guess we'll see.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

So, we are just about over due for a blog, are we not? It has been six whole days since my last post, and nary a word from my fans... because I don't have any? It is the middle of the night (01:30 AM CST) and I am at work. Today seems to be singularly appropriate for a post, and I know that I will be bowing my head for a prayer a 07:46 AM CST. That was the time when the first plpane crashed into the WTC two years ago. I know that I was awake at this time two years ago, or most likely I was. I wish I could remember what I was doing.

I don't know about you, but September 11 has changed my life, and my perspective. I don't know if a day goes by that I don't think about it. There are probably only two or three other events that I can say that about... when my grandma died, when my mom came home from the hospital after Andrew Cory died, and when I was in a car accident when I was 14. Okay, just typing that made me cry... I almost cried in class today when one of my teachers talked about September 11.

*deep breath* I hope I didn't make you cry. It just suddenly hit me that I have another little brother, who would be around twelve years old right now, and that was hard. I don't like thinking about it very much, just because I know that it changed my family a lot.

I wonder why it is that possibly four of them most defining moments in my life are all very sad? There are good ones too, but why do I not think of them? My life has not been filled with tragedy, I promise. In fact, there have been many good times. *shakes head* Perhaps I will never understand.

Anyway, I just want to take a moment to remember September 11, and give honor to those who died that day, and those who have died in the conflict since then. God bless America, and may He bless each and every one of you.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Friday, September 05, 2003

Sonnet- To Science
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise,
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

~Edgar Allen Poe~

Makin fun of science... Poe is my kind of guy. I did not used to like him a'tall, but I love his poetry now. I think he was one of those people that just annoyed the crap out of people being depressed all the time, and the only way he could express himself was through writing.

I hate technology... It depresses me. Just, imagine that poem is about technology, and you will undersatnd why I chose this poem.

Thats all I really want to talk about today... I cried last night when I was driving... I played 'The Luckiest' for Tara, she cried too. She had never heard it before. Whoo, crazy times. Then we listened to it again. LOL

Monday, September 01, 2003

Stream Of Thought
A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

~Edgar Allen Poe~

I need the melancholy of Poe today. I hate crying. I hate feeling this way, like all it will take is one stray thought, one mispent word to break down this fragile barrier between me and my emotions. How can I laugh when I feel this way? How can I not?

I wish that I could write poetry. Instead I am forced to admit that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, and find someone with that gift who has already written it for me. How can someone who feels poetry write only the prosiest of prose?

I begin to think that my constant quest to find the beautiful will end like... well, the story about the beautiful. I will spend my life creating a beautiful and delicate creature that will be sestryed by the reality of life.

Do you hate that I see good in you? Does it bother you so much to know that I look past what is to what could be? Do my expectations scare you?

So, I can't see it in myself... That doesn't mean I am wrong. Self-reflection is more difficult than the other. At least for me. Bad doesn't cancel out good, it only disguises it. So stop hiding, and let yourself be who you are! So, you might get hurt... do you think I have never been hurt? But I am not going to give up because in the end, its worth it.

Have you sobbed onto a friends shoulder, begging God to tell you why? And then, when the tears were over, known that He has a purpose, and He will never hurt you? Stop saying you can't trust, give up your excuses. And that IS all they are. You know God won't leave you or abandon you... God is there even when bad things happen.

Don't blame the world on yourself. I can't take any responsibilty for who you are and what descisions you have made... and you cannot do so with me, or with anyone else.