Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Yes, it IS that time again!

Well, ladies and germs, I am posting a post once again! Yes, that's right, another little update from the life of the Kentucky Fried Jello! You will know its time to turn the page when you hear a sound like this: *bling-ring-sound-thing* Let's begin now.

What is WITH everybody being depressed of late?

I am so confused by this. I look at people's names on MSN, and everyone is talking about killing themselves, killing someone else, or else making their name into something I don't understand. Me, I like to go with the classic Elton John song, or something in Spanish that reflects the fact that I miss certain people. Anyway, its a new year people, so lets all work on happiness!
Okay, honestly, I have shed my share of tears in the last few days, but Tara is the only one who really knew that. Its just that I get so lonely around here sometimes, and the only thing I have to do is find some sort of technology to cure my boredom. I have been playing Legend of Zelda, watching TV, or getting online since I got home. To top it all off, I have had a constant headache the whole time, which occasionally progresses into a migraine. I have started cleaning things around the house to help, although my mom has given me errands to run just so I have a reason to get out. She also takes me out occasionally so I don't get TOO cooped up, and that is really nice.

School

I have to go back to school in only twelve days, simply for the fact that if I don't go back, I won't get any classes I want. I sort of neglected to register for classes, afraid that I wouldn't want to come back. Registration time came around right in the middle of my really bad time last semester, right when I started taking my medicine. I also need to financially register, get a new student ID (I lost mine on the LAST day of class!), buy my books, get a fish, and generally settle in for the new semester. I am going to work really hard to do well, and make up for my crappy last semester. I am sure my adviser was just THRILLED that I didn't do well in his class. Actually, I did really well, as in I got A's on all the tests, but I kind of didn't turn in a paper, and so, well.... yeah, I did badly. I am going to retake that class ASAP, but it isn't offered next semester. Bah! That is the bad thing about Evangel. I realized that I have never taken a class pass/fail, and if they have the option to take any classes that way here, I am going to try it with my Spanish classes. I have to take two more for my minor, and I am dreading it. I never really felt like I learned as much Spanish as I was supposed to, for all that I have done really well in my classes. That is this summer, though, so I am not going to worry about it too much.

Reflection

My life has been narrowed a lot in the last year. My 'group' has become much, much smaller (group meaning the people that I hang out with on a regular basis) My online 'group' is bigger than my RL one, but both are a lot smaller than they used to be. Actually, in many ways, this year has seen a lot of change for me, not just in friends.
I went to Evangel a year ago on the fifth. It had been my dream for three, four years to go, and when the time came, I was scared. Terrified. I didn't want to leave my easy life here, where my responsibilities were so easy to shirk and I could just skate through life, avoiding the consequences of whatever bad decisions I made. I got to Evangel, and believe you me, it was a bad thing in my mind. (for a quick reference,
  • Archives of the Exile
  • ) some things happened back at home, and there at Evangel, that made my transition time more difficult. Money didn't come when it was supposed to, I had roommate problems, wasn't making friends... and the things that happened in Lexington were also difficult for me. I made it through the semester, though, and right at the end I met Erika and Tara. Well, I met Erika much sooner than that, as we had a class together, but we became friends at the end of the semester. Tara and I talked a lot over the summer, and because of that, ended up becoming very good friends. Best friends, in fact. This summer was also the first time I talked to Nathan, albeit online, and only to give him messages from Tara. It seems like a long time ago now, with last semester between it. This blog has a pretty accurate chronicle of this year, from optimism to the very bottom of depression..........
    I met Nathan for the first time in September, six weeks before Halloween. (And yes, that is how I keep track of it. Tara and I got our lovely ear piercings right before we went to Tarkio, and she could change her earrings for the first time on Halloween, six weeks later.) I tried to stay motivated, but I let my depression and my fear overwhelm me, and I fell into a pit that took most of the semester to get out of. I think I have made it out, though, with God's, my family's, and my friends' help (in that order).
    I also think I have become, through all of this, more confident in who I am. In spite of being depressed, there is an underlying, I don't know, peace in me. And more ability to trust God, although I know I am not there yet. I have been confused, scared... but God has taken care of me in all of this. Knowing that, and being able to trust Him more than I used to has given me more confidence. Its like, if God thinks I am good enough, than I can live in that knowledge more easily than if I try to convince myself to think that I am good enough. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but then, a lot of this hasn't made sense. *smiles*

    Alpha and Omega

    So, it is the end of a tumultuous year, and a fresh new beginning. Its like a book that hasn't been written yet, and this year I really think the pages are going to reflect a better me. Because I hope that I have grown and learned, and that the mistakes that I make will be ones that I can overcome. I am so glad that every single one of you who reads this will be along for the ride. Se amo!

    Friday, December 26, 2003

    You are DORY!
    What Finding Nemo Character are You?

    brought to you by Quizilla
    Here I Come Again

    So, this is my life. I am at home, life is cool. And, as per an official annoucement, I have a boyfriend. I couldn't say anything on here before because I wanted to talk to my parents about it first. Having completed this task, I am free to announce it to the world. *grins* December ninth, 2003. A day that will live in infamy. Not as infamous as December Twelfth, 1942, but still. His name is *gasp* Nathan Riley. *shock and amaze* Yeah, I know that may seem hard to believe, given how much I obviously despise him... *points to previous posts that prove the sarcasm contained in that last statement* Anyway, this is an incredible experience for me, because he is not only someone I care about as a good friend, but now also someone I care VERY much about as... boyfriend sounds so cheesy here. Whatever. *grins again* I can just say that I am incredibly happy, lucky, ecstatic... to quote my brother Charles, "You know its true... the movies don't lie." Sometime I might get around to putting the whole story up here, but if you want to know, I figure you'll ask. Its funny, kind of, and sweet. Did I tell you Nathan is the sweetest guy in the world? He is. And although I miss him terribly right now, even talking to him online brightens up my day. *huggles* Love ya'll, if there are any "ya'll" out there.

    Saturday, December 20, 2003

    Okay, so I got this e-mail a minute ago, and I can so relate to most of it! Three years in college, and this is what I've learned so far... *snickers*

    50 THINGS ADMISSIONS NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT UNIVERSITY
    1. Quarters are gold.
    2. Two meals per day is the standard.
    3. Road trip whenever possible.
    4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
    5. You will begin to nap again.
    6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
    7. Squirt guns = Stress relief.
    8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction.
    9. E-mail becomes your second language
    10. College students throw paper airplanes too.
    11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you.
    12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.
    13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldn't know, but you can recite last week's re-run of The 70's Show verbatim.
    14. Cartoons are for all ages.
    15. Disney movies are more than just classics.
    16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life.
    17. No one is too old for video games.
    18. Procrastination is an art form.
    19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot.
    20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again.
    21. It never hurt so much to get sick.
    22. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital. Never, don't ever forget that.
    23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
    24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation.
    25. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
    26. Classes... the later the better.
    27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you.
    28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
    29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty.
    30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important.
    31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
    32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY...
    33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!!
    34. If it's snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food.
    35. Dishes smell after days of piling up.
    36. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
    37. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
    38. You will eat anything that is free.
    39. New additions to food groups: pitapit and pizza. (and Falafel Hut!)
    40. Stealing from the dining hall will become second nature.
    41. ATM's are the devils advocate. ATM= another Twenty Missing.
    42. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them or lock yourself out of the room even more.
    43. Duct tape heals all wounds.
    44. If they say you can't have it in your dorm, they are just kidding.
    45. You will come to hate hallways/elevators with a passion. (STAIRS ARE THE DEVIL)
    46. Those ugly cinderblocks are not sound proof.
    47. Pictures, posters, emails or anything else to cover the ugly cell we live in will be transformed into wallpaper.
    48. Everyone is only nice for the first week. After that, no matter how nice you are, some people just won't smile back. Get used to it.
    49. You are never alone!
    50. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes

    TOP 10 REASONS THAT COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL
    10. You cry for your mother.
    9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
    8. Snack time is a necessity.
    7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do
    6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
    5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
    4. You wear big mittens.
    3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
    2. You take naps.
    1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

    YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
    1. You actually like doing laundry at home.
    2. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
    3. You'd rather clean than study.
    4. Oh man how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
    5. Mom's Meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
    6.Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
    7. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
    8. You know the pizza boy by name.
    9.You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
    10. You live for getting mail.
    11. Looking out the
    window is a form of entertainment.
    12. Prank phone calls become funny again.
    13. You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
    14. Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
    15. Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
    16. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.
    My answers to the greatest quiz in the world

    1. Brenda the haunted illuminist

    2. Pepsi... they are taking over the world!

    3. Turn narc, for sure. Who would ever want to flout 'the man' like that?

    4. Ferrets... Stinky and Bob

    5. What is the most annoying thing about me?

    6. Everything!

    7. Porque Cristo y los angeles hablan espanol!

    8. Because they're the bestest!

    9. The inventor of reality TV

    10. Yes, because I wrote the question, but I AM NOT OBSESSED!! ITS ALL HEATHERS FAULT!!!

    11. Blush and stammar

    12. They know who they are....

    13. This survey

    15. I was so tired when I wrote this...

    slowly, when the air is dusty, those ones! *points*, colgate, carlos o kelly's

    no, yes, no, um.. no *bzzt*, made someone else, my mom wouldn't ever by us one, nope, i wish, not since i was a baby

    Sunday, December 14, 2003

    I had a dream that I was standing in a hallway. In front of me was a huge sheet of white paper. I gazed down at the pure expanse, and I started to think of just what I wanted to do with it. Where I would put the first mark, what it would look like. What would I use, a pen, pencil, crayon, marker? But the wind was blowing, and I had to keep running around the paper, trying to keep it from blowing away, or folding over and rendering it imperfect. Despite all my hard work to keep it spotless until I was ready to start, someone came into the hallway. They grabbed an orange crayon and started drawing little pictures... like those of a small child. And other people came in, and everyone wanted to draw on my paper. After getting mad for awhile and joined in, drawing recklessly. In the end, the paper was crumpled and torn, a mish mash of colours and pictures, doodles... and it didn't mean a thing.

    True story, that.

    Thursday, December 11, 2003

    The Worlds Greatest Survey Ever

    Please forward this to five hundred people so they will hate you. If you don't, you will be doomed to a life of love and happiness, because your friends will... not... hate you... for forwarding... something... to all five hundred of them.

    1: Imagine you were being pursued by the Russian Mafia, and had to enter the Witness Protection Program. You have to change your name, and you can change it to anything you want. What would you call yourself?

    2: If you could order the assassination of the CEO of EITHER Pepsi or Coke, who would you choose?

    3: Say you could be involved in an underground newspaper at your school, and that you could get kicked out if caught. Would you participate in practicing your freedom of speech in a sudden bout of civil disobedience... or would you chicken out and turn narc?

    4: What pets would you never want to have, and what would you name them?

    5: If you could ask any question of your friends and know that it would have to be answered honestly, what would it be?

    6: How would YOU answer the question that you want to ask your friends?

    7: Porque es espanol la lengua del cielo? (un hint: porque Dios hablo espanol!!!)

    8: Why is your best friend your best friend?

    9: If you could assassinate anyone in the world who isn't President George W. Bush, who would it be and why?

    10: Do you know whom Trista Rehn, Simon Cowle, or Kelly Clarkson is? If so... WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH REALITY TV?!? *Deep Cleansing Breath*

    11: Does the idea of kissing a certain someone make you all giddy and excited, make you blush and stammer, disgust and revolt you, or do you think its wrong to even think the word kissing?

    12: Did you enjoy answering that question too much?

    13: Who were you thinking about when you answered it?

    14: What would happen if you stayed up for more than 24 hours with nothing but a cup of coffee to keep you awake?

    15: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose. Discuss.

    What is your favorite:

    Way to pick you nose?

    Time to sneeze?

    Pair of underwear?

    Brand of toothpaste?

    Restaurant to make fun of?

    Have you ever:

    Plucked a rooster?

    Thrown your mashed potatoes up against a wall?

    Kissed a chipmunk?

    Licked a spark plug?

    Sniffed a stink bug?

    Painted daisies on a big red rubber ball?

    Bathed in yogurt?

    Looked good in leggings?

    Been to Boston in the Fall?

    Monday, December 08, 2003

    I suppose that some of you might have noticed my lack of online presence lately? No? Oh well. I figured you hadn't, otherwise you would have been worried and e-mailed me. And since THAT hasn't happened... *grins*

    I had my historiography final today.... realized that I haven't been signing the role sheet as much as I've been there. Dr Hall thought I missed a whole bunch of classes, and in fact this is one of the classes I haven't missed much. That said, I think I did okay. It was an hour long, and it was at 8:30 in the morning, and I had only had three hours of sleep. So maybe my judgement on it isn't as good as it could be. OH! And I actually finished a paper! Yes folks, I really did, and turned it in, too! Be grateful for the small things... Unfortunately I had to write it in the middle of last night, so its probably crap. I have had a migraine since Thursday (am in fact still having it) and so I couldn't get myself to actually go about writing it. But I slept a lot yesterday, rested, and finally got to the point around 2AM where I could do it.. and I did. I feel like a real person for the first time this semester.

    Can I just say that I like writing when I actually know what I am writing about? I have had a lot of fear and insecurity this semester, and I think that might be part of my problem. So, anyway, I went through my whole writing process last night and this morning. Laboring over the intro. Adding to it and deleting as I get ideas. Writing a paragraph, and then another, and then rearranging all the sentences. Like its some sort of puzzle that I can solve if I get just the right combination of words... like my idea exists out there somewhere and my job is to catch it and trap it on paper. Quite a thrill, actually, even when I do a crappy job. You know what? I am going to post my paper! Thats right, I am!

    So here it is folks, in all its glory. Just over three pages long... my paper! (double-space, calm down!)

    What is History?


    History in the simplest definition of the word is merely anything that happened in the past, but without the past we wouldn’t have a present… or a future. More than a collection of dates and facts, history is a living part the human psyche. It is intertwined in every facet of life, influencing every decision great or small. Winston Churchill said, “Those who do not learn from the past are destined to repeat it.” I believe this to be true. No one can live entirely in the present. There would never be learning or change. Civilizations, nations, individuals; all have their own unique history that molds and forms them into something distinct. Whether they flourish or falter often depends on the lessons they have taken from their forbears… or even from their own mistakes.
    >Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote that the “lives of great men all remind us/ we can make our lives sublime/ and departing leave behind us/ footprints in the sands of time.” Everything affects everything else. Or perhaps anything can affect everything. When the Columbus set out for India, he certainly did not foresee that his exploration would lead to the discovery of the New World. The society that we take for granted may not ever have come into being were it not for the tenacity that caused one man to risk a dangerous voyage. What happened in his life that gave him the fortitude to continue seeking support for a cause that so many had already scorned?
    We can muse for hours on what caused the fall of the Roman Empire, but unless we can take lessons from their mistakes, what good will it have? Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of physics states that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” In history, even the most unimportant moments can set off a grand chain of events. Because we cannot live merely in the present, and must reflect sometimes on our past, we cannot ignore the influence that it has on us. Beyond merely being interesting, observing history can also assist us in preparing for the future.
    Perhaps one of the most fascinating facets of history is that nothing is precisely what it seems. Two men can see the same event and describe it in completely different ways. Each can relate it to two men who all view it in a differently. They all take the same facts and create from them a different opinion. Perhaps one person will take from it a lesson that they will carry with them through out their whole life, changing the way they think and act. The other may not ever think of it again, even in passing. Although history may record that something took place, can it ever truly be ‘exactly’ what happened?
    History must be more than just a collection of dates of events in the past. To state that “in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue” does not really tell anyone anything… except that it happened. Causes and consequences are also part of it. These are also the things that tend to be viewed with a certain amount of bias. Perhaps a completely ‘true’ history would be a completely unbiased look at the past, but this is probably not possible. Who can say that they have an unbiased view? So history then is the past, viewed from the eyes of an individual, including the causes and consequences of any grand scheme.
    Some say that history is an endless cycle, doomed to be repeated until the end of time. Many of these believe that there are inevitable patterns that make it possible to predict the outcome of any event now. For thousands of years historians have observed patterns in societies, in the rise and fall of governments, in the success of civilizations. Polybius wrote his “Regular Cycle of Constitutional Revolutions” during the rise of the Roman Empire . This view leaves out the possibility that man can learn from the past and eventually not make the same mistakes again.
    There are others who say that the progress of the world is chaotic and that all things happen completely by chance. They believe that nothing truly affects anything else, and that nothing can be predicted by looking at the past. Still others argue that history is pursuing a particular course leading to a specific destination, be it ‘nirvana’ or the eternal Reign of Christ. This last view seems to fit best with Christian worldview, granting the possibility that human nature does tend to cause certain events to be repeated. That is to say, although there are patterns in history, people have the power to change them through the choices they make.
    History is not only things that have happened in the past. It is the story of humanity, told from the point of view of the people who lived it. It shapes countries and individuals. It provides knowledge for those who seek, lessons to those in danger of making a common mistake. For those who wish to understand themselves, history can provide a mirror for them to observe their own past. For those who desire a clearer understanding of their world, it reflects the deeds and misdeeds of every civilization that have gone before. Even those who despise history as boring or unnecessary would agree that they have learned and changed because of circumstances in their own past. Not only a depository for ancient battles and vanished civilizations, history is alive for those who yearn to become the best person they can be.

    Saturday, December 06, 2003

    My life is like an endless cycle... I get depressed. I don't eat when I am depressed, so I either get sick or get headaches. Take today for example... Migraine headache, no food. Then I get more emotional, and more depressed because I can barely see straight. Instead of taking it easy, I continue to attempt my usual tasks, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Anyway, then I refuse to eat at all, until its so convenient for me to eat that I can't refuse. As in, I am in the joust anyway, or I know that I have something in my room. Today, I have a million and one reasons why I can't... and so I won't. I know that I won't, and I don't really want to. (Hey, this is an honest look at me, and these are my honest thoughts. I am not sane enough to make it sound like I'm normal.) I guess thats why I can be so pushy or bossy sometimes. I don't want people to be like me, so I won't let them have my excuses. I like to think that I try to help people as much as can, and don't just try to tell them what to do. So here I am, no solution in sight. See, there are limited mealtimes on campus here during the weekends, and you can't use your card in the joust... and I have no money. I have no choice but to not eat, but that suits me. I don't even know why I am writing this anymore... *sighs*

    Friday, December 05, 2003

    *blinks* Where oh where to begin? So much and yet so little to say. Its funny, I only post when I have something I really really want to say, but most of the time I leave it up to y'all to read between the lines to figure it out. So here goes my first post since before Thanksgiving...

    I went home for Thanksgiving. Of course I couldn't post that on here, because the goal was to surprise my family... but then my mom just HAD to call... and I can't lie! Not to direct questions, I most certainly can't. She called me just as I was getting out of St Louis, that EVIL city. I HATE St Louis! Its... its... *faints*
    *recovers* Anyway, so after getting through that evil city during rush hour the day before Thanksgiving, I finally made it home... it was about 11 there, which was only about 10 to me, so it wasn't too bad. Its kind of weird losing an entire hour for a few days, and then suddenly getting it back. Sort of.

    We had Thanksgiving in our living room with my mom and dad, grandmother, Aaron and Nikki (my older cousin and his girlfriend), Sarah and Michael, Rebekah, Charles and Michelle, Sam, Elizabeth, Josiah, My uncle Beau and his friend Charlie *blinks*, and of course, me. And my grandmother's dog Ugl... Scooter. Now, for those of you who have never seen my house, its tiny. Itty bitty. NOT BIG. We put the TV in my brothers' room and pulled out their bed (a futon) and set it up in the living room. So seating arrangements were pretty informal. There were three couches, two rocking chairs, and other random chair that were pulled out from around the house. We set up the food buffet style (there was just no other way with that many people!). We even used some really old table clothes that were once my great-grandmothers to make the table look pretty. We used my mom's good plates (not her best china, too risky) and real silver. So, although it was a little unorthodox, it was great fun. It was kind of weird, though, being home. You get used to being in a certain environment, like a dorm, and then going back home and its so different. And with it being a later time zone, I was always the last to go to bed. I mean, I stay up pretty late here anyway, but add an extra hour to that... Anyway, I was there from Wednesday night until Saturday morning. I got back to school around four (CST) and hung out with Erika for the rest of the day... and on into the night. We went out and took pictures of each other around Springfield until 4:30 in the morning. *coughs*

    Now why, you may ask, would I want to do such a crazy thing like that? First of all... DUH! I am a college student. We do stuff like that... can't do it once we get old and tired, you know. Secondly, I cut my hair. And dyed it blond... and some people requested pictures. Erika and I didn't have anything better to do, both having napped in the afternoon, so we just decided to go out an be silly. The result?


    Yes, I know that it is a crappy picture. Yes, I know I have red eye... that isn't the point!!! The point is that I took a picture of me with short blond hair. With my really cute new jacket that my grandmother gave me *smooches* You should see some of ERIKAS pictures! *coughs* Think Fiona... in Shrek... at the end... when they are doing karaoke... If you don't get it, thats okay, I don't want to corrupt you.

    Bah... I have class. Okay, real quick, last night...

    We had Lewis Hall Devos... devotions... usually just individual floors do it, but this was one all together. Anyway, Tara and I had the choice to go to that, or to Higgins (don't know why its called that), a Christmas party hosted by the guys of K2S (Krause 2nd south, Krause is the guys dorm where all the crazy, typical college guys live. Scott is where the musicians, honor students, and weird guys live...) Tara and I almost didn't go, but at the last minute decided to go to Devos...we were, in fact, about ten minutes late. Which is sad, because we only had to walk about 10 seconds to be there. ANYWAY. So, our hall worship team leader is named Cullen Reed... a friend of mine, but not one that I talk to about any of my problems, at all. After devos were just about over, they decided to sing one more worship song, which ended up leading into a really intense time of worship. To make a long sotry short, Cullen sent someone to find me at the back of the room, and making sure that everyone else kept singing, grabbed one of his worship team members and came down to talk to me.... he said that God had given him a word for my life, and told me, and I just blinked. There was no WAY he could have known. And then he went back, and the girl kept praying for me... and then our DA came over. Shes the girl in charge of Devos in our hall, all of them. And they prayed for me, and I don't know wither of them, but the stuff they prayed was really specific. And right on... and they couldn't have known. Not even Tara knew some of that stuff, and what she does know she would never tell! All I can say is, I cried for a long long time. Yeah, God is still there, and He is still taking care of me. You can doubt all you want, but there is NO WAY they could have known... no way anyone but the Holy Spirit could have led those girls to pary the way they did, or Cullen to say what he said to me. Even when I doubt, God is still faithful... and He still works miricles in our lives.

    Okay, gonna be late now, but I had to post this! Byea!

    Tuesday, November 25, 2003

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to do to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

    John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend todo everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    Happy Thanksgiving!
    Wow. I feel so weird. Life is crazy...

    I am going to have a horrible GPA this semester. I worked my normal shift at work last week, but unfortuantely, one of my patrol guys didn't show up, and my supervisor didn't let me take my break... and so I worked eight straight hours. And that just screwed me up so bad, and I slept thrpugh both of my classes... and missed a test. *sighs* And I can't make it up, cuase its not an excused absence... so that class is gone. Dang. I am going to pass the few classes I have left... I have never failed or dropped a class before! Never! ANd now I have dropped two and failed one.. only nine hours this semester. *sighs* Out of fifteen. But you know what? I can't let it depress me, bnecause I can't change anything, and I know it. So I am not going to let it hurt, not anymore. I am just going to live with the consequences, and do better from now on. I think I may have brought my grade in military history back up, just by talking to my teacher and not missing any classes for two weeks now. And historiography, well, I have until the end of the semester to fix that grade. World Civ... I'm going to pass it, thats about it. Hopefully with a c or better. I am going to get an A in voice, and probably in weight training. Thats all I have now, just five classes. Bah...

    Other news *thinks* Nothing I want to share with the world at large yet *grins and giggles* Oh, a few of you know, and that is how it is going to stay!!! So, no telling... *thinks some more* I am sitting in Tara;s room typing this, its kind of fun to be able to just go in someones room and chill with them. I have the bestest best friend ever. Y'all don't know. And also, having had to listen to several recordings of my voice of late, I have come to this conclusion: I hate my accent. Hate... its not even a cool accent! Just annoying. I pronounce my vcowels weird... and I can't even hear it when I talk. Just when I listen to my voice... that is so weird that the sounds in my head don't come out the same way in my voice (i just had to erase and rewrite that cuase i closed my eyes while I was typing, and accidently hit the caps key instead of a.) Well, its getting late (early) so... ttyl!

    Monday, November 24, 2003

    Love is like the wild rose-briar,
    Friendship like the holly-tree --
    The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
    But which will bloom most contantly?
    The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
    Its summer blossoms scent the air;
    Yet wait till winter comes again
    And who wil call the wild-briar fair?
    Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
    And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
    That when December blights thy brow
    He may still leave thy garland green.

    ~~Emily Brontë ~~


    What is this, you say? Happy poetry? No!! *grins* But in spite of my see-sawing moods, I am still, at heart, a person who can be happy and can love and... have not bad things in their life. Did that even make sense? I don't know... but at any rate, I need to be positive. I can't stand to not be anymore.

    Sometimes I think that sadness is like a cold, deep pool. It hurts so badly at first, but then after awhile you start to grow numb. You know that you are hurting. Every part of you is screaming to get out, to save yourself. So afraid of feeling, of risking hurt again you swim firther out to the middle. Its only when you can't swim anymore, when you feel yourself slipping under the water, when you try to take a breath and your nose and mouth fill with water that you want to live. You realize that you don't want to die, that somehow life has to be worth it. And by the grace of God, I've have been saved from that yet again.

    I don't know what else to say right now... I am content to live.

    Monday, November 17, 2003

    I don't have any poetry today *smiles slightly* Classes are going a little bit better, I haven't been skipping at least. We actually had a good discussion in historiography, and it gave me happiness muchly. Dr. Hall actually blinked at me and said I had a really good point... twice! And this was after I had been criticized by this guy who said I was wrong. It was greatness... we also has a good discussion in Military History. Lessee... did I ever say that iI found my celly? Yeah, it was in my car! Don't know how it got there... but there it was. My mommy and daddy and grandmother are helping me fix my screwy life... and I get to go home for thanksgiving!!!

    Things aren't perfect, and I am still fighting this depression thing, but I wanted to put something positive on here. Its been awhile... love you!

    Wednesday, November 05, 2003

    My mom is awesome. I love her so much! My dad is awesome, too, but he doesn't e-mail me. I love them both. And my whole family!

    Monday, November 03, 2003

    Silence
    I want to find a place as quiet as a mountain top
    As lonely as the deepest part of the sea
    Where I can rest
    Alone
    With no more pain
    And no more worry
    Where I can't make a mistake
    And no one will ever hurt me
    Again


    Wow, I wrote a poem. Why is it that my depressing poems always suck? I really want to end now. I feel at the end of my rope.

    I'm so not important, always at the back of the line, the bottom of the fish pond. Never special. I can't fix anything, not even for myself, and I only contribute sadness to the people around me. I wish I knew what it felt like to make the world a better place.

    My head hurts now, farewell...

    Sunday, November 02, 2003

    I feel lonely and alone. Like things just aren't worth trying anymore. Like I can never be of enough worth to anyone else. Like I am always at the bottom looking up. Wishing, always wishing. I hate wishes, they never come true. I wish I was beautiful... graceful... good... lovable. I wish I didn't hurt other people. I wish I could love and be loved always. I am tired of being annoyed. Tired of feeling hurt. Tired of crying. Tired of trying to keep it all inside. Tired of trying not to be selfish. Tired of not being worth appreciation but wanting it anyway. Tired of loving people but not being worthy of anyone. Of anything.

    Caly and Maggie, if it wasn't for the two of you... you guys fixed this day a little. Between Caly on AIM and Maggie's e-mail... I love you guys.

    Monday, October 27, 2003

    So, today was crazy... crazy, I tell you! I finally dropped Seminar in History... thats the 30 page paper, for anyone who is keeping track. I feel like such a failure. At least I went to class today!

    So, after class I went to the nurse... turns out I really am depressed! She said that is probably why I am having so much trouble with my classes, and now *tada* I have to take medication. So thats fun... she gave me a three week sample thing, because I don't have an insurance card for my perscriptioins. After that runs out, I don't know what I will do.

    I also lost my cell phone, which is ironic. You see, I never take it out of my room, just to keep that from happening! And yet, it has disappeared, and I don't know where it is. Nothing else in my room is missing.

    I also have three paper type projects due this week. One of which requires reading a book. *sighs* This is just lovely.

    Also, they drew blood while I was at the nurses office, and they did it out of my hands. The backs of my hands. It hurt! But they didn't draw enough, so I have to go back. Tomorrow.

    So, this is my life, ladies and gents! Have a good one.

    Sunday, October 26, 2003


    How dumb are you?

    Caly rocks. Because I am depressed and she is talking to me. Also, she has this awesome link on her LJ to this awesome quiz site... place. It is cool like Jello.
    These wounds won't seem to heal
    This pain is just too real
    There's just too much that time cannot erase


    My life is so screwed up. I wish you could see how much I hate myself right now, maybe you would have a word of advice to offer. But then, I don't really want you to see this part of me... I don't even want God to see this part of me. Maybe thats why my life is so stuck in this rut. I don't even know what God wants me to do anymore... maybe I never really knew. And now I have to be an adult, and make adult-like decisions. I don't think I can, I am so immature, so clueless, so wrong. I will be honest, all I have ever wanted to do, ever, is be a wife and mother. That is all I have EVER wanted. But it seems that this is not what God wants me to do right now... I sure as heck wish I knew. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, wonder why I do everything wrong. Why I can't make myself do what I know I need to do. I mean, if I was right, if I was a proper Christian, wouldn't I know? I feel so lost, so alone...

    Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

    Sunday, October 19, 2003

    In the beginning...

    God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme.

    And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

    And Man and Woman said "Yeah, and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.

    And woman went from size 3 to size 9. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman had to unfasten their belts.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and a chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

    And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman watched TV and gained more pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man and woman gained another ten pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that man and woman might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

    And Satan created HMO's.
    and so it goes.......turkey and gravy, lipitor and the FDA's food pyramid.


    My grandmother sent me this...
    I want to feel vindictive and hateful. I want to rant and rave, but I know how futile it is. I also don't want to hurt anyone who night stumble across this. So, I am composing a letter that might help you all understand how I feel right now without naming someone or telling what is entirely going on.

    I don't know why you hate me. I don't know why you called me a bitch. I don't understand why you seeth and grimace when I am present in the same room as you. I don't know why you are jealous, boy-crazy, or why you talk to my friends about me. You think you are better than me... think again.

    Thursday, October 16, 2003

    Young girl, don't cry
    I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
    Young girl, it's all right
    Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

    When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
    Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
    No one ever wants or bothers to explain
    Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

    When there's no one else
    Look inside yourself
    Like your oldest friend
    Just trust the voice within
    Then you'll find the strength
    That will guide your way
    If you will learn to begin
    To trust the voice within

    Young girl, don't hide
    You'll never change if you just run away
    Young girl, just hold tight
    And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

    Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
    It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
    No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
    When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

    When there's no one else
    Look inside yourself
    Like your oldest friend
    Just trust the voice within
    Then you'll find the strength
    That will guide your way
    If you will learn to begin
    To trust the voice within

    Yeah...
    Life is a journey
    It can take you anywhere you choose to go
    As long as you're learning
    You'll find all you'll ever need to know

    You'll make it
    You'll make it
    Just don't go forsaking yourself
    No one can stop you
    You know that I'm talking to you

    When there's no one else
    Look inside yourself
    Like your oldest friend
    Just trust the voice within
    Then you'll find the strength
    That will guide your way
    If you will learn to begin
    To trust the voice within

    Young girl don't cry
    I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
    ~Christina Aguilera~


    I don't usually like songs by this particular artist, but I stumbled across this one quite by accident. It intrigued me, even after I found out who sang it, and I listened to it some more. I don't entirely agree with the song, unless you recognize "the voice within" as God, but it is still awesome. Well, I got a test to study for, byes!

    Wednesday, October 15, 2003

    It has been exactly 10 days since my last blog... but thats how it goes when I am at school. Hey, at least I am not counting the days I have been here this semester! (Its too depressing) I talked to my advisor today. I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is that I can't handle this class. It is just too much. (If you don't know what I am talking about, note any references in my past blogs to historiography or a 30-page-paper. We shall see.

    I was walking across campus (I do that sometimes, you know) and it was sunny and warm. I have felt so sick, and frustrated. I just wanted to sit in the sidewalk and soak it in, without moving or thinking. I really don't feel good.

    I'm gonna soak up the sun
    I'm gonna tell everyone to lighten up
    I'm gonna tell them that I've got no one to blame
    For every time I feel lame I'm looking up
    I'm gonna soak up the sun
    I'm gonna soak up the sun


    Okay, I am outies for now! Talk to ya soon...

    Sunday, October 05, 2003

    Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
    ~William Dement~


    My mom doesn't read my page anymore. Last year, she did... not this year. Last year, I had quite a page following, this year *waves to Caly and Robert, the only two people in the audience* I miss my mom. She never calls me, and neither does my dad. Or anyone else for that matter!

    I hate my life right now. Contemplating failure, in so many ways. I don't know what I am going to do, I feel like I've given up without ever fighting. I hate it. Encouraging words have the exact wrong effect on me, merely making me angry, or annoyed, or at the very least, sullen. I know I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am at one of those moments where I want to ask everyone to step away from my life. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems, but just, handle them myself.

    I feel like I am becoming too dependant on having Tara around. I don't have many other friends here, and that isn't fair to her. I know she won't listen to me, but part of me wishes she would just bail while things are good. All my friendships degenirate into nothingness, and suddenly all the people I care si much about don't give a crap about me. And I know that that is just a lot of selfishness, but sometimes I just can't help it.

    I know I am rambling, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Combination of stress, exhaustion, and having too much on my mind.

    Anywho, Nighty night, its 1:30 in the morning.

    Tuesday, September 30, 2003

    I would like, for my quote of the day, to insert one from a friend, Aaron. Seems I am not the only one who feels this way:

    Sometimes, I feel like I am tied to two big rocks and that I am dragging them behind me.

    I am feeling ready to quit. Historiography is destroying my life... I thought I could do it... but I can't. What is wrong with me?!?

    Sunday, September 28, 2003

    You don't know what love is
    Until you've learned the meaning of the blues
    Until you've loved a love you've had to lose
    You don't know what love is

    You don't know how lips hurt
    Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
    Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
    You don't know what love is
    ~~Billie Holiday~~


    I am so tired and sad. I think I am going to drop Old Testament, my only class that I love. It is just too much work, on top of everything else. Abra hates me, I guess I should just come out and say it. I don't know what I did wrong, but she does. I screw up every friendship in one way or another, and I wish you all knew how afraid I am of making Tara hate me, too. I guess that is what it comes down to.

    I want to get out of this depression... I need to. Why does this always happen?!? I know it will be over someday, but when I am in the middle of it I can never see how it is going to end.

    Jesus, help me. I need You...

    Tuesday, September 23, 2003

    Sonnet LXVI
    by William Shakespeare

    Tired with all these, for restful death I cry,
    As, to behold desert a beggar born,
    And needy nothing trimm'd in jollity,
    And purest faith unhappily forsworn,
    And guilded honour shamefully misplaced,
    And maiden virtue rudely strumpeted,
    And right perfection wrongfully disgraced,
    And strength by limping sway disabled,
    And art made tongue-tied by authority,
    And folly doctor-like controlling skill,
    And simple truth miscall'd simplicity,
    And captive good attending captain ill:
    Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
    Save that, to die, I leave my love alone.


    enough said.
    The promised pictures!



    This is me and Nathan (I told you pictures were coming)



    And this is me and Tara, since most of you have never seen a picture and/or met her.

    These were pictures from this weekend, the quality of the picture CD is poor. The real pictures, I can honestly say, are much better.

    The following is part of a conversation I had with William a few minutes ago:

    ukgirlatheart: why is it that whenever i think things are finally going all right in my life... something happens?
    MrWSinister: to keep you from becoming complacent


    Not to go into too much detail, but suffice to say this:
    I have been rejected by someone I thought was my friend because I refuse to comprimise. I won't judge her life, not ever, but I will also not allow myself to be bossed around and controlled by someone who obviously doesn't care enough about me to not make ulitimatums. *whew* I don't think I made the wrong choice... I hope.

    Anywho, hope you enjoy the pics! Love ya!

    Sunday, September 21, 2003


    "Feels like you made a mistake
    You made somebody's heart break
    But now I have to let you go
    I have to let you go

    You left a stain
    On every one of my good days
    But I am stronger than you know
    I have to let you go
    ~~Matchbox 20~~


    I love that song... and as occasionally happens, I don't really want to explain what it means to me... o.O

    I got another hole pierced in my ear... it hurt. Cartlidge piercing, lol. I have to keep this earring in for twelve weeks... *sigh* It is going to be a long twleve weeks.

    I went shopping, got cute clothes. Enough said.

    I went to Tarkio for the weekend with Tara. Her parents are great! I met her cousin Nathan (known possibly to some of you as 'Tiger'... pictures will be forthcoming. He is a sweetheart, I can see why Tara misses him so much. They had a cookout at Tara's yesterday, and he came, but I guess didn't really want to socialize with anyone there other than Tara (for good reason, I think). But she was busy, and I didn't know anyone, so he was really nice and hung out with me most of the night (after soundly whipping Tara at badminton and clotheslining himself with the net). So we had fun this weekend, me n Tara.

    I need new shoes. Actually, I just want new shoes... or boots... hmm.

    My ear hurts. I think I have west nile virus, too. Or maybe not. But I was eaten alive by mosquitoes! (which is better than being eaten dead. but i don't think they eat dead people... i do not know)

    Okay, I am going to do some work here at work... have a good one!

    You taste like honey, honey
    Tell me can I be your honey

    *giggles* Dezzy n mYst! *giggles more*


    Sunday, September 14, 2003

    Life is crazy

    I wish I knew what tomorrow would bring
    I wish I could tell you everything is going to be all right
    but I can't.

    I wish I could light the world
    I wish hurt and pain, sorrow and loss were gone
    but they aren't.

    I wish all my dreams would come true
    I wish I knew when and where and how
    but I don't.


    Maybe I can finish this later... guess we'll see.

    Thursday, September 11, 2003

    So, we are just about over due for a blog, are we not? It has been six whole days since my last post, and nary a word from my fans... because I don't have any? It is the middle of the night (01:30 AM CST) and I am at work. Today seems to be singularly appropriate for a post, and I know that I will be bowing my head for a prayer a 07:46 AM CST. That was the time when the first plpane crashed into the WTC two years ago. I know that I was awake at this time two years ago, or most likely I was. I wish I could remember what I was doing.

    I don't know about you, but September 11 has changed my life, and my perspective. I don't know if a day goes by that I don't think about it. There are probably only two or three other events that I can say that about... when my grandma died, when my mom came home from the hospital after Andrew Cory died, and when I was in a car accident when I was 14. Okay, just typing that made me cry... I almost cried in class today when one of my teachers talked about September 11.

    *deep breath* I hope I didn't make you cry. It just suddenly hit me that I have another little brother, who would be around twelve years old right now, and that was hard. I don't like thinking about it very much, just because I know that it changed my family a lot.

    I wonder why it is that possibly four of them most defining moments in my life are all very sad? There are good ones too, but why do I not think of them? My life has not been filled with tragedy, I promise. In fact, there have been many good times. *shakes head* Perhaps I will never understand.

    Anyway, I just want to take a moment to remember September 11, and give honor to those who died that day, and those who have died in the conflict since then. God bless America, and may He bless each and every one of you.

    "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

    Friday, September 05, 2003

    Sonnet- To Science
    Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
    Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
    Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
    Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
    How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise,
    Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
    To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
    Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
    Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
    And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
    To seek a shelter in some happier star?
    Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
    The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
    The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

    ~Edgar Allen Poe~


    Makin fun of science... Poe is my kind of guy. I did not used to like him a'tall, but I love his poetry now. I think he was one of those people that just annoyed the crap out of people being depressed all the time, and the only way he could express himself was through writing.

    I hate technology... It depresses me. Just, imagine that poem is about technology, and you will undersatnd why I chose this poem.

    Thats all I really want to talk about today... I cried last night when I was driving... I played 'The Luckiest' for Tara, she cried too. She had never heard it before. Whoo, crazy times. Then we listened to it again. LOL

    Monday, September 01, 2003

    Stream Of Thought
    A Dream Within A Dream

    Take this kiss upon the brow!
    And, in parting from you now,
    Thus much let me avow-
    You are not wrong, who deem
    That my days have been a dream;
    Yet if hope has flown away
    In a night, or in a day,
    In a vision, or in none,
    Is it therefore the less gone?
    All that we see or seem
    Is but a dream within a dream.

    I stand amid the roar
    Of a surf-tormented shore,
    And I hold within my hand
    Grains of the golden sand-
    How few! yet how they creep
    Through my fingers to the deep,
    While I weep- while I weep!
    O God! can I not grasp
    Them with a tighter clasp?
    O God! can I not save
    One from the pitiless wave?
    Is all that we see or seem
    But a dream within a dream?

    ~Edgar Allen Poe~


    I need the melancholy of Poe today. I hate crying. I hate feeling this way, like all it will take is one stray thought, one mispent word to break down this fragile barrier between me and my emotions. How can I laugh when I feel this way? How can I not?

    I wish that I could write poetry. Instead I am forced to admit that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, and find someone with that gift who has already written it for me. How can someone who feels poetry write only the prosiest of prose?

    I begin to think that my constant quest to find the beautiful will end like... well, the story about the beautiful. I will spend my life creating a beautiful and delicate creature that will be sestryed by the reality of life.

    Do you hate that I see good in you? Does it bother you so much to know that I look past what is to what could be? Do my expectations scare you?

    So, I can't see it in myself... That doesn't mean I am wrong. Self-reflection is more difficult than the other. At least for me. Bad doesn't cancel out good, it only disguises it. So stop hiding, and let yourself be who you are! So, you might get hurt... do you think I have never been hurt? But I am not going to give up because in the end, its worth it.

    Have you sobbed onto a friends shoulder, begging God to tell you why? And then, when the tears were over, known that He has a purpose, and He will never hurt you? Stop saying you can't trust, give up your excuses. And that IS all they are. You know God won't leave you or abandon you... God is there even when bad things happen.

    Don't blame the world on yourself. I can't take any responsibilty for who you are and what descisions you have made... and you cannot do so with me, or with anyone else.

    Sunday, August 31, 2003

    I don't have any poetry today. No inspiring words of wisdom. I am, in fact, a little sad. The worst part about it is that I am only a little bit sad for myself, but I am very very sad for someone else... therefore I can't even really talk about it. Just... know that one of my friends has a need, whether they know it or not, and please keep them in your prayers.

    A little bit on that note (sort of) I have realized that I frequently set myself up to be hurt by other people. Maybe I am too trusting... except I am not. I just trust the wrong people sometimes. Besides my family, I can only think of one other person that I can trust implicitly (with absolutely anything) and know that they have never done anything to betray that trust. I know that I can tell her anything, but more than that, I know she will try to think of others above herself. Friends hurt you sometimes, I know that, but she would never do it on purpose. Even if she did do something, she would know and try to make things right. She is, I think, a better person than I. She is in fact, cool like jello. She is made of stuff that everybody likes! (Yes, those last two were inside jokes, if you don't get it, don't try, lol)
    It was many and many a year ago,
    In a kingdom by the sea,
    That a maiden there lived whom you may know
    By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
    And this maiden she lived with no other thought
    Than to love and be loved by me.

    I was a child and she was a child,
    In this kingdom by the sea;
    But we loved with a love that was more than love-
    I and my Annabel Lee;
    With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
    Coveted her and me.

    And this was the reason that, long ago,
    In this kingdom by the sea,
    A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
    My beautiful Annabel Lee;
    So that her highborn kinsman came
    And bore her away from me,
    To shut her up in a sepulchre
    In this kingdom by the sea.


    The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
    Went envying her and me-
    Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
    In this kingdom by the sea)
    That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
    Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

    But our love it was stronger by far than the love
    Of those who were older than we-
    Of many far wiser than we-
    And neither the angels in heaven above,
    Nor the demons down under the sea,
    Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

    For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
    And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
    Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
    And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
    Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
    In the sepulchre there by the sea,
    In her tomb by the sounding sea.
    ~Edgar Allen Poe~


    I am feeling a bit melancholy, and the poetry of my dear relative is perfect for such a mood. Frost and Poe, I everything they wrote... even if Poe does terrify me at times. Anyway, I am still sick, and I locked my keys in my car. *sigh* Love y'all...

    From the Lance, our campus newspaper: "His handsome mother replied, 'I have but one corrolary to add to that pronouncement, dear. You are intolerably ugly and uncommonly short.'"

    Friday, August 29, 2003

    We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
    -- Oscar Wilde


    So, here I am. I am halfway through having visited all of my classes, (been to Old Testament, Music Appreciation, and World Civilizations) Well, almost half way. I didn't go to Weight Training yesterday cause I thought I might have to drop it, and so got my registration stuff finished. I still have (today) Historiography and Seminar in History, and Military History. Gee, four history classes, can you imagine what my major is? I am waffling now, bacuase I found out history department might be sponsering a trip to Europe this summer for credit, but I also need to take summer classes. So, here is what I am thinking... how about I add a semester onto it all? I mean, I can't start law school until the fall anyway... I don't know. I just think that would be so awesome. I guess I will wait until I find out more obout the trip... like how much it costs. I got a job in security, dispatch, and I start that on Sunday *sigh*. I am dreading this, I am so afriad that it will be too much for me to handle. Oy. Well, that is about all for now, email me! Or better yet, join my message board and post a message!

    "You're the outlaw!" "What's that got to do with anything!?" (Trigun)

    Wednesday, August 27, 2003

    Images on the sidewalk speak of dream's decent
    Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament
    Dirty canvases to call my own
    Protest limericks carved by the old pay phone

    In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
    Turning endless pages of this tragedy
    Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
    You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"

    Broken stained-glass windows, the fragments ramble on
    Tales of broken souls, an eternity's been won
    As critics scorn the thoughts and works of mortal man
    My eyes are drawn to you in awe once again

    In your picture book I'm trying hard to see
    Turning endless pages of this tragedy
    Sculpting every move you compose a symphony
    You plead to everyone, "see the art in me"
    ~Jars of Clay~


    I love that phrase, "sculpting every move you compose a symphony". As I have said before, I love beauty. Songs, poetry, they help fulfill my desire to see beauty around me. That song makes me want to cry sometimes. In fact, I listened to it about twenty times on the way to Springfield, driving by myself on I-64. I also talked to myself. And to my car. Yes, I AM a bit of a loon.

    I don't really have much to say today, but classes start tomorrow. Write more later, love ya'll!

    Incomparables promesas me das, Senor...

    Tuesday, August 26, 2003

    I don't want to post a blog today. I am sick with a nasty little bugger of a cold... but I am. I make the sacrifice, for you! Am I not a sweetie?

    I bought most of my books today, I had to drop my new testament lit class to take histeriography... blah. I don't want to take it, I have to write a paper! I am taking it with my friend Erika, so maybe it won't be too bad.

    Thats about it from my neck of the woods, my loft is deadly, but hopefully I will survive the semester. Course, if I die, my roomate gets A's in all her classes. Hmmm...

    Evangle are such an edurcated skool? i larned so much last yer,

    Monday, August 25, 2003

    Well, it is beginning to look like "the exile" is never coming back. The webpage, I mean, not me *wink*. I think that I am just going to post on here forever and not update my actual page unless I want to change like, bio info or something. Which I should probably do.

    I am all moved in... well, sort of. Still waiting on the fridge, and my loft isn't put up yet *sigh*, I have to go get some bolts for it. Like 10. Because they, for some reason, were not included. BUT there is a guy named Cletus, who used to go here, back to visit and get some stuff from storage, and he has a ratchet *dances* (If you don't know what that is, its a thing used to, um, screw in bolts?) I have a nasty little cold. Yes mom, it is West Nile Virus... shall I list all of the other mosquito borne diseases for you. (Its an inside joke, only my parents, Aunt Laura, and Uncle Eric [who is unfortunately from TN, but we just don't tell people that] get it.)

    Alright, enough randomness people. I would like to welcome Tara and Robert as the two newest (and only!) members of my message board. Caly! There is a button at the top of the screen that says 'register'... you should, lol! (the message board screen) I am gonna scoot now, but I will write in again soon... meanwhile, post any questioins, comments, or your own random randomness on my message board. And sign the dang guestbook!

    Outies.

    Friday, August 22, 2003

    Jesus...

    To me, that name always conjurs up images of purity and innocence. I hate sounding cliche or immature, and so I don't talk about my own faith very often, and last night I realized how wrong that is. Why does it have to sound stupid to say "I have Jesus in my heart"? I do! My life would be worth nothing if I didn't. My faith is what makes me who I am. I said that I created this to keep peoplr updated on my life, and to let people I care about kniw more about me, and hopefully, understand me.

    I know this all sounds a little disjointed, but I am still trying to get my thoughts together.

    First of all, I am a Christian in the fullest sense of that word. "Christ-follower" I am learning that my life is better, that I am happier and more content, when I am following God. I have peace about my future, even though I don't really know what I am going to do. Why? Because God has proven himself faithful to me in so many ways, and I know that he has a plan for my future. Everytime I have listened to His prompting and done what I felt he desired of me, it was the right decision.

    Second, Jesus said that we should have faith like a child... so why should I be ashamed that speaking about Him makes me sound childish? I don't care anymore! I know that I am right about this, beyond any shadow of doubt.

    I know that I am still working uphill. I know that I am so far from where I want and need to be in my life. The times when I am most in despair is when I feel most the weight of my own sin. I let myself forget that Christ died so that I could live without that burden. And the times when I come back up? Its when I learn to let go and, as the cliche goes, "let God".

    So, I know this wasn't very organized today, but these were things in my heart that I just wanted to share. Hopefully, my thoughts will become more clear as time goes on, and it will become such a part of my life that I won't have to explain anymore.


    Whoo. That said, I would like to insert a little note here about whats been going on in my life lately.


    I am struggling with some stuff inside me right now... afraid of falling in more ways than one. Yesterday was my last day at work. Today I am packing. Tomorrow... Evangel. I will miss my family, my two friends here (lol, that actually hang out with me, I mean), my friends that I miss anyway because I don't see them, my church... Lexington. But it won't be as bad this time. Anyway, I gots ta go, post some messages on my new message board!

    Bye People That I Love!

    Wednesday, August 20, 2003

    From low to high doth dissolution climb,
    And sink from high to low, along a scale
    Of awful notes, whose concord shall not fail;
    A musical but melancholy chime,
    Which they can hear who meddle not with crime,
    Nor avarice, nor over-anxious care.
    Truth fails not; but her outward forms that bear
    The longest date do melt like frosty rime,
    That in the morning whitened hill and plain
    And is no more; drop like the tower sublime
    Of yesterday, which royally did wear
    His crown of weeds, but could not even sustain
    Some casual shout that broke the silent air,
    Or the unimaginable touch of Time.

    ~William Wordsworth


    I go back to Missouri on Friday. *sigh* There are certainly people here I will miss, my family for one... and others... I am tired of my job, not my coworkers, but my job. It used to be fun, now I spend everynight wondering if I will do something wrong and get someone else in trouble. Or if my boss will say something inappropriate. Such a time, but one that is nearly over.

    I really will miss my family, that is just about the only thing I dread.

    Does anyone even read this?!? (Except for Tara of course... love ya girl! See ya on Saturday!) Although, I must confess, there are certainly people that I don't want reading this, just because I am afraid of the consequences of them knowing me too well.

    I will really miss my family... My parents and baby brother especially (I love the rest of you guys just as much, but I hardly see you anyway as it is!) I can say something good about all of my siblings... maybe I will, just for the heck of it... *I love elipses*

    Sarah Renee'- Responsible, and fair. She is blunt, which is hurtful at times, but she is also very honest, and admirable trait. Smarter than most people think, and lots of common sense. She also sticks up for me when people are being particularly nasty.

    Rebekah Lynn- Extremely gifted in the literary arts (check out the link to her page!), and also a good story teller. I can usually vent about stuff with her because we have very similar viewpoints. Not as much of a bookworm as I am, but has similar taste in books.

    Charles Austin- Much taller than me. When in a good mood, fun to mess around with. He knows how to treat girls with the proper respect, generally holds the door open (If Josiah doesn't get to it first). Also lets me pretend that I can still beat his six foot one self up, even though I am almost a foot shorter than he is. Nice self-confidence boost. He also sticks up for his sisters, and sometimes his brothers.

    Samuel Grandeson-
    I had to take a break writing this because he was in here making starnge noises. Annoying noises. However, he can be very sweet at times, and he obviously cares about his family. He is entreprenurial, and going to be rich some day. A mechanical genuis, I might add.

    Elizabeth Ann- She is just getting into the "i have a bad attitude all the time" phase. ;-) Actually, she is growing up quickly, and not really a little girl anymore. She is a cutie, and I can't wait to see the kind of person she develops into in the next few years.

    Josiah Thomas-The baby of the family, he loves to give random hugs. A sweetie, even if he is REALLY sarcastic sometimes *don't know where he learned that*

    Anyway, thats my note for the day, write me!

    Tuesday, August 19, 2003

    There are about a million people at my house right now. Actually, there are only15 or so, but 5 of them are under the age of nine. How my mom did it when we were little, I will never understand.

    Lauren goes back to Master's Commision today. Rebekah goes to Asbury on Friday, and I leave that night for Missouri. Its some crazy times in Kentucky Land.


    I am sad about leaving my family and church... home... but I am also excited about starting school and getting back into classes...

    My confession of the day... I like school.

    Monday, August 18, 2003

    I wish I had beautiful, profound thoughts. I think, perhaps if I ever truly feel anything lacking in my life, it is beauty. In those moments when all I can feel is despair, all it takes is one single moment of something beautiful, and I feel myself lifted above my own petty life. There are so many beautiful things... I found a letter in my mom's things yesterday, and it made me cry. My dad wrote it to me when I was a baby, and he was away a boot camp. Beauty.

    Or when my baby brother just runs up to me and gives me a hug.

    When my parents do something for me that I don't deserve.

    Sitting on the front steps at night during a thunderstorm, getting completely soaked.

    Love.

    Reading something that stirs my soul.

    I know this probably sounds really cheesy to you all, but I just needed to say... write... it.

    I am jealous... most of the people I care about are in love now. And that is a true confession.

    Thursday, August 14, 2003

    No coward soul is mine,
    No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere:
    I see Heaven's glories shine,
    And Faith shines equal, arming me from Fear.

    O God within my breast,
    Almighty, ever-present Deity!
    Life, that in me has rest,
    As I, undying Life, have power in Thee!.

    Vain are the thousand creeds
    That move men's hearts: unutterably vain;
    Worthless as withered weeds,
    Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,

    To waken doubt in one
    Holding so fast by Thy infinity,
    So surely anchored on
    The steadfast rock of Immortality.

    With wide-embracing love
    Thy Spirit animates eternal years,
    Pervades and broods above,
    Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates, and rears.

    Though earth and moon were gone,
    And suns and universes ceased to be,
    And Thou wert left alone,
    Every existence would exist in Thee.

    There is not room for Death,
    Nor atom that his might could render void:
    Thou -Thou art Being and Breath,
    And what Thou art may never be destroyed.

    ~Emily Bronte


    I have loved this poem for a very long time. Everytime I read it, or a bit of it comes to mind, it gives me a sense of joy and purpose. Maybe it reminds me that God is more powerful, that He is the creator and nothing can stop him from accomplishing His purpose. This is my only thought for the day, maybe I will get around to really writing something soon.

    Quiero que tengan paz

    Tuesday, August 12, 2003

    The verb "to hope" in Spanish is esperar. It also means "to wait".

    Do you think that perhaps they have the right of it? Maybe... maybe hope is the willingness to wait for something you believe in. I don't know.

    I'm not much more content than I was yesterday, but at least I am more thoughtful. I am going to come out of this...

    I hope.

    Monday, August 11, 2003

    Gotta get through this.

    One more day that I am alive, to walk on the earth, to be the imperfect creature that I am. I have only this moment promised to me, and I am wasting it on hopeless dreams and wishes. Regrets. Remembering the past. Shame. Hope.

    I wish I could live in the moment, content, satisfied just to be here. No more yearning, no more unfulfilled desires. Envious of what I can not have, may never have. Wishing I was more than I am. Wishing I could be who I am. As if me could ever be good enough...

    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile...

    I can't let my misery affect anyone else. No one else should have to feel bad because I am screwed-up. For the sake of everyone else, I want to dwell alone with these thoughts.

    I don't want pity, I don't want to "talk about it". It is enough that these feelings inside of me exist, that they always have, and maybe always will. It is part of who I am, and I can't change it. Maybe I don't want to anymore.

    I am selfish.

    Friday, August 08, 2003

    We wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.

    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
    We wear the mask.

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
    We wear the mask!

    ~P.L. Dunbar


    I know that poem was written about a culture that, well, isn't mine, but still... I think that there are parts of it that emcompass all of humanity.

    Want to know what my mask covers up? No you don't, trust me. I am a very scary person inside, with too many secrets. Too bad I can't talk about it here... ;-)

    Anyway, I don't have long today, I am not having a good week. Blah on Jozos, and blah on sexual harrasment.

    Thursday, August 07, 2003

    Nature's first green is gold,
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf's a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day.
    Nothing gold can stay.
    ~Robert Frost


    I have been reading a lot of Frost lately. There is just something so pure about his poetry, it makes me want to cry. Even the weird stuff, like the Witch of Coos... I mean, its not innocent stuff I guess, but its still kind of light hearted. Anyway...

    I feel so isolated right now. If it wasn't for Tara, I would seriously go mad. The owner of the restaurant I work at did something so offensive to me, I really want to hate him. I am going to forgive him, I can'tlive with that much anger in my heart, but he just keeps piling things on top of things. I need help...

    My realtionship with God is nowhere near what I wish it was, and I am not sure how to fix things. Its funny, a lot of people wish they could go back to their childhood-like faith, innocence, whatever. I don't... I am not sure I was ever really innocent. I remember being little, and knowing I could manipulate adults into doing what I wanted. I knew! I also knew that they would never believe that a little kid could knowingly do some of the stuff I did, so I got away with a lot. My sisters knew, but they didn't tell. We only told on each other when it meant that the person telling would get in trouble too, if they didn't. I also thought up really bad things to do... and talked my sisters into doing them. We got spanked at least once a day.

    At least I have the confidence of knowing that God is there, He will never leave me, and that He is guiding my life. I think that may be the only thing I live in complete confidence of. Now, if I could only work on remembering that when I get frustrated or scared or depressed, I would be living the most joyful life any of y'all had ever seen.

    Well, I have done my venting for the day... maybe I will be ina good mood when I go to work (I swear, if Gary says one thing to me, though, I will SO sue him for sexual harrasment! I can win, too. Kevin, a guy at work, said he would testify for me if I did.)

    Have a good day, lol. Vaya con Dios en tu corazon.

    Tuesday, August 05, 2003

    I decided not to go with a depressing song, but one of hope.

    My married friends keep asking me
    When I'll settle down
    They tell me time is passing
    And there's not to many good ones still around
    I tell them I am not afraid to be alone
    And there's no need to rush into something wrong

    So I'm not gonna worry
    No I'm in no hurry
    It's in the hands of fate
    There's nothing I can do
    And it might be tomorrow
    Or the one that follows
    Got the rest of my life to look forward to
    Cause everyday is one day closer to you

    You might be in Montana
    Living in the hills
    Or you might be in Virginia
    Workin' in a mill
    All I know is that I haven't found you yet
    But who knows maybe we've already met

    So I'm not gonna worry
    No I'm in no hurry
    It's in the hands of fate
    There's nothing I can do
    And it might be tomorrow
    Or the one that follows
    Got the rest of my life to look forward to
    Cause everyday is one day closer to you

    Everyday I pray that God will keep you safe
    Cause I know your out there somewhere

    So I'm not gonna worry
    No I'm in no hurry
    It's in the hands of fate
    There's nothing I can do
    And it might be tomorrow
    Or the one that follows
    Got the rest of my life to look forward to
    Cause everyday is one day closer
    Yeah everyday is one day closer
    Everyday is one day closer to you

    Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of starship Enterprise, whose mission is to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man (person!) has gone before!

    Captains log, Stardate 08.05.2003

    Space is pretty much the same. Stars. Comets. Planets. Occasional encounters with hostile alien lifeforms...

    Dang. I was having that StarTrek dream again. Yes, it is Trek, not Track... trek, as in journey. Like, star journey. But trek is much, much cooler. Anyway.

    I didn't get to meet William while I was on vacation. I am very sad *cries*, but he really did have other stuff on his mind, more important stuff. For that reason, I can forgive him. I think, however, that I may be the ONLY PERSON LEFT on his buddy list who has NOT met him. *pout*

    I am exhausted, and frustrated. I am going to come back when I find the perfect song to suit my mood, and post it for you.

    Monday, August 04, 2003

    Well, I have been on vacation with my family (most of it) for the last week (in case you were wondering)... I have been thinking about what I should write today, and lots of things have popped into my head. The prupose of this little 'blog' is not to chronicle my daily events, but to assist those who read it in getting to know who I really am... I thought about putting my testimony on here, but I don't really want to right now. I am feeling a little down, and I thought about talking about that, but I don't want to dwell on my own sadness. I don't have enough time to dwell on my vacation exploits... (but note this: I almost died this week, seriously. Gotta love lifeguards.)

    So here is what I am going to do: I am going to say something to everyone that I know who actually reads this. Which is only like three people. Maybe two.

    Michael: One of my very bestest friends, who is one of those wonderful lifeguards!- Remember this: If you ever get the urge to do a baywatch run... don't.

    Caly: Shes The Caly!- You are hilarious! And you appreciate the finer things in life, like Karchan. Just as I do.

    William: Someone else that I consider one of my best friends. Even if I haven't ever met him. Blah... ;-)- You are cool and awesome and even if you don't think so you are. So there.

    Okay. Now I am going to go try and get other people to read this, so they will email me and say "how come you didn't say anything to me?" and then I will say something to them. Adios, chicos!

    Saturday, July 26, 2003

    Wow, I haven't been near a computer in three days, working like mad and all. But I have today off! Yay! I am leaving for Maryland tomorrow, camping with my family. For a week. Draw your own conclusions. :) Sabrina is back in town, but I have niether seen nor heard from her. I can't take my car to MD, which is sad :(, but things will work out. I hope. Anyway, email me if you have time! Tata

    Wednesday, July 23, 2003

    I don't have much time today, but here is this... Strongbad Email. It is a beautiful thing.

    I am learning to draw anime. Mostly because Its easy, but also because I like it. Three shows, every night: Big O, Kikader, and Trigun. Cartoon Network, another beautiful thing.

    Peace Out!

    Tuesday, July 22, 2003

    So here I am... typing my little thing for the day. I think I will talk about two subjects that are, in my mind, very close together: guys and country music. The former, because it has been on my mind a lot lately, and the latter, well, someone maligned country music, one of my dearest friends in fact, and I mean to set him straight on why it is such a wonderful thing.

    I want to marry someone I am friends with, someone who likes me for who I am. I want to be able to dance around my living room and sing sweet, sentimental songs to somebody I love. I won't marry a guy who isn't a Christian, actively striving to grow in their relationship with God, and somebody that I know I can follow. That, as far as religion goes, is the most important thing. I don't care about doctrinal differences, for the most part. I cn respect that people believe different things than I do, and if it comes down to something that is between myself and God anyway, then other people's opinions don't matter. I don't know how to explain better than that. Maybe writing this out will help me remember when I need to, and keep my head watching over my heart.

    As for country music... granted, there is a lot of crappy music out there, I do not deny it. But there are a lot of songs that talk about an ideal world, about love and family, that are just so sweet. There are songs that make me sigh, and dream, and think 'It would be so awesome if I could find someone who felt that way about me...'. I am a very southern girl at heart with southern ideals. I believe in 'Old-fashioned', and 'tradition'. I like other kinds of music too, but sometimes a country song articulates the way I feel better than I could myself (see my second post for an example). For my sister's graduation I printed out a hopeful song to put in the cover of her memory book that we gave her. Even if you don't like country music, realize that some of us find something very wholesome about it. Some of it. The kind I like.

    Peace out! Have a good week! Love you!

    Sunday, July 20, 2003

    I have just realized that I talk to way too many guys. I mean its not that I don't love them and all, but still... I am talking to William, Andy, and Andrew right now...and no girls. Unless Caly or Randi are on, or Tara is home to talk to on the phone, I almost never talk to girls. Its just not fair. Tara, by the way, is very much cool like Jello. Randi is fifteen and from Denmark, and pretty cool too... she is multi-lingual... I know she speaks Danish, Japanese, English, German, a smattering of Spanish, French, and probably a couple of other languages.

    So its Sunday, come home from a convicting church service, and I am in a weird mood. Figuring some things out about myself that I need to deal with. I am so scared of going back into a low point, but today is hopeful. I hope you guys will keep me in your prayers, you know that you are in mine.

    I am not at the library for once!

    Oye guapo, quieres ir a mi casa a practicar espanol?

    Saturday, July 19, 2003

    Woohoo! Back at the library, the coolest place to type, lol. I don't know why, dangit... it just is! So, after I got off work last night, I made my weekly phone call to see if Aaron W. cell was still turned off... and it wasn't! So I stopped by Waffle House on my way home from work *coughnotonthewaycough* to say hi to him while he was working. Also found out that I have an allergic reaction to Waffle House Picante Sauce. Adventures, I know. I also talked to a friend from my childhood that I hadn't heard from in almost a year, Rebecca Bushby. She was one of my only friends in the sixth-ninth grades. And that was another adventure, catching up on everybodies news. Hmm, what else... still haven't talked to that person I need to talk to, I don't really know what to say. I will figure it out. I have to work in 20 minutes, and I am actually liking it. I like knowing that I am in charge, and get to boss a cute guy around. And he has to listen... *grin*. I like having the responsibilty, and my work isn't hard. So I can honestly say, for the first time, that I like my job. I did like dayare off and on, but it was so emotionally stressful... it was a rewarding job, but not always fun. This jobn is pretty much always fun (for those who don't know, I work at a cajun restaurant called Jozo's Bayou Gumbo) I go back to school in four weeks, and my roomate situation is getting confusing... maybe I will take some time later to explain the whole thing. Well, I have to go... not really, it only took five minutes to type this... but I have run out of things to say. Vaya con Dios!!!

    Friday, July 18, 2003

    I am online at the local public library right now... and I don't have long. 50 minutes and then, and I quote the librarian, "Click! And the whole system just shuts off!" This is much easier than updating my webpage anyway.

    I have a dilemma in my life... I think I need to talk to someone about something, but I do not know how to approach them about it. Partially because I know my own life is screwed up, so what right do I have talking to anyone else, and also because I am afraid they won't listen to me.

    I am trying to find peace in my life, and still feeling a little lost. I need to get some things right in my life, with myself and with others. I have made so many mistakes! I am not going to give up, quit, whatever, but I am going to make myself try. Its the best I can do. No matter what happens, I am going to hang onto my faith... its all I have.

    Another day has almost come and gone
    Can't imagine what else could go wrong
    Sometimes I'd like to hide away
    Somewhere and lock the door
    A single battle lost but not the war

    Tomorrow's another day
    And I'm thirsty anyway
    So bring on the rain

    It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
    A couple drops and they all
    Start coming down
    Yeah, I might feel defeated
    I might hang my head
    I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead

    Tomorrow's another day
    And I'm thirsty anyway
    So bring on the rain

    I'm not gonna let it get me down
    I'm not gonna cry
    And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight...

    Thursday, July 17, 2003

    Yes, it is true, I AM cool like Jello! Mike says so. Caly is also cool like Jello, just in case you ever wanted to know. Why Jello? Why do you have to ask silly questions, hmm? Anyway, I have decided to make my webpage a "happy place", so this is where I shall rant from henceforth. Well, William does it.. and he is also cool like Jello. So, peace to ya momma! (Thanks Rob!)