Monday, August 11, 2003

Gotta get through this.

One more day that I am alive, to walk on the earth, to be the imperfect creature that I am. I have only this moment promised to me, and I am wasting it on hopeless dreams and wishes. Regrets. Remembering the past. Shame. Hope.

I wish I could live in the moment, content, satisfied just to be here. No more yearning, no more unfulfilled desires. Envious of what I can not have, may never have. Wishing I was more than I am. Wishing I could be who I am. As if me could ever be good enough...

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile...

I can't let my misery affect anyone else. No one else should have to feel bad because I am screwed-up. For the sake of everyone else, I want to dwell alone with these thoughts.

I don't want pity, I don't want to "talk about it". It is enough that these feelings inside of me exist, that they always have, and maybe always will. It is part of who I am, and I can't change it. Maybe I don't want to anymore.

I am selfish.

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