Thursday, August 07, 2003

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~Robert Frost

I have been reading a lot of Frost lately. There is just something so pure about his poetry, it makes me want to cry. Even the weird stuff, like the Witch of Coos... I mean, its not innocent stuff I guess, but its still kind of light hearted. Anyway...

I feel so isolated right now. If it wasn't for Tara, I would seriously go mad. The owner of the restaurant I work at did something so offensive to me, I really want to hate him. I am going to forgive him, I can'tlive with that much anger in my heart, but he just keeps piling things on top of things. I need help...

My realtionship with God is nowhere near what I wish it was, and I am not sure how to fix things. Its funny, a lot of people wish they could go back to their childhood-like faith, innocence, whatever. I don't... I am not sure I was ever really innocent. I remember being little, and knowing I could manipulate adults into doing what I wanted. I knew! I also knew that they would never believe that a little kid could knowingly do some of the stuff I did, so I got away with a lot. My sisters knew, but they didn't tell. We only told on each other when it meant that the person telling would get in trouble too, if they didn't. I also thought up really bad things to do... and talked my sisters into doing them. We got spanked at least once a day.

At least I have the confidence of knowing that God is there, He will never leave me, and that He is guiding my life. I think that may be the only thing I live in complete confidence of. Now, if I could only work on remembering that when I get frustrated or scared or depressed, I would be living the most joyful life any of y'all had ever seen.

Well, I have done my venting for the day... maybe I will be ina good mood when I go to work (I swear, if Gary says one thing to me, though, I will SO sue him for sexual harrasment! I can win, too. Kevin, a guy at work, said he would testify for me if I did.)

Have a good day, lol. Vaya con Dios en tu corazon.

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