Sunday, August 31, 2003

I don't have any poetry today. No inspiring words of wisdom. I am, in fact, a little sad. The worst part about it is that I am only a little bit sad for myself, but I am very very sad for someone else... therefore I can't even really talk about it. Just... know that one of my friends has a need, whether they know it or not, and please keep them in your prayers.

A little bit on that note (sort of) I have realized that I frequently set myself up to be hurt by other people. Maybe I am too trusting... except I am not. I just trust the wrong people sometimes. Besides my family, I can only think of one other person that I can trust implicitly (with absolutely anything) and know that they have never done anything to betray that trust. I know that I can tell her anything, but more than that, I know she will try to think of others above herself. Friends hurt you sometimes, I know that, but she would never do it on purpose. Even if she did do something, she would know and try to make things right. She is, I think, a better person than I. She is in fact, cool like jello. She is made of stuff that everybody likes! (Yes, those last two were inside jokes, if you don't get it, don't try, lol)
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.


The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
~Edgar Allen Poe~


I am feeling a bit melancholy, and the poetry of my dear relative is perfect for such a mood. Frost and Poe, I everything they wrote... even if Poe does terrify me at times. Anyway, I am still sick, and I locked my keys in my car. *sigh* Love y'all...

From the Lance, our campus newspaper: "His handsome mother replied, 'I have but one corrolary to add to that pronouncement, dear. You are intolerably ugly and uncommonly short.'"

Friday, August 29, 2003

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde


So, here I am. I am halfway through having visited all of my classes, (been to Old Testament, Music Appreciation, and World Civilizations) Well, almost half way. I didn't go to Weight Training yesterday cause I thought I might have to drop it, and so got my registration stuff finished. I still have (today) Historiography and Seminar in History, and Military History. Gee, four history classes, can you imagine what my major is? I am waffling now, bacuase I found out history department might be sponsering a trip to Europe this summer for credit, but I also need to take summer classes. So, here is what I am thinking... how about I add a semester onto it all? I mean, I can't start law school until the fall anyway... I don't know. I just think that would be so awesome. I guess I will wait until I find out more obout the trip... like how much it costs. I got a job in security, dispatch, and I start that on Sunday *sigh*. I am dreading this, I am so afriad that it will be too much for me to handle. Oy. Well, that is about all for now, email me! Or better yet, join my message board and post a message!

"You're the outlaw!" "What's that got to do with anything!?" (Trigun)

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages of this tragedy
Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"
~Jars of Clay~


I love that phrase, "sculpting every move you compose a symphony". As I have said before, I love beauty. Songs, poetry, they help fulfill my desire to see beauty around me. That song makes me want to cry sometimes. In fact, I listened to it about twenty times on the way to Springfield, driving by myself on I-64. I also talked to myself. And to my car. Yes, I AM a bit of a loon.

I don't really have much to say today, but classes start tomorrow. Write more later, love ya'll!

Incomparables promesas me das, Senor...

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

I don't want to post a blog today. I am sick with a nasty little bugger of a cold... but I am. I make the sacrifice, for you! Am I not a sweetie?

I bought most of my books today, I had to drop my new testament lit class to take histeriography... blah. I don't want to take it, I have to write a paper! I am taking it with my friend Erika, so maybe it won't be too bad.

Thats about it from my neck of the woods, my loft is deadly, but hopefully I will survive the semester. Course, if I die, my roomate gets A's in all her classes. Hmmm...

Evangle are such an edurcated skool? i larned so much last yer,

Monday, August 25, 2003

Well, it is beginning to look like "the exile" is never coming back. The webpage, I mean, not me *wink*. I think that I am just going to post on here forever and not update my actual page unless I want to change like, bio info or something. Which I should probably do.

I am all moved in... well, sort of. Still waiting on the fridge, and my loft isn't put up yet *sigh*, I have to go get some bolts for it. Like 10. Because they, for some reason, were not included. BUT there is a guy named Cletus, who used to go here, back to visit and get some stuff from storage, and he has a ratchet *dances* (If you don't know what that is, its a thing used to, um, screw in bolts?) I have a nasty little cold. Yes mom, it is West Nile Virus... shall I list all of the other mosquito borne diseases for you. (Its an inside joke, only my parents, Aunt Laura, and Uncle Eric [who is unfortunately from TN, but we just don't tell people that] get it.)

Alright, enough randomness people. I would like to welcome Tara and Robert as the two newest (and only!) members of my message board. Caly! There is a button at the top of the screen that says 'register'... you should, lol! (the message board screen) I am gonna scoot now, but I will write in again soon... meanwhile, post any questioins, comments, or your own random randomness on my message board. And sign the dang guestbook!

Outies.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Jesus...

To me, that name always conjurs up images of purity and innocence. I hate sounding cliche or immature, and so I don't talk about my own faith very often, and last night I realized how wrong that is. Why does it have to sound stupid to say "I have Jesus in my heart"? I do! My life would be worth nothing if I didn't. My faith is what makes me who I am. I said that I created this to keep peoplr updated on my life, and to let people I care about kniw more about me, and hopefully, understand me.

I know this all sounds a little disjointed, but I am still trying to get my thoughts together.

First of all, I am a Christian in the fullest sense of that word. "Christ-follower" I am learning that my life is better, that I am happier and more content, when I am following God. I have peace about my future, even though I don't really know what I am going to do. Why? Because God has proven himself faithful to me in so many ways, and I know that he has a plan for my future. Everytime I have listened to His prompting and done what I felt he desired of me, it was the right decision.

Second, Jesus said that we should have faith like a child... so why should I be ashamed that speaking about Him makes me sound childish? I don't care anymore! I know that I am right about this, beyond any shadow of doubt.

I know that I am still working uphill. I know that I am so far from where I want and need to be in my life. The times when I am most in despair is when I feel most the weight of my own sin. I let myself forget that Christ died so that I could live without that burden. And the times when I come back up? Its when I learn to let go and, as the cliche goes, "let God".

So, I know this wasn't very organized today, but these were things in my heart that I just wanted to share. Hopefully, my thoughts will become more clear as time goes on, and it will become such a part of my life that I won't have to explain anymore.


Whoo. That said, I would like to insert a little note here about whats been going on in my life lately.


I am struggling with some stuff inside me right now... afraid of falling in more ways than one. Yesterday was my last day at work. Today I am packing. Tomorrow... Evangel. I will miss my family, my two friends here (lol, that actually hang out with me, I mean), my friends that I miss anyway because I don't see them, my church... Lexington. But it won't be as bad this time. Anyway, I gots ta go, post some messages on my new message board!

Bye People That I Love!

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

From low to high doth dissolution climb,
And sink from high to low, along a scale
Of awful notes, whose concord shall not fail;
A musical but melancholy chime,
Which they can hear who meddle not with crime,
Nor avarice, nor over-anxious care.
Truth fails not; but her outward forms that bear
The longest date do melt like frosty rime,
That in the morning whitened hill and plain
And is no more; drop like the tower sublime
Of yesterday, which royally did wear
His crown of weeds, but could not even sustain
Some casual shout that broke the silent air,
Or the unimaginable touch of Time.

~William Wordsworth


I go back to Missouri on Friday. *sigh* There are certainly people here I will miss, my family for one... and others... I am tired of my job, not my coworkers, but my job. It used to be fun, now I spend everynight wondering if I will do something wrong and get someone else in trouble. Or if my boss will say something inappropriate. Such a time, but one that is nearly over.

I really will miss my family, that is just about the only thing I dread.

Does anyone even read this?!? (Except for Tara of course... love ya girl! See ya on Saturday!) Although, I must confess, there are certainly people that I don't want reading this, just because I am afraid of the consequences of them knowing me too well.

I will really miss my family... My parents and baby brother especially (I love the rest of you guys just as much, but I hardly see you anyway as it is!) I can say something good about all of my siblings... maybe I will, just for the heck of it... *I love elipses*

Sarah Renee'- Responsible, and fair. She is blunt, which is hurtful at times, but she is also very honest, and admirable trait. Smarter than most people think, and lots of common sense. She also sticks up for me when people are being particularly nasty.

Rebekah Lynn- Extremely gifted in the literary arts (check out the link to her page!), and also a good story teller. I can usually vent about stuff with her because we have very similar viewpoints. Not as much of a bookworm as I am, but has similar taste in books.

Charles Austin- Much taller than me. When in a good mood, fun to mess around with. He knows how to treat girls with the proper respect, generally holds the door open (If Josiah doesn't get to it first). Also lets me pretend that I can still beat his six foot one self up, even though I am almost a foot shorter than he is. Nice self-confidence boost. He also sticks up for his sisters, and sometimes his brothers.

Samuel Grandeson-
I had to take a break writing this because he was in here making starnge noises. Annoying noises. However, he can be very sweet at times, and he obviously cares about his family. He is entreprenurial, and going to be rich some day. A mechanical genuis, I might add.

Elizabeth Ann- She is just getting into the "i have a bad attitude all the time" phase. ;-) Actually, she is growing up quickly, and not really a little girl anymore. She is a cutie, and I can't wait to see the kind of person she develops into in the next few years.

Josiah Thomas-The baby of the family, he loves to give random hugs. A sweetie, even if he is REALLY sarcastic sometimes *don't know where he learned that*

Anyway, thats my note for the day, write me!

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

There are about a million people at my house right now. Actually, there are only15 or so, but 5 of them are under the age of nine. How my mom did it when we were little, I will never understand.

Lauren goes back to Master's Commision today. Rebekah goes to Asbury on Friday, and I leave that night for Missouri. Its some crazy times in Kentucky Land.


I am sad about leaving my family and church... home... but I am also excited about starting school and getting back into classes...

My confession of the day... I like school.

Monday, August 18, 2003

I wish I had beautiful, profound thoughts. I think, perhaps if I ever truly feel anything lacking in my life, it is beauty. In those moments when all I can feel is despair, all it takes is one single moment of something beautiful, and I feel myself lifted above my own petty life. There are so many beautiful things... I found a letter in my mom's things yesterday, and it made me cry. My dad wrote it to me when I was a baby, and he was away a boot camp. Beauty.

Or when my baby brother just runs up to me and gives me a hug.

When my parents do something for me that I don't deserve.

Sitting on the front steps at night during a thunderstorm, getting completely soaked.

Love.

Reading something that stirs my soul.

I know this probably sounds really cheesy to you all, but I just needed to say... write... it.

I am jealous... most of the people I care about are in love now. And that is a true confession.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

No coward soul is mine,
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heaven's glories shine,
And Faith shines equal, arming me from Fear.

O God within my breast,
Almighty, ever-present Deity!
Life, that in me has rest,
As I, undying Life, have power in Thee!.

Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts: unutterably vain;
Worthless as withered weeds,
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,

To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by Thy infinity,
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of Immortality.

With wide-embracing love
Thy Spirit animates eternal years,
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates, and rears.

Though earth and moon were gone,
And suns and universes ceased to be,
And Thou wert left alone,
Every existence would exist in Thee.

There is not room for Death,
Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou -Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed.

~Emily Bronte


I have loved this poem for a very long time. Everytime I read it, or a bit of it comes to mind, it gives me a sense of joy and purpose. Maybe it reminds me that God is more powerful, that He is the creator and nothing can stop him from accomplishing His purpose. This is my only thought for the day, maybe I will get around to really writing something soon.

Quiero que tengan paz

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

The verb "to hope" in Spanish is esperar. It also means "to wait".

Do you think that perhaps they have the right of it? Maybe... maybe hope is the willingness to wait for something you believe in. I don't know.

I'm not much more content than I was yesterday, but at least I am more thoughtful. I am going to come out of this...

I hope.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Gotta get through this.

One more day that I am alive, to walk on the earth, to be the imperfect creature that I am. I have only this moment promised to me, and I am wasting it on hopeless dreams and wishes. Regrets. Remembering the past. Shame. Hope.

I wish I could live in the moment, content, satisfied just to be here. No more yearning, no more unfulfilled desires. Envious of what I can not have, may never have. Wishing I was more than I am. Wishing I could be who I am. As if me could ever be good enough...

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile...

I can't let my misery affect anyone else. No one else should have to feel bad because I am screwed-up. For the sake of everyone else, I want to dwell alone with these thoughts.

I don't want pity, I don't want to "talk about it". It is enough that these feelings inside of me exist, that they always have, and maybe always will. It is part of who I am, and I can't change it. Maybe I don't want to anymore.

I am selfish.

Friday, August 08, 2003

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

~P.L. Dunbar


I know that poem was written about a culture that, well, isn't mine, but still... I think that there are parts of it that emcompass all of humanity.

Want to know what my mask covers up? No you don't, trust me. I am a very scary person inside, with too many secrets. Too bad I can't talk about it here... ;-)

Anyway, I don't have long today, I am not having a good week. Blah on Jozos, and blah on sexual harrasment.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~Robert Frost


I have been reading a lot of Frost lately. There is just something so pure about his poetry, it makes me want to cry. Even the weird stuff, like the Witch of Coos... I mean, its not innocent stuff I guess, but its still kind of light hearted. Anyway...

I feel so isolated right now. If it wasn't for Tara, I would seriously go mad. The owner of the restaurant I work at did something so offensive to me, I really want to hate him. I am going to forgive him, I can'tlive with that much anger in my heart, but he just keeps piling things on top of things. I need help...

My realtionship with God is nowhere near what I wish it was, and I am not sure how to fix things. Its funny, a lot of people wish they could go back to their childhood-like faith, innocence, whatever. I don't... I am not sure I was ever really innocent. I remember being little, and knowing I could manipulate adults into doing what I wanted. I knew! I also knew that they would never believe that a little kid could knowingly do some of the stuff I did, so I got away with a lot. My sisters knew, but they didn't tell. We only told on each other when it meant that the person telling would get in trouble too, if they didn't. I also thought up really bad things to do... and talked my sisters into doing them. We got spanked at least once a day.

At least I have the confidence of knowing that God is there, He will never leave me, and that He is guiding my life. I think that may be the only thing I live in complete confidence of. Now, if I could only work on remembering that when I get frustrated or scared or depressed, I would be living the most joyful life any of y'all had ever seen.

Well, I have done my venting for the day... maybe I will be ina good mood when I go to work (I swear, if Gary says one thing to me, though, I will SO sue him for sexual harrasment! I can win, too. Kevin, a guy at work, said he would testify for me if I did.)

Have a good day, lol. Vaya con Dios en tu corazon.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

I decided not to go with a depressing song, but one of hope.

My married friends keep asking me
When I'll settle down
They tell me time is passing
And there's not to many good ones still around
I tell them I am not afraid to be alone
And there's no need to rush into something wrong

So I'm not gonna worry
No I'm in no hurry
It's in the hands of fate
There's nothing I can do
And it might be tomorrow
Or the one that follows
Got the rest of my life to look forward to
Cause everyday is one day closer to you

You might be in Montana
Living in the hills
Or you might be in Virginia
Workin' in a mill
All I know is that I haven't found you yet
But who knows maybe we've already met

So I'm not gonna worry
No I'm in no hurry
It's in the hands of fate
There's nothing I can do
And it might be tomorrow
Or the one that follows
Got the rest of my life to look forward to
Cause everyday is one day closer to you

Everyday I pray that God will keep you safe
Cause I know your out there somewhere

So I'm not gonna worry
No I'm in no hurry
It's in the hands of fate
There's nothing I can do
And it might be tomorrow
Or the one that follows
Got the rest of my life to look forward to
Cause everyday is one day closer
Yeah everyday is one day closer
Everyday is one day closer to you

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of starship Enterprise, whose mission is to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man (person!) has gone before!

Captains log, Stardate 08.05.2003

Space is pretty much the same. Stars. Comets. Planets. Occasional encounters with hostile alien lifeforms...

Dang. I was having that StarTrek dream again. Yes, it is Trek, not Track... trek, as in journey. Like, star journey. But trek is much, much cooler. Anyway.

I didn't get to meet William while I was on vacation. I am very sad *cries*, but he really did have other stuff on his mind, more important stuff. For that reason, I can forgive him. I think, however, that I may be the ONLY PERSON LEFT on his buddy list who has NOT met him. *pout*

I am exhausted, and frustrated. I am going to come back when I find the perfect song to suit my mood, and post it for you.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Well, I have been on vacation with my family (most of it) for the last week (in case you were wondering)... I have been thinking about what I should write today, and lots of things have popped into my head. The prupose of this little 'blog' is not to chronicle my daily events, but to assist those who read it in getting to know who I really am... I thought about putting my testimony on here, but I don't really want to right now. I am feeling a little down, and I thought about talking about that, but I don't want to dwell on my own sadness. I don't have enough time to dwell on my vacation exploits... (but note this: I almost died this week, seriously. Gotta love lifeguards.)

So here is what I am going to do: I am going to say something to everyone that I know who actually reads this. Which is only like three people. Maybe two.

Michael: One of my very bestest friends, who is one of those wonderful lifeguards!- Remember this: If you ever get the urge to do a baywatch run... don't.

Caly: Shes The Caly!- You are hilarious! And you appreciate the finer things in life, like Karchan. Just as I do.

William: Someone else that I consider one of my best friends. Even if I haven't ever met him. Blah... ;-)- You are cool and awesome and even if you don't think so you are. So there.

Okay. Now I am going to go try and get other people to read this, so they will email me and say "how come you didn't say anything to me?" and then I will say something to them. Adios, chicos!